What Not To Do

What Not To Do With a Waterpik:
Do not turn on full speed and aim it at your tonsils. Bleeding and injury will result.

This is what the box should say in huge letters. Of course, maybe they assume the average Waterpik user is smart enough to know better. I sent Dave out to get one today in an attempt to get all the nasty stuff that's growing in my tonsils off. Why is there nasty stuff growing on my tonsils? I don't know what it's called, but it happens whenever I get really sick or even when I am just trying to fight something off. I seem to have some vague memory of my brother Jason having this problem and someone (in my memory, it was his doctor, but now I think I must've made this up) told him to get a Waterpik and simply wash the white stuff away. I now wish that I had called him to ask him, did this really happen, and if you tried this, did it work?
Well. Let me just tell you, first of all, that I could not seem to grasp the most basic rule of Waterpik use: First, put the thing in your mouth, THEN turn it on. The bathroom was drenched with water. Water all over the mirrors, the floor, the walls, the counters (I felt like I was dealing with a super powerful firehose or something!) How could such a tiny, concentrated stream of water make such a mess? Anyways, my throat was a little sore but getting better when Dave brought the Waterpik home, but now it hurts like the dickens (to quote my Aunt Vernie). I did not actually mean to turn it on full force, but what I failed to anticipate was that squirting water down the back of your throat makes you gag and choke. It must be some sort of survivial instinct we have or something. Um, duh? So in my frantic attempt to make it stop (which you would think that I would have just taken it out of my mouth at this point and let it spray all over the already soaked bathroom) I turned it up all the way! As a result, my throat was bleeding and I was spitting blood everywhere.
All I know, is that our seventh anniversary is coming up on Monday, and things had better start getting sexier around here. Between the green puss coming out of eyes (Anna), kids puking on the floor, me puking (not on the floor, thankfully!), my throat bleeding from my attempts to pressure clean the white nastiness (which will remain unnamed [since I don't really know what to call it] but I imagine could also be loosely referred to as puss) away, this house is just not an atmosphere conducive to romance! I hope things are better by then.
I think this is the last time I will ever use a Waterpik for any thing off label. I have a healthy amount of respect and fear for it now.