Signing Out

I will be signing out for two weeks now! I'm going to Kentucky to visit my mom-in-law with the kids. I am taking a break from the computer. Maybe Dave can post some while I am gone, about how much he misses his beautiful wife and darling children? I hope everyone has a fantastic and safe Fourth!
I have a few goals while I am gone:
to not gain any vacation weight, or at least to go to Curves regularly while I am there
to get some sleep and to get some rest
to read the New Testament
to use kind words and helping hands (this is what I say to the kids all the time, but I think I need to practice myself)

We'll see!

Sunday

Today started out great. It went downhill for a while, between the hours of 9 and 11:30 this morning, which I am not going to elaborate on. But then I hung out with my Mom. We went to Home Depot to pick out paint (my favorite thing to do!) and we also picked out two light fixtures for her house. After 40 minutes of staring up at the lights on display, I had a headache and a brain burn and honestly can not even remember which one we finally chose right now. I think I'm still seeing lightbulbs. We ate some very questionable hot dogs from a giant man who told my mom he was "looking for an older women with money. Are you rich?" My Mom would never hook up with a hot dog man in front of Home Depot, even if she were not married. The only thing we want from you, buster, is some sauerkraut and mustard. I have officially reached my hot dog quota for the summer. I think I have probably tripled my chances of colorectal cancer in the past month.
Anyways, (colorectal? Ick.) we went back to her house and started painting. Her neighbor Carmen came over to help, and we made some pretty great progress in six and a half hours. Dave came to pick me up for dinner at 700 and I was drenched in sweat and covered with Pismo Dune and Rejuevenate paints (a golden yellow and a sage green from Behr, very nice). We were in separate cars, and I was ravenously hungry, and by the time I showered using some strawberry baby shampoo and Suave body wash that smelled like Glade (I am such a product snob!), I was hardly in the mood to go out in public. So I left my Mom's, and Dave met me at home with Chinese takeout, a bottle of wine and an entire carrot cake from Publix (it's STILL my birthday month, people, and I have not yet had carrot cake!). We pigged out and watched The Wedding Singer, which has to be in my top five all time favorite movies. That scene at the end, on the airplane with Billy Joel, where Adam Sandler's character sings the I Wanna Grow Old With You song in that earnest falsetto voice? Oh! So! Romantic!
It was SO nice to get a break from the kids (this is actually the third week in a row that my Mom has had them stay over one night!) and to just hang out and relax. I am going to miss Dave soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. And, no, it's not because I can't survive without him. I am not going to curl up in the fetal position in Kentucky and just bawl my eyes out. I know I can live without him. I just don't want to! I am also worried the kids will miss him too much and I will feel responsible for having whisked them away to Grandma Jane's for 2 weeks. Of course, this was a mutual decision, I will just feel responsible when I have to explain to Anna why she can't see Daddy.
What does tomorrow bring, since I did not accomplish anything (other than relaxation) tonight? I have to pack everything and I am going to make some food to freeze for Dave while I am gone. I have a Dr.'s appt at 10:15. My Mom and Ed have appointments at 9:45(luckily, this one happens to be with the same doctor I am going to see, so we can just take turns with the kids in the waiting room), 11:15, and 1:30, and she has T and JoJo all day. So we are going to be doing some fancy footwork with the four kids tomorrow. I also need to go to the pharmacy, and fit an hour of tutoring in tomorrow. I know there are probably a lot of other things I need to do, like laundry and go to the ATM, blah, blah. I have no idea what I am going to bring on my trip, and I have no idea if what I am going to bring will fit in the suitcases I plan on bringing. This is part of the reason I am up typing this blog instead of sleeping.

June in Pictures

Correction: That's 16 inches lost!

Whoops, I had even more reason to brag yesterday. I just put in my final results online, and I actually lost 16 inches. 3 from my bust (that's all bra-fat!), 3 from my waist, 6.75 from my abdomen, etc.... Last night I went to return something, and the clothes that I normally wear at this store were falling off of me! I am down easily a whole size in their shorts. And all of this while still eating like a heifer and not losing a pound. I wonder what I could accomplish if I actually focused on my diet also? Hmmmm. This past month, it's either been super healthy or super bad eating (like I'll have Kashi and skim milk for breakfast, a huge salad for lunch, and then a chili dog, french fries and a Coke for dinner). And when you stretch your birthday out to last a whole month, you have cake more than once, and you eat out more than once.... So hopefully next month will bring some pounds and inches lost. I'll keep you guys posted. I am sure you find this utterly fascinating, right?
BTW! The new Tori and Dean show on the Oxygen channel? FABULOUS! I love, love, love this couple. I will be so sad if they ever get divorced (which I do realize is probably very likely).
I have always had a strange adoration for Tori Spelling, and I watched NoTORIous on VH1, and then I loved all the seasons (was there 3?) of Tori and Dean: Inn Love (where they tried to start a B&B). I am so sad that I will miss two new episodes while I am gone. But they are going to be DVRed and saved till manually erased.
Just so you know, Dave, I will be FURIOUS if I come home and they are not on the DVR list! The house can be a disaster and your honey-do list can be completely undone, but if you mess with my show settings, !!!!!!!!!!!
(I hope everyone who reads this can tell when I am joking around. ) Even if I were furious with Dave, this is what I would say: Honey, I can't believe you erased my shows! And he would say: I'm sorry! And I would say, sulkily, It's okay. We are a pretty quiet couple.

My Success at Curves, in the Form of 12 Inches Lost.

Today I went to Curves to get weighed and measured. After dropping out of Curves last year to join a regular gym (complete with sweaty men and skinny fitness instructors), I have done nothing but gain weight and go up in sizes. So last month I paid 30 bucks to join Curves for a month as part of their fitness study. Something amazing happened: I actually went to the gym. I have been 12 times, 3 times a week, for 4 weeks now. To complete the study, I had to go back in today to get my final numbers. I knew I had not lost any weight, but I really did not deserve to lose any weight since I have been pigging out all month (hey, it's my birthday month!).
Well, I am quite proud to say that I have lost over 12 inches this month. That's a whole foot of flab!!! 3 inches from my waist, 6 from my lower abdomen , 2 from my hips... (I wish some of it had been from my chin. Maybe next month. They don't measure double chins though.)
Needless to say, I rejoined this morning, which I had already planned on doing. Curves is just the most practical solution for me and it is the only thing that has ever given me results. I also don't have social anxiety every time I walk in there. I just feel safe there. And it smells so much better than our regular gym.

