Of Course...

Of course I run into my ex that I have not seen since 2001 when we broke up when I am sitting in McDonalds eating a Happy Meal
Of course my son has ketchup all over his face and assorted goo from preschool on his shirt his face his hands
Of course my daughter is wearing an entire 12 oz bottle of red gatorade on her shirt and her hair is a complete disaster
Of course I am wearing my fat girl denim shorts from Wal-Mart that are actually way too big for me but make me look two sizes wider than I really am
Of course I am wearing a raggy t-shirt and shoes that don't have anything to do with the rest of my attire because I am staying at my Mom's and had to piece an outfit together from her closet
Of course my non-matching shoes have a blood (poop?) stain on them (they aren't my shoes: can't identify the stain and have to assume the worst in this situation) and of course I am toting my huge silver purse which really has nothing to do with anything and is totally un-me
Of course I forgot to wear any makeup today (except for some lipstick which I put on my chapped lips hours before and is now clinging to all the dry bits of skin, illuminating them, saying look at me ! aren't I grungy and gross? and of course my nails are all bitten down and one is actually bleeding
Of course, because this is the most important detail of all, I did not brush my hair (or my teeth) today and I have my hair tied up in a frizzy ball high on my head
And...
Of course, of course! my ex looks gorgeous. (Dave don't ever run into your ex and then blog about her looking gorgeous, because I won't be able to take it. I know this is unfair but it's just how it is)
Of course he looks better than I left him, of course he has not aged one day and in fact looks more handsome than I ever remember him looking
Of course he has had lots of success and is happily married to a girl that is also very successful (which of course he mentions many times, or maybe that's just the way I heard it)
Of course when he asks me what I've been up to, my mind goes completely blank and I am able to do nothing but wave my hand in the general direction of my kids and mutter vaguely, you know, having kids.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Of course I am happily married and have never looked back at this ex with one ounce of regret. Of course I love my husband and my kids. Of course I am way happier than I would have ever been otherwise.
But what I would like to know, is why couldn't I have been just a little more attractively put together when I ran into him? Why does seven years go by, almost eight, without a single encounter! Why now??? Why today? Of course. Of course. Of course!
I have been trying to figure out why seeing him today bothered me so much. We had to just sit there for twenty minutes after he left because I did not trust myslef to drive. I hated having my past collide with my present, especially with my kids there because I am so ferociously protective of them. After he walked away, Jonathan asked me, who was that guy, Mama? Was he from church? And I felt like dirt, because I can't really say, no, honey, that's someone Mama used to shack up with before I met Daddy. I just said, oh, he's someone I used to know.
Honestly, I think one of the reasons he seemed so handsome today was because I had really forgotten what his face even looked like. I think I have always pictured him to be ugly these last years, because it was such a long and nasty split. It literally shocked me to see him walk into McD's today, nicely dressed and smiling pleasantly. I guess I sort of remember him as this deranged monster from all of our bad fights. And I forgot that he is not always that person, that we just sort of drove each other crazy. I am also feeling guilty. I feel bad that I thought he looked handsome, but is it really a suprise that someone I once fell into mad lust for would still still appear to be attactive to me today? It's not like I am fixated on him or anything. I have no pictures of him whatsoever. I so rarely think of him, considering that we lived together and I think (although the entire relationship was built upon deception, so I really can't say) we both thought we were headed for marriage. I know that I am completely loyal to Dave. I don't know why it made me feel so awful to see him today. I think maybe a small part of me is a little mad that he has turned out okay? Maybe I want him to have suffered rather than thrived without me in his life. Isn't that terrible? How arrogant of me to think that life would just stop without me around. Maybe I pictured him moping around, still mourning the loss of the most fabulous girl ever.
Or maybe it's just that wierd phenomenen where you freeze other people at the age or stage that you last knew them at, and while time is passing for you, you don't realize that it's passing for them. Like when you see someone you graduated with and it rattles you a little, because man, do they ever look old? And ironically, you probably look just as old to them, because they are having to readjust their memory of you with the actuality of you standing before them? Does anyone else know what I'm saying?