Perspective

Today I pulled up to car loop early at preschool. I was so happy to be able to just sit in the line of cars (OK, minivans! big honkin' SUVS!) and watch my two kids play on the playground. Watching how they act and play when they are away from me and unaware that I can see them gave me a different perspective on them both. It took me a while to spot Anna because she has grown so much lately. I did not realize it was her sitting on a little seesaw with another girl. She looked too tall and grownup to be my little girl. The girl opposite her had just gotten her feelings hurt (probably someone said they didn't want to be her friend anymore) and Anna reached out and was very tenderly brushing her friend's hair off of her face and patting her face and talking to her with such sweet concern on her face. It made me cry to see my baby so capable of compassion, of showing care to someone else. I recognized myself in Anna's actions. That's how I treat her and tend to her when she's sad. I brush her hair back in the same way. She looked just like me. I sat in the car and cried to myself because I was just so proud at that moment. With everything I do wrong, I must be doing something right.
And I also thought how stupid I am. How could I have let myself get so off course yesterday (refer to the blog post "Of course...) after running into my ex, who is utterly insignificant and irrelevant to me? What is he compared to this life, this marriage I have built with Dave? Nothing but a bad memory and a waste of time. What is he next to these beautiful children I have created with Dave? Dave, who is incomparable and irreplacable? Dave who is the love of my life, who owns my entire heart. Dave who is the best and most true person I have ever known, who loves me with no agenda and no motive. Dave with the purest and most loyal heart of anyone I have ever known. Dave who is good to the very center, who pours his entire life and will and being into loving me and our kids. How could I have even written all of those stupid things yesterday? My ego was bruised because I ran into an ex and I was not looking my best. The way I reacted and what I wrote was I think very typical, but also very immature. And I am sorry.