Wednesday

Okay, so today was okay. Gosh, that was an awesome sentence.
I went to therapy today. It was not very productive because I felt like I was going to fall asleep the whole time. I literally could not focus. It was so embarassing. Lately I have been driving the wrong places and calling everyone the wrong names and mixing up my prounouns like crazy. I am so tired. Must get some sleep soon. I am going to the rheumatoligist on Monday and he is going to have to do something. Something's gotta give! Between my headaches and my pain and my sleep disturbances, I am at my wit's end. I am trying to be patient and to have faith that things will either get better or I will get tougher, but this has been going on for almost a full year now. I am starting to wonder if I have ever felt well, or if I am really just losing it a little.
I keep telling God, look, I can't do this anymore! But what keeps coming back to me is this memory of when I was in labor with Jonathan. I had been pushing for 2 hours straight with no rest between contractions. His head was not budging, and I had overhead one of the nurses say, That baby ain't NEVER coming out. I kept crying and saying, I just can't do this!
And a nurse grabbed my head and said, Honey, you are doing this! You already are! You're doing it!
I feel like that's what God is telling me in this situation. I feel so hopeless and inadequate, and I keep telling Him, I just can't do this! Can't you see me here? I can't do this!
But I realize that I am doing this. Every day I get up and I just muddle through whatever needs to get done. And maybe I am not doing a good job, but I know deep down that I am doing the best job I can. And I know that God does see me here and he does care and he sees that I am doing my best. I can already see how feeling so awful has forced me to turn to God in ways that I have not before.
My struggle has also shown me who I am married to. (Of course, I KNEW who I was married to! You know, that guy named Dave.) But I mean I have seen his true character. Things have not been so pretty around here and he has not flinched one bit in the face of all of my ugliness and whininess and drama. Dave has shown up in a big way for me the past seven months and he has supported me in a way that I won't ever forget. Instead of thinking why me? I find myself thanking God that he gave me the husband that he did. I can't believe how blessed I have been through my marriage.
So that's Wednesday, sort of. But this is what actually happened: I went to lunch with Dave, went to the grocery, cleaned house, made dinner, went to VBS to serve, went to get ice cream (Oreo Caramel Swirl Heath Bar Crunch, so yum!) with Dave and Anna, went to pick Jonathan up at his VBS, came home, blogged, and am going to go to bed. Tomorrow is the last day of swim lessons! I am going to take Jonathan to get a special reward for his big accomplishment. I am going to predict that it will be Legos!