I miss...

I was thinking today about what I miss most. Some of the things I miss I would not necessarily want back, but I still miss them anyways.
I miss....
My pre-pregnancy stomach (even when it was fat, it was still an improvement on its current state, which I would have to describe as somewhere between odd and gross. Anna put her head on my stomach the other day and said, I love you squish-squish tum tum, Mama. Silver lining? My kids like my fat. It provides a comfy spot to recline.)
** My old metabolism (I could literally eat whatever I wanted to and not get humongous, although I always thought I was such a big fatso) Specifically, I miss being able to eat that whole other meal sometime between 9 PM and midnight (which Taco Bell has dubbed Fourthmeal, and ironically enough, was often actually from Taco Bell, or TB as we called it back in the day) **Records and record players. I would actually like these back. CDs suck.**
**My childhood: sleepovers; drinking Coca-cola through a Twizzler straw; having the capacity to be absolutely covered in sand and not minding one bit (in fact, I miss being able to really relax. As an adult, I think I am getting more uptight by the minute); swimming and playing in the ocean (I'm too scared now; I only go in pools); all of my days at Creel Elementary, with the tote trays and the cubby holes and the open classrooms and the cool playground and the school song (You're our school and we love you, we're loyal and we're true, our emblem is the eagle, our colors red, white and blue... Does anyone know the words??); playing Monopoly so late into the night, all hopped up on Faygo soda and junk food, until my eyes were gritty with exhaustion; and I miss the feeling of being carried in my Dad's arms; of snuggling with my Mom at nap time; of sneaking into my parent's room and watching Nick at Nite (I did this until I was in the fifth grade, I am sure they probably did notice my 90 pound self in their bed)
I miss...
**All the dogs I have loved before (no, not my ex-boyfriends, I don't miss ANY of those), especially Maggie, because even though she was one spazzy and pain-in-the-butt mutt, I loved her so much. She was my one constant between the ages of 15 and 25 and I cried many a tear into her stinky (but such a good stinky) coat! Sniff. Okay, let's move on before I start crying!!!** Speaking of crying, I sort of miss how sensitive I used to be. I used to be able to cry about anything, anytime, but now I can go weeks and weeks without a tear. It's almost like my tear ducts (glands??) are constipated. Gross.**My size 26 by 30 LEVI 501 jeans. Oh, I would like to have those back.**Lara's junior high bedroom, with its awesome mauve and green color scheme and that daybed with those pillows with the cool pokey flower napkin rings around the pillowcases. I really loved her room so much. I thought it was the best decorating ever. (I am not joking around here!) I adored Lara's house and family so much. I wanted to live there.**
I miss...
My Aunt Vernie and Uncle Jim. I miss Vernie for her zaniness. She was the one completely and utterly unique person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I miss Jim for his pure heart. He was the one completely and utterly good person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.** Driving a manual transmission. But no, I never want to own one again! I can't possibly parent from the front seat, talk on my cell, drink my coffee and shift at the same time. I know, I know...** Being able to get away with not wearing a bra. Those were the days.**Bladder control. Not that I am walking around wearing Poise pads or anything, just after giving birth to Jonathan, things just aren't the same (have you seen the size of his head?? It's a miracle that anything is the same at all!)**The smell of my childhood home. My brother lives there now and it is a completely different smell. Not a bad smell, just different.**Dave and I's first apartment together, with the bean bag chair and the bumper pool table and the bed that had a bookshelf headboard, and the world's ugliest (but sturdy and very functional) entertainment center, and the blue floral velvet furniture with the plywood under the cushions. I miss all of that stuff. I even miss living in the hood. No, I take that back. But those were some good times.**Being able to fall asleep without mentally calculating how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now. Or a half hour from now. Or forty-five minutes. What if it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep! Then I will only get 4 hours of sleep! Seriously, I lay awake at night annoying myself. ** Being brave enough to paint my bedroom a very questionable shade of purple simply because I liked the name on the paint chip. And actually being happy having insanely purple walls. Now I obsess for weeks (months, really) whether to paint the walls one blah neutral non-color or the other. When really, there's no point because you can't even tell the difference between the 14 paint chips from a foot away and I don't take any joy in the color I choose anyway. Maybe I need to paint my bedroom Grape Soda Fizz again. But then again, I am not seven years old anymore and I do have to take my grown-up husband into account when I paint a room.
So I guess, in summary, I miss being carefree. I miss being innocent and fearless in only the way a secure and well-loved child can be. I miss my loved ones that have died and I miss my loved ones that are still in my life. I miss the way they used to be. I miss the way I used to be.
But, on the eve of my 28th birthday, I realize that I would not ever want to go back. We can miss things and people and even our old (or rather, our young) selves from afar, but we don't ever have the luxury of going backwards. Only forwards. And I love my life. If I took all of my 28 years and accounted for all of the happiness, the joy, the laughter, and the gifts in one column, and all of the sadness, the pain, the tears, and the trials in another column, I realize with much, much gratitude that the good stuff would far outmeasure the bad. I've had a good life, an extraordinarily blessed and happy life in so many ways.
PS I lied about something: I don't miss all of my days at Creel Elementary. I certainly don't miss the day someone put a dead baby bird in my cubby hole. Now tell me that they just happened to choose my particular cubby hole. Oh, man, that was almost TWENTY YEARS AGO and I am getting so worked up just thinking about it. I would just like to know, who did it? And WHY? Who does something like that? Was it just a dead bird they happened to find on their way into the classroom, or did they actually murder this bird? Chilling!!!