Wednesday

Okay, so today was okay. Gosh, that was an awesome sentence.
I went to therapy today. It was not very productive because I felt like I was going to fall asleep the whole time. I literally could not focus. It was so embarassing. Lately I have been driving the wrong places and calling everyone the wrong names and mixing up my prounouns like crazy. I am so tired. Must get some sleep soon. I am going to the rheumatoligist on Monday and he is going to have to do something. Something's gotta give! Between my headaches and my pain and my sleep disturbances, I am at my wit's end. I am trying to be patient and to have faith that things will either get better or I will get tougher, but this has been going on for almost a full year now. I am starting to wonder if I have ever felt well, or if I am really just losing it a little.
I keep telling God, look, I can't do this anymore! But what keeps coming back to me is this memory of when I was in labor with Jonathan. I had been pushing for 2 hours straight with no rest between contractions. His head was not budging, and I had overhead one of the nurses say, That baby ain't NEVER coming out. I kept crying and saying, I just can't do this!
And a nurse grabbed my head and said, Honey, you are doing this! You already are! You're doing it!
I feel like that's what God is telling me in this situation. I feel so hopeless and inadequate, and I keep telling Him, I just can't do this! Can't you see me here? I can't do this!
But I realize that I am doing this. Every day I get up and I just muddle through whatever needs to get done. And maybe I am not doing a good job, but I know deep down that I am doing the best job I can. And I know that God does see me here and he does care and he sees that I am doing my best. I can already see how feeling so awful has forced me to turn to God in ways that I have not before.
My struggle has also shown me who I am married to. (Of course, I KNEW who I was married to! You know, that guy named Dave.) But I mean I have seen his true character. Things have not been so pretty around here and he has not flinched one bit in the face of all of my ugliness and whininess and drama. Dave has shown up in a big way for me the past seven months and he has supported me in a way that I won't ever forget. Instead of thinking why me? I find myself thanking God that he gave me the husband that he did. I can't believe how blessed I have been through my marriage.
So that's Wednesday, sort of. But this is what actually happened: I went to lunch with Dave, went to the grocery, cleaned house, made dinner, went to VBS to serve, went to get ice cream (Oreo Caramel Swirl Heath Bar Crunch, so yum!) with Dave and Anna, went to pick Jonathan up at his VBS, came home, blogged, and am going to go to bed. Tomorrow is the last day of swim lessons! I am going to take Jonathan to get a special reward for his big accomplishment. I am going to predict that it will be Legos!

I wish...

I could remember to use those cloth bags at the grocery. I own them, but I always forget to bring them and then I just use plastic.

I were a neater person. I wish being tidy weren't such an unnatural thing for me. I wish my closets were clean and organized. I wish people could just drop by without me wanting to crawl under the couch in shame.

I were less critical of myself. Hmmm.

I could take back every unkind and discouraging word I have ever said, both to my loved ones and my enemies.

I could be better at expressing how I feel to Dave. I love him so much but my feelings just seem to get stuck inside, and I don't know how to let them out! I am always so excited to see him at the end of the day but instead of acting like I am, I just sort of mutter, Hey. I think it's partially how I grew up, and partially just my shyness.

I wish...

I did not enjoy food so much. I wish I did not think about it all of the time, and I wish I were one of those people who just forgets to eat lunch.

I were more confident of my abilities as a mother. It's hard to be an effective parent when I'm always second-guessing myself and comparing myself to other moms.

I could motivate myself to recycle. I know I should.

I could remember to take vitamins.

I could find the time and energy to garden. I would like to grow some veggies and herbs.


I wish...

I could stop loving gross fast food so much. I love Taco Bell, and as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing like a cheeseburger Happy Meal. I know it's not technically good food, but I just love it so much.

I weren't so influenced by ads and commercials. I flip through a magazine, and suddenly I really need some new mascara. Or shampoo. Or lipgloss. Or I really want one of those Swiffer dusters.
I can't even let myself watch an infomercial.

I weren't so dependent on the Internet, my cell phone and our DVR cable for happiness. I know it's not REAL happiness, but it sure seems like I'd be plenty miserable without them.

I wish...

I could enjoy a day at the beach with my family without worrying about how fat I look.

I did not care about what other people thought of me so much. (Although, I am improving on this.)

I could finally be at peace with my hair. It will always be the way it always has been, and trying to change it just makes me unhappy.

I felt more like a real grown-up. We will be married seven years in November. We have owned this house for over five. I have been a mother for almost five years. I have all of the responsibilities and roles of a grown-up, but I still look around and feel like a stranger in my life. Like, really, this is my house? My kids? Oh, yes, and that's my husband over there. Hello, there. Does anyone else know what I am talking about, or am I just crazy? I keep waiting to finally feel like a real grown-up. Maybe when I turn 30.

I felt better, had more energy, and weren't in pain everyday. Yes, I know it could be worse. But as long as I'm wishing, why not?

I could finally stop biting my nails. For good. I stop, and then I start again. I guess it's a 24 year old habit, so it's hard to break.

I could figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I keep praying about this, and the answer I keep getting is that I am already doing it. So instead, I wish I were more satisifed and content, and less doubtful and worried.

Jonathan's a Swimming Boy!

