Feeling Fed Up

I am sick of apologizing, or feeling like I should apologize, for the following:


1.) My tendency to finish other people's sentences. I don't mean to be rude, I am always just really focused on what others are saying and I am trying to anticipate their thoughts or feelings. I am sure it is annoying, but I can't seem to stop it.


2.) The way I apologize too much, for every little thing I do or say. Someone could stomp on my foot and I would be all, Oh, excuse me, I'm so sorry, pardon ME.


I'm sorry I'm sorry. But I am tired of being sorry that I am sorry.


3.) My weight. I am sick of feeling apologetic about how much space I do or I don't take up in the world. I have tried for the past 18 years or so to find some magic link between the number on the scale and the amount of happiness or success in my life and I don't think it exists.


I am sick of feeling apologetic that my butt looks fat or my fat roll might be making teenage boys at the beach queasy. I feel like saying, Hey, I looked like your girlfriend once too. Even if I weren't a good thiry pounds overweight, I have still had two babies and my body shows it. If my appearance bothers others, than they should just look away.


4.) That I never quite have it all together. I am always a little unfinished, a little rough, a little unpolished, a little late, a little scattered.... My hair is never perfect, my makeup's always a little messy, I'll never be able to remember to coordinate my jewelry or my shoes or my purse. I am just always a little undone.


5.) For my children and their behavior. Hey, they are CHILDREN. They are not adults. They have fits, they cry, they are annoying at times. They annoy the crud out of me about 70% of the time.


They don't handle being tired or hungry very well. They have their own moods and their own wills, and while I am responsible for their overall well-being, I can not CONTROL EVERY LITTLE THING they may do or say. They are unpredictable. They are just kids. I can discipline them when they misbehave, but I am tired of feeling apologetic for them simply being kids.


6.) My tendency towards messiness. I am tired of feeling guilty if someone drops in and my house is a wreck. Why do I apologize? It's MY house. They are in MY space. If someone wants to be in a palace of neat, then they should go somewhere else.


7.) My cooking, whether it is good or bad. If I made you food, you should be grateful and just shut up and eat it. I should not have to apologize. Even if I serve poop on a platter, it is impolite to criticize when someone is kind enough to make you a meal. Maybe that's just the way I grew up.


8.) My abnormally close relationship with my Mom. We are close. Somethings can't be broken apart. Call me codependent. I know I am. But I am not going to apologize for it.


Okay, I probably will. I will probably continue to say I am sorry and struggle against all of these things.


But I just wanted everyone to know that I am weary of feeling sorry. Ironically, I will probably apologize for this post later. I guess I was just thinking of all the things I don't like about myself, how insecure I am, how indecisive I can be, and how I am just so tired of feeling like I need to apologize for who I am. Pastor Jorge at our old church used to say, God don't make no junk. I need to just repeat that to myself over and over and over and over.


I love this quote by Dr. Suess:
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.