"We don't do that in this family"..., or Stuff I Wish I Didn't Have to Say

At my MOPS group this morning, one of the speakers said that the worst thing about being a mother is how sick you get of hearing your own voice. How true! Sometimes I feel like I say the same things all of the time, and most of the time they are things that should not even have to be said, like No, you may not wipe your booger on my shirt! Or, I'll be there in a minute to wipe your butt! Or, If you really have to pick your nose, go in the bathroom! More of my catch phrases: We don't say those words, spit food out on the table, hit/slap/bite/kick each other, stick stuff in each other's noses and/or ears.................
I am constantly trying to instill this sense of family identity or pride or unity or something, to somehow motivate my kids to act like young humans, rather than oranguatans. As in, when Jonathan says last night in a proud and gleeful tone, look, Mama, I can stick my finger up my butt!
To which I say in a weary and, yes, self-righteous tone, We don't stick our fingers up our butts. Go wash your hands.
Thirty seconds later, Anna squats down and very intentionally pees on the floor. My response: Anna, stop peeing on the floor! We don't do that in our family!
A hundred times a day I say things like this. Things I wish I did not have to say. Things that should be obvious. But sometimes there are influences beyond my control. For example, the reason Anna suddenly wanted to pee on the floor was that she had witnessed a giraffe taking a giant leak at the zoo earlier that day. She thought it was completely hysterical, which, to be honest, it really was pretty funny. My kids may act like animals most of the time; mothering may seem like a constant battle to tame my children, but there are moments that give me hope. Like today at MOPS, when I picked up Jonathan from his class, all of his teachers were just praising him, about how sweet he is, how well-mannered, how bright, what a wonderful singing voice he has, how good he is at sharing, how sweet he is to his sister.......
So I smile demurely in response, and say thank you to them, as if I am pleased, but not really suprised. Inwardly, I am thinking, really??? This nose-picking, butt-exploring, fit throwing little beast????
I guess I myself maintain better composure and display better manners in public then I do in my own home (or say, at my BFF Lara's house; her husband witnessed some VERY classy behavior on my part this past weekend). I guess the best I can hope for with a two and a four year old is that they act like angels at preschool and apes at home.