I am so, so, so proud! Jonathan swam today, both underwater and on top of the water. I could not believe my eyes! This was his third lesson with the private instructor (Miss Leslie, and she's fabulous! She also taught my niece how to swim.) and she was so amazed also. I bought him some Speedo goggles on clearance at Kohl's yesterday, and he had them on during this lesson, and he just went underwater and started swimming. He kept telling Trystan (who is also taking lessons) "It's easy to swim underwater, T, you just need some goggles." He thinks the goggles made him suddenly able to swim. If that's true, best 5 bucks I've ever spent! This is the same kid who flunked out of lessons two summers ago. Leslie tried a few times and he screamed the entire time until she finally told me that she did not think he was ready. Which I think showed some integrity considering how much she gets paid an hour. Last summer, we took lessons at the Satellite High pool, and he made huge progress in getting over his fear of the water and building up his confidence. But this summer, he has just taken off! All of the sudden he is able to use his arms and his legs together, which up until this point, I think was just too hard to coordinate. I knew we had come a loooong way during his lesson last week when he floated on his back briefly. Laying on his back used to always be his freak out trigger during lessons. Judging from all of the other kids at the Sherwood Pool a few weeks ago, this is pretty common.
Every time he would go under water and swim today, I wanted to go run and jump in the pool and get him out. All of my energy the past 4 and a half years has been focused on keeping him from going under (in the pool, bathtubs, ponds, the ocean, fountains), so it was a little unnerving to suddenly seeing him moving around under the surface of the pool. He was so proud of himself. The look on his face when he saw that he could do it, he really can swim, was priceless.
I am so proud of him! I was clapping and cheering like crazy. After his terrible week of disobedience and defiance, he is suddenly my sweet and darling boy again (his behavior has improved), and then he goes and SWIMS! He has totally redeemed himself.
OK, to sum up! My baby boy can swim! And I could not be more proud of him!

Jonathan's Interview

I saw this on Jessica's blog and I wanted to try it on Jonathan.
Here is the honest, unedited truth (as he sees it).
1.) What is something Daddy always says to you?
No kicking butts but only punching bags.
2.) What is something Mama always says to you?
Don't go to bed. Stay up ALL week. (Said with much giggling.)
3.) What makes Daddy happy?
Don't knock down pictures.
4.) What makes Mama happy?
No breaking the 'puter.
5.) What makes Daddy sad?
Saying poopyhead to him.
6.) What makes Mama sad?
When I say Damnit.
7.) What does Daddy do that makes you laugh?
Going underwater in the pool.
8.) What does Mama do that makes you laugh?
When you flip under your float. When you're on the float and you go underwater.
9.) How old is Daddy?
He's a big boy (holding out his hand to indicate 5).
10.) How old is Mama?
5. Both of you are 5.
11.) How tall is Daddy?
4 feet tall.
12.) How tall is Mama?
5. You're a big girl.
13.) What is Daddy's favorite thing to do?
Clean the pool. Or play Legos. (The first one is completely off, the second one, he does seem to enjoy!)
14.) What is Mama's favorite thing to do?
Poop in her diaper (laughing hysterically! When??? Will?? The?? Potty?? Humor?? END???!!!!)

And this is where I ended the interview. I don't think I need to tell you that the response to #14 is NOT TRUE. I figured he was going to say play Webkinz, which would have been a little embarassing, but at least somewhat accurate.

But It's Your Birthday!

So, my birthday is finally over. We can all move on with our lives! My birthday was great, even though I have not been feeling well this week. Dave took me out to Cedar Cafe, and I really, really, REALLY enjoyed my meal. They had the best baklava there. No honey in the recipe, they just make a simple syrup out of rosewater and sugar instead. So they were really light and just delish! Great service, excellent food and the best hummus ever. And the Greek salad! Don't get me started on the Greek salad!!! It had the coldest, crispiest Romaine ever! I also got some very nice suprises on the day of my actual birthday. My kids presented me with two Webkinz and they were so cute about the whole thing. It was really sweet. When I came home, my neighbor, and dear friend, Jamie, had brought me a balloon bouquet, with a Hello Kitty one in the middle! So now that my birthday has actually passed, maybe I can blog about something else... after this last one. And there may be another one tomorrow, with the actual birthday dinner at my Mom's house taking place.
Lately, every time I want Dave to do me a favor, or if I want to indulge in something I really shouldn't, I'll say "But's it's my birthday!" Tonight, right before dinner, Jonathan and Anna decided they were both ravenous. J chose a Coke Zero from the fridge, and Anna started chowing out of a bag of Kashi Go Lean. I did not know which kid to yell at first (not supposed to open the fridge, get stuff without asking, drink diet caffienated beverages, carry the cereal box around eating out of it...). All of my canned nagging statements intersected in my brain at once and I could not get anything out! By the time I decided to focus on the 20 ounce Coke, which he KNOWS is Daddy's, I could barely get the words, "Put that back! It has caffiene!," out of my mouth. I guess when choosing between my kids possibly spilling whole grain goodness on the floor (Mmmm, Kashi!) and ingesting a stimulant, I chose to stop the kid with the soda.
Jonathan quickly replied,"But it's your birthday!"
So cute! Look at him trying to use my own trick against me. But I still did not let him have the Coke. That would have only worked if it was one of my many birthday requests to have an over-caffienated kid three hours before bedtime on a day with no nap and church in the morning.

Anna's 1st Haircut

Above: All Done, But Still Screaming!

Check out this video clip of Anna Banana's first professional hair cut. We just got her bangs trimmed. I don't ever, ever want to cut the back of her hair. This was a month ago, right before we left for Cory's wedding, and I did not want to risk one of my usual bang-trims in the bathroom with kitchen shears on her. We went to one of those special kiddy hairshops. I even tried to bribe her with a Belle princess crown, which she refused to accept from me. She was so angry with us all for subjecting her to this ordeal! How dare we!!!

Am I a bad Mommy for thinking the whole thing was pretty much hysterical? I did not feel bad for her in the least. I guess it's probably because I can tell the difference between when she is scared and when she is just having a hopping mad fit. And could the hairdressers have been any nicer or more accomodating? She was kicking the poor lady the entire time! And they just kept blowing bubbles and trying to calm her down.

Now, I know I should not compare my two kids, but when they are opposites like mine, it is really difficult not to do so. Check out this picture of Jonathan (at 18 months) getting his first real haircut. Notice the difference? He sat so still and stared at himself in the mirror the entire time, with his boo (pacifier) in place.

I miss...

I was thinking today about what I miss most. Some of the things I miss I would not necessarily want back, but I still miss them anyways.
I miss....
My pre-pregnancy stomach (even when it was fat, it was still an improvement on its current state, which I would have to describe as somewhere between odd and gross. Anna put her head on my stomach the other day and said, I love you squish-squish tum tum, Mama. Silver lining? My kids like my fat. It provides a comfy spot to recline.)
** My old metabolism (I could literally eat whatever I wanted to and not get humongous, although I always thought I was such a big fatso) Specifically, I miss being able to eat that whole other meal sometime between 9 PM and midnight (which Taco Bell has dubbed Fourthmeal, and ironically enough, was often actually from Taco Bell, or TB as we called it back in the day) **Records and record players. I would actually like these back. CDs suck.**
**My childhood: sleepovers; drinking Coca-cola through a Twizzler straw; having the capacity to be absolutely covered in sand and not minding one bit (in fact, I miss being able to really relax. As an adult, I think I am getting more uptight by the minute); swimming and playing in the ocean (I'm too scared now; I only go in pools); all of my days at Creel Elementary, with the tote trays and the cubby holes and the open classrooms and the cool playground and the school song (You're our school and we love you, we're loyal and we're true, our emblem is the eagle, our colors red, white and blue... Does anyone know the words??); playing Monopoly so late into the night, all hopped up on Faygo soda and junk food, until my eyes were gritty with exhaustion; and I miss the feeling of being carried in my Dad's arms; of snuggling with my Mom at nap time; of sneaking into my parent's room and watching Nick at Nite (I did this until I was in the fifth grade, I am sure they probably did notice my 90 pound self in their bed)
I miss...
**All the dogs I have loved before (no, not my ex-boyfriends, I don't miss ANY of those), especially Maggie, because even though she was one spazzy and pain-in-the-butt mutt, I loved her so much. She was my one constant between the ages of 15 and 25 and I cried many a tear into her stinky (but such a good stinky) coat! Sniff. Okay, let's move on before I start crying!!!** Speaking of crying, I sort of miss how sensitive I used to be. I used to be able to cry about anything, anytime, but now I can go weeks and weeks without a tear. It's almost like my tear ducts (glands??) are constipated. Gross.**My size 26 by 30 LEVI 501 jeans. Oh, I would like to have those back.**Lara's junior high bedroom, with its awesome mauve and green color scheme and that daybed with those pillows with the cool pokey flower napkin rings around the pillowcases. I really loved her room so much. I thought it was the best decorating ever. (I am not joking around here!) I adored Lara's house and family so much. I wanted to live there.**
I miss...
My Aunt Vernie and Uncle Jim. I miss Vernie for her zaniness. She was the one completely and utterly unique person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I miss Jim for his pure heart. He was the one completely and utterly good person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.** Driving a manual transmission. But no, I never want to own one again! I can't possibly parent from the front seat, talk on my cell, drink my coffee and shift at the same time. I know, I know...** Being able to get away with not wearing a bra. Those were the days.**Bladder control. Not that I am walking around wearing Poise pads or anything, just after giving birth to Jonathan, things just aren't the same (have you seen the size of his head?? It's a miracle that anything is the same at all!)**The smell of my childhood home. My brother lives there now and it is a completely different smell. Not a bad smell, just different.**Dave and I's first apartment together, with the bean bag chair and the bumper pool table and the bed that had a bookshelf headboard, and the world's ugliest (but sturdy and very functional) entertainment center, and the blue floral velvet furniture with the plywood under the cushions. I miss all of that stuff. I even miss living in the hood. No, I take that back. But those were some good times.**Being able to fall asleep without mentally calculating how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now. Or a half hour from now. Or forty-five minutes. What if it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep! Then I will only get 4 hours of sleep! Seriously, I lay awake at night annoying myself. ** Being brave enough to paint my bedroom a very questionable shade of purple simply because I liked the name on the paint chip. And actually being happy having insanely purple walls. Now I obsess for weeks (months, really) whether to paint the walls one blah neutral non-color or the other. When really, there's no point because you can't even tell the difference between the 14 paint chips from a foot away and I don't take any joy in the color I choose anyway. Maybe I need to paint my bedroom Grape Soda Fizz again. But then again, I am not seven years old anymore and I do have to take my grown-up husband into account when I paint a room.
So I guess, in summary, I miss being carefree. I miss being innocent and fearless in only the way a secure and well-loved child can be. I miss my loved ones that have died and I miss my loved ones that are still in my life. I miss the way they used to be. I miss the way I used to be.
But, on the eve of my 28th birthday, I realize that I would not ever want to go back. We can miss things and people and even our old (or rather, our young) selves from afar, but we don't ever have the luxury of going backwards. Only forwards. And I love my life. If I took all of my 28 years and accounted for all of the happiness, the joy, the laughter, and the gifts in one column, and all of the sadness, the pain, the tears, and the trials in another column, I realize with much, much gratitude that the good stuff would far outmeasure the bad. I've had a good life, an extraordinarily blessed and happy life in so many ways.
PS I lied about something: I don't miss all of my days at Creel Elementary. I certainly don't miss the day someone put a dead baby bird in my cubby hole. Now tell me that they just happened to choose my particular cubby hole. Oh, man, that was almost TWENTY YEARS AGO and I am getting so worked up just thinking about it. I would just like to know, who did it? And WHY? Who does something like that? Was it just a dead bird they happened to find on their way into the classroom, or did they actually murder this bird? Chilling!!!

So Savage, Yet So Refined

I overheard a conversation between my nephew Trystan and Jonathan today that made me laugh. They had dumped all of the popcorn shrapnel from the bottom of a bag of Smartfood popcorn (which I love, and I considered eating the little bits off the floor. Which I did not do.) and they were eating it like dogs, face down on the floor, no hands, growling.
Suddenly, Jonathan jumped up and ran over to get a toy. Then he walked back and said to Trystan: Is this the popcorn store?
T said: Yeah, it is.
J says: Can I have some, please?
T: Sure you can! (picking some off the floor and handing it to Jon)
J: Thank you, Trystan.
I mean, one minute they are smashing their faces into the floor and barking, and the next, they are so polite, they practically sound British!

Anna is this way also. She's two and a half now, and she is able to express herself very well. Just this morning, she asked for a Kid's Meal for breakfast (a Kid's Cuisine frozen dinner). I said nooo, how about some cereal? I woke up with a headache this morning and thought of microwaving chicken nuggets made me queasy. In response to my no, Anna threw herself down on the tile, screaming in complete and utter despair, big, fat tears rolling down her neck. I honestly have not one clue as to what she was saying. It was instant hysteria. The screaming was making my head worse, so I gave in (I fling open the freezer door and slam a Kid's Cuisine on the counter and huff and puff all over the kitchen. Fine, Anna! I'll make you a stupid Kid's Meal! Just BE QUIET PLEASE!). My parenting is always the best before 7 AM. I am such a delightful morning person.
When Anna saw she was getting her way, she immediately jumped up, and in the sweetest little voice imaginable, blinking up at me with those big baby blues and that little angel face, Mama, can you please make me a Kung Fu panda one with chicken nuggets cut up and a baby fork and spoon?
It amazes me how my kids can swing back and forth to such radical extremes everyday. It's like they are bipolar or something. Sometimes Jonathan can be the most mature, thoughtful, reasonable kid around, and other times, he just acts like a loon and completely throws me. Sometimes Anna can be this terrible tantrum-throwing two-year old toddler and other times, she is just a perfect little lady and an absolute delight. I guess the thing to be grateful for here is that they do transition. Jonathan does not act like a wild beast and Anna does not act like a terror all the time. I'd really be crazy then.

Pool Fences, Part Two

Okay, so again Jonathan attempts to open the pool fence. This time I left to go to the gym. I was gone under an hour. At least this time he had somewhat of an excuse. JoJo's friend was there, and she asked Jonathan to open it to show her how this remote control pool toy worked. Jonathan, thinking that 10 year old girls are grown ups, listened to her. I did not get this detail until after I had spanked him. I rarely ever spank him but I am just thinking, what else can I do at this point? So then I felt bad that I had disciplined him. I am so ready to go to Kentucky to get away from pools and fences and just have a change in routine. Maybe slow things down a little and just try to enjoy being with the kids.
For any of you that caught my little rant earlier (a now deleted blog post), I really can't give any details, but you might have sensed that I was pretty mad at certain people. I am still angry but I am not willing to confront anyone so instead I will just stew about it, writing snarky little posts and then erasing them hours later.
My birthday day had better be better than my birthday week has been.

Pool Fences

So I left Jon and Anna with my Mom to get an adjustment yesterday. I came back and my Mom was very upset. Here's what happened: My Mom had the kids on the patio and went in the house to get her swimsuit on. Jonathan apparently decided to open the pool gate (the supposedly kiddy-proof one; the ones that cost a ton of money?) and when my mom came back, Anna was in the pool, playing on the island. My Mom freaked. Understandably. The thing that baffles me, other than that we have told Jonathan over and over and over again the he never to touch the pool fence, is that my kids had just finished a very expensive private swimming lesson. I watched them sit and listen intently to the instructor teach them all about water safety. Yesterday was one of those times where I just watched my kid flop and fail and blow it. I watched my parenting in action, all my efforts and hard work to try and teach him the right way, and I just felt like a failure. How will he act when I am not around to tell him what to do? Like when he's at school, or when I leave him at Grandma's house. Will he make me proud, or ashamed?
He intentionally disobeyed us and put himself and his sister in real danger. And my Mom, he almost gave her a heart attack. The day before yesterday I had the kids in the pool. I turned my head to talk to Ed for maybe 30 seconds? Jonathan started shouting Mama! Mama! He was so flustered he could not even sputter anything out, but when I turned to look, Anna had slipped out of her water ring and was flailing around under the surface of the water. How many seconds passed before I could get in the pool to get her out? Maybe 10 or 15, at most? But it felt like an eternity. It was like a bad dream where I needed to run but I could not get my arms and legs to work properly. She was okay, basically, but I can't stop thinking about what could have happened, and kicking myself for turning away. Jonathan immediately said, I think we should just go inside now, Mama. He was totally pale and he said, I was so worried about Anna. He really got it, he really seemed to understand how serious this was. But then one day later, he makes this bad choice.
What was his punishment? We packed his Transformers, his Legos, his GameBoy and put them in Dave's trunk. His computer was turned off and he has no computer, Webkinz, or video game privileges. I canceled a birthday outing on Friday to Pump It Up. He can't go swimming except for his lesson on Thursday. His punishment ends Saturday. Normally, I am pretty lax, but he really needs to know that this is a very serious thing! My Mom called this morning and petitioned on his behalf, saying, I was thinking, maybe you really shouldn't take all those things away. But there is no way we can go back on what we said now. The funny thing is, Jonathan knew he was in big trouble. I was so upset I called his Daddy home early so we could figure out what to do. He was to come in and sit down on the couch and don't you dare get up!!! I think by the time we told him what we had decided, he was so anxious that he was relieved. He probably thought we were going to beat him or make him sleep outside or something. He was very solemn about his punishment, and did not cry or have a fit. He just seemed to accept it.
PS There is just a very small part of me, and no one tell Jon this, that is a teensy bit proud of my clever son. He is just very mechanically inclined, as his Poppa Ed said yesterday! He is just too smart sometimes. I just have to learn how to help him channel his genius, to use it for good and not evil.

Kashi Go Lean CRRRRRRUNCHHH!!!!

My current cereal obsession is Kashi Go Lean Crunch. I really like the Honey Almond Flax flavor. I am normally very loyal to Frosted Mini Wheats or Grape Nuts. But for the past month or so, it's been Kashi, Kashi everyday. Anna loves to drink my cereal milk from my spoon while I eat breakfast. (I think this is disgusting, I would never slurp out of someone else's cereal bowl. All of those little soggy bits of cereal floating about. It gives me chills!)
Normally she waits until I am all done with the cereal to start drinking the milk. Today she started asking for the milk earlier, and she must have accidentally gotten a spoonful of cereal.
She looked at me with this wide-eyed, concerned expression on her face, and said:

That cereal could break your teeth, Mama.

I actually think the very same thing every time I eat this cereal. When they say crunch, they aren't kidding.

Turtle Bars, or Turtle Cake, or How to Gain 5 lbs Overnight

Today I made Turtle Bars for Father's Day at my Mom's. I let Anna have one, and she was very amused by the name.
A:What these called, Mama? Is this cake?
Me: No, honey it's more like a cookie. They are called Turtle Bars.
A: Turtle Cake, Mama? What it has in it?
Me: Well, graham crackers, chocolate, butter, nuts, and sugar....
A: Where you get the turtle, Mama?
Me: What?
A: It called Turtle Cake, where you get the turtles? It has turtles in it?
(She is not concerned about the turtles. Anna is making a joke. She is looking at me and grinning and giggling. She is so funny. She is always trying to make little jokes.

Anyways, the bars were really good. I am trying my darndest not to eat them all before the party tomorrow. Especially since I had the most delicously disgusting dinner ever. Jonathan and I went on a little date tonight. We went to Get Fired Up!. He has never been, and he was so mature about it. He selected a very realistic lizzard, and he chose very appropriate colors for it. He was patient during the three coat painting process, and he loved using the hairdryer to dry his lizzard between coats. I was able to finish my mermaid for Anna. Then we went to Mustard's Last Stand, which has been in Brevard along US1 forever! They moved in downtown, and so we went through the drive-thru. I ordered a chili cheese (if you are going to do something wrong, do it right!) dog, a cherry coke and we split an order of fries. SO! VERY! GOOD! We ate in the car with the radio turned up (Jonathan wanted to listen to disco music on the radio) and Jonathan said we should go to that place again! I totally agree. Mustard's Last Stand kicks Longdogger's hot dog serving butt anyday, as far as I am concerned.
So now that you are thinking about hot dogs, here is the turtle bar recipe:

1 ROLL of refrigerated sugar cookie dough
1 BAG semisweet chocolate chips
1.5 CUPS chopped pecans
1 STICK butter
1/2 CUP packed brown sugar
1 JAR Caramel Ice Cream Topping
1 CUP graham cracker crumbs (about 15 squares of crackers crushed up)

Heat oven to 350. Press cookie dough into bottom of ungreased 13X9 Pyrex dish.
Sprinkle 1 cup (1/2 of the bag) of chocolate chips and 1/2 of the pecans over dough and press them lightly into the dough.
In a saucepan, melt butter over medium-hi heat. Stir in brown sugar, graham cracker crumbs, and caramel topping. Heat till boiling while stirring constantly.
Pour mixture over crust in pan and spread it out evenly.
Sprinkle the rest of the chocolate chips and nuts on top.
Bake about 25-30 minutes until the edges are deep golden brown (all caramellized goodness!). Cool on cooling rack in pan about a half hour, then use a knife to cut edges away from pan. Leave in the pan until completely cool, about 3 hours or so. Cut into 6 rows by 4 rows, or if you are a pig, into 4 rows by 4 rows. If you are really, really a pig and don't plan to bring this to any potluck, stand in the kitchen in your underwear and eat it out of the pan. But please use caution not to burn yourself while trying to lick the spoon that you used to stir the caramel mixture with (like I did). Also, don't trust your husband when he agrees to leave some in the saucepan for you to scrape out, because he will not do so. He will really, really try but will apparently lose all self-control and hand you the pan and say, apologetically, sorry, there's not much left. Not much left will be a huge understatement and you will think seriously about licking the drizzled, drippy bits off the stovetop.
Enjoy!

Friday, or the beginning of my birthday week

Yesterday, Friday the 13th, was the beginning of my birthday week. My Mom had the kids overnight, and after stopping at the gym and coming home to shower, Dave and I went out for the evening. Normally, whenever the kids sleep over at my Mom's, we are so focused on the Alone Time that we are going to get to have that we don't leave our house. But I wanted to go paint ceramics at Get Fired Up, and Dave was very nice to go along with me. We went to dinner first at Harbor City Diner, which is right by our house, and if you live in Brevard, you should give it a try. They have really, really good food. I got the chicken soulvaki platter, which comes with a very delicious Greek salad. Dave got his usual, the French dip and french fries (he's very cultured) which made me happy because then I got to steal some of his fries. They have one of those cake refrigerators, with the cakes and pies that rotate in the glass case? So we ordered two pieces to go, one German chocolate for me, and one Triple Chocolate for Dave. After the monstrous portions we had for dinner, we needed to wait a while before indulging in the cake (which by the way, I had some last night, and there was still more than enough to give each of the kids a piece that they could never hope to finish). After dropping the cake off at our house, we went to Get Fired Up. We have not been there together in years (like, probably at least 5?) and we had a relaxing evening. Dave painted an F-something fighter plane? I don't know; he could tell you the exact name. He is going to give it to Jonathan, and I started work on an Ariel mermaid for Anna. I wanted to paint her hair blonde to look like Anna, but Dave suggested that this might anger her. I think he's right. She would probably say, Not Princess Mermaid! I can just picture her throwing it down on the floor in anger, and it smashing into a hundred pieces. So I went with Rocket Red for her hair. I really enjoyed our evening together, and I am so happy to be married to someone that I love to spend time with.
Saturday, the second day of my birthday week, is not proving to be quite as fabulous, but still good. I woke up early (and was very, very tired) and went to a VBS meeting for church. But like all things with our church, even though I had to drag myself there, I left feeling positive and glad that I went. Not that I always have to drag myself to church stuff. I just mean that even if I don't feel like going, I always leave with the same happy feeling every time. It's just a good place to be. After the meeting, I had to go grocery shopping. I was alone! At Publix! By MYSELF! To me, this is about as good as a pedicure. I came home and made a really, really yummy new recipe. A barbeque chicken pizza. The sauce was made of raspberry preserves, chipotle chiles and BBQ sauce. It had red onions and pineapple on it, and was smothered in mozzerella and shredded parmesan. We had mango salsa and chips and fresh pineapple on the side. It was really GOOD! A combination of sweet and spicy hot, which is my favorite! Now I am making some Turtle Bars and Bean Salad for tomorrow's Father's Day party at my Mom's house. (I will have to give up one day of my birthday week for Father's Day festivities.)
Later I am going to float in the pool with a yummy drink and read my book. I am suddenly wanting to sunbathe, which is very strange. I have never been the type to lay out. Even as a teen, I was very sensible with the sunblock. I guess I just feel like I never feel well, so I might as well indulge in a little self-destructive behavior anyways. (Yes, I really do think tanning is a self-destructive behavior.) I had better stop thinking about it before I talk myself out of it. Of course, I will keep my face well protected. I don't want to get all wrinkly.

Report on the First Week of Swim Lessons

We finished our first week! I say we because I have to be in the water with Anna.
Jonathan has made great progress already. He can jump off the edge to his teacher, and she makes him let go and he has to get to the wall himself with his head underwater and climb out. He is very cooperative and I am very proud of the way he listens to his teacher. She is very cute and I think that helps (I really, really do). I think he wants her to like him. He wants to please her and make her happy with him, and this means that we are getting our money's worth out of the class. Thank goodness they did not give him some ugly old teacher.
Anna, however, is not phased by her cute teacher. Perhaps if her teacher were the young male lifeguard who is insanely ripped (in a way that seems almost wrong for a teenager to be) she would feel more cooperative (I really, really don't think so). She is doing really well even if she complains the entire time and glares at her teacher and sulks. I want to tell the teacher, she really is cute, really! I know she just seems like a little brat to you, but I assure you that she is actually adorable! I push her towards the wall, and she has to kick and reach with her arms and climb out all by herself. It takes all of my will to keep from helping, from giving a gentle nudge to her rear to assist her. But I know it is good for her, and my hope is with both of the kids that should they ever fall in, they will be able to stay calm and get out.

Quote from JK Rowling

Every once in a while I read something that really resonates, and makes me go hmmmm.

The following is a quoted passage from a commencement address recently given by JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter Series:

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and
understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other
people's minds, imagine themselves into other people's places.
Of course,
this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One
might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to
understand or sympathise.
And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations
at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own
experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other
than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can
close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them
personally; they can refuse to know.
I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares
than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental
agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative
see more monsters. They are often more afraid.
What is more, those who choose not to empathise may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

Apologies for the bad block quoting here (I still have not figured out Blogger), I am writing my own thoughts in red to clarify! As if you won't be able to tell. Rowling is just ever so slightly more eloquent than I am.

I have always been really sensitive, and I have always cared about everything a little too much. I have always been a little too empathetic. Seeing starving children on TV or reading an article about puppy mills, or thinking about the plight of manatees or Florida panthers or bald eagles or whatever, always sent me into a stomach-aching, hair pulling, agonizing frenzy. I'll never forget about when I first learned about genital mutilation. I was in fifth grade, sitting in the ID card office on base, and I saw a newsclip on CNN. I was horrified, but at the same time I wanted to educate myself, to find out more about what was being done to stop this horrifying practice.

At some point in my life, I have learned to turn my caring switch off. I just could no longer handle all of my own problems and process all the pains of the world at the same time. Now, if I see an article on something that might disturb me, I flip past it. I never, ever watch the news. But lately I have been thinking about how wrong this approach has been, and I am sorry that I have stopped caring so much. I realize I can't fix everything that is wrong, but once upon a time, I did try to do what I could to remedy the world's problems, or at least I tried to face them with my eyes open. It's not fair that I have the choice to simply ignore what makes me feel unpleasant while other people have to live out every moment in what I choose to ignore.

I don't think I got callous or cynical when I decided to stop paying attention; I simply think that I was tired and worn out. I could only focus on so much at a time and I just felt it was hopeless. Too much hurt to bear and so I chose to turn away. But I am starting to wake back up and realize that I can't simply ignore everything bad in the world. I don't really know what I am trying to say; I am not going to run away and join the Peace Corps or anything. I just would like to be more like who I used to be. Someone who cared and who thought caring could make a difference.

Am I only dreaming?

Last night Dave had band practice. I fell asleep with the kids after reading to them. We were reading a book about a panda bear and I stupidly told them about Mao-Mao, the panda bear that was killed in the earthquake in China. This led to my fumbling explanation about death and earthquakes and heaven, which the kids listened to with furrowed brows and disturbed expressions. This whole conversation was made worse by the fact that we had just seen Kung Fu Panda, and the kids are in love with panda bears right now, and also that it was thundering outside, and they were both having considerable anxiety about the storm. Every year, we have to get used to the summer storms again. They both wanted Daddy to be home because they feel safer when he's home (and to be honest, so do I).
Anna kept saying but that teddy bear not supposed to die and saying she did not like heaven and never wanted to go there. Jonathan wanted a scientific explanation of exactly what is an earthquake. I could not satisfy either of them with anything I said.
So, finally we all fell asleep. The next thing I knew, it was 12:30 and I was so confused. I stumbled into our bedroom and saw that Dave had made it home okay, and he was asleep. I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, and I saw the most wonderful thing on the counter: a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. I ate them all in my sleepy state, standing in the kitchen for a few minutes and then pouring the contents out in my hand and eating the rest in bed, before falling asleep without (gasp!) brushing my teeth again.
I woke up this morning and really thought that this had all been a dream. I told myself, dark chocolate peanut M&Ms? Who has ever heard of such a thing? I could only wish. And when I went to the kitchen and did not see the empty bag on the counter I was convinced that I had been dreaming.
I moved a dishtowel later on, and there it was! An empty purple bag of M&Ms. I felt both disgusted and relieved. Disgusted that I had started my day already in the hole with my diet, and relieved that it was not all a dream (because they were really, really delicious and I definitely want them again, just not when I am in a semi-conscious state) Then I thought, Oh, how sweet, Dave must have brought them home for me. But it turns out he thought he was purchasing dark chocolate M&Ms and had opened them, discovered what they were (he hates nuts) and left them on the counter. Oh, well, at least one of us enjoyed them.

Today's Accomplishments

1.) I got out of bed, even though I was in the middle of a fantastic dream that I wanted to keep dreaming(I was redecorating Jonathan and Anna's bedrooms; there were paint swatches everywhere and I was so happy!).
2.) I sort of kept a kid from drowning at swim lessons (which was seriously terrifying and I can't stop thinking about it and I just want to keep my kids home for the rest of the summer away from all pools). Somehow the two lifeguards on duty and the one teaching the class just did not see him go under. He went under on purpose. I heard him say, Hey, Look what I can do!
He just let go of the wall, and at first, since he had done it intentionally, I thought he was just struggling under the water on purpose. Also, I had that social anxiety, where I kept thinking, well, is he really drowning? What if I go and lift him out and he was just treading water and everyone thinks I am a total overdramatic freak?I imagined his mother running over and saying, Hey! Lady! Don't touch my kid!
But he really was not swimming and he really was sucking in water. I got him out, which was a little difficult since I had Anna in my arms. The lifeguard came over and I told her what happened and then I just tried to get back into the lesson with Anna but I could not stop staring at that part of the pool. He is in Jonathan's class (Jonathan was in the water getting instruction from the lifeguard and her back was turned to the other 3 students) and now I am going to be super anxious about Jonathan, and really, everyone in the pool (I can't ever just take care of my own business; this is part of why I am in therapy).
3.) I managed to remain calm when I had fire ants in my swimsuit coverup that were stinging me. The only thing that kept me from ripping off my coverup to get the ants off of me was the field full of men playing softball. If you think that I was concerned that they would check me out, then you don't know me that well. It was out of concern for them. I wanted to spare them the sight of me in my swimsuit. I am feeling REALLY GOOD about my body these days. Also, I managed to locate and smash the ants and I only got bit a couple of times.
4.) I went to Fazoli's and only had one breadstick. This is perhaps my proudest accomplishment of the day.
5.) I managed to construct Jonathan's new Star Wars Lego set. I am spatially challenged and it took me close to 45 minutes to assemble an 81 piece set, but hey! I did it! I was just so tired of telling him that we had to wait for Daddy to get home. But now I am sort of wondering if I was dumb to put it together for him. Telling him "I don't know how, only Daddy does" has gotten me out of a lot of hassle. Now that he knows I have potential, he may try to get me use it more often.

First Day of Swim Lessons

Our first day of swim lessons went well. I did not think we would be able to make it since Anna has been sick since Friday night with a fever and a cold. But she was fever free since yesterday morning, and jumped up and starting taking her pjs off and trying to get into a size 4T swimsuit (which would be like me trying to get into a size 6 suit, except it is the exact opposite problem). She told me, No! I NOT sick. I AM going in the pool RIGHT NOW.
I was a little peeved because I had not properly prepared to be in a swimsuit today. One thing I had meant to do, since there are actually people I know at these lessons, is to lose a good 20lbs first. Obviously, this is not happening, but at the very least, I had some, ahem, grooming issues that should have been taken care of before today.
We got there, and Jonathan just goes off with his teacher (yet another cute teenage girl, just like last summer). He is currently laid up in bed, because this teacher has them hold on to the edge of the pool and kick whenever it is not their turn. His legs are very sore. But he did great! I looked over at him from the WaterBabies section of the pool, and was pleased to see that the teacher has already made more progress with him than I have been able to. He normally won't use his legs and his arms in unision because he has a death grip on me. Anna also did well. She is one of the older kids in the class.
When we were getting ready to leave, and walking away from the group to go to the car, Anna made a loud announcement. "I have got sh*t in my shoes." I laugh nervously and start to usher the kids to the car a little faster. "Oh, what, baby, you have sticks in your shoes?" I say, a little louder than I need to, hoping to clarify to any of the other mothers that may have heard her. "No, Mama! Not sticks. I have got sh*t in my shoes." Anna shrieks this at me, with a little stomp and a little shake of her purple Crocs for emphasis.
What can I say? Do I know exactly where she picked up this sweet little phrase? No. Could I feasibly have let this word slip over the last two years, at some point, long before she could talk, but was secretly filing it all away in her mental language bank? Of course.
My face was bright red as I got her in her carseat. But to be honest, I was also trying my best not to laugh, not even to smile a little bit. And to think, I was worried about the other moms judging me based on my bikini line. I obviously have more to worry about than that.

Normal is a relative thing

I have blogged before about Webkinz. I really enjoy them so much, and would have been enthralled with them had they been around when I was a kid. I used to create little imaginary towns and houses for all of my little imaginary creatures. I had to actually imagine them, and it was one of the ways I would entertain myself. I was a very spacey sort of child. I was always either reading or wrapped up in this type of elaborate daydreaming. Anyways, I have been resisting the urge to buy myself any Webkinz or start my own account, because that just seems, well, very immature and silly. But I noticed a few nights ago that the black and white cat we bought for Anna a while back still had the secret code attached and had never been activated. So I basically stole it from my child, named her Meowington and created the most beautiful room for her. The type of bedroom I wish I had. Not the gaudy or bright or hodgepodge rooms the kids create (like the room for Jonathan's snake, where he has used an ingenious [but I'm sorry, hideous] mix of the space and schoolroom themes). I have been playing the games quite a bit, especially Quizzy's Word Challenge, which is sort of like Boggle, which I LOVE! I was a little concerned about my sanity until I went to scrapbook with some ladies last night. Am I normal to be enjoying this kiddo hobby so much? Somehow Webkinz came up as a topic of conversation and I was so relieved when the other two mothers my age started talking about how they are both on Webkinz, and this or that is their favorite game, and how they have found loopholes so you can do more jobs per day, and all of this other stuff. They were so excited while we were talking about it! It made me feel so much more normal to know that I am not the only one visiting the Curio Shop at midnight to see what's on sale.

Friday

Today I woke up feeling very grumpy. Almost evil, really. I really had no reason to feel this way, but I just did. It is Dave's off Friday and he let me sleep in and he made orange sweet rolls for breakfast, but I still felt really hostile. I stubbed my toe really bad on a stepstool and ripped half of a toenail off, which really makes me so angry because it messed up my pedicure. That, and it really hurts.
Luckily, the kids and I had a playdate with my friend Jessica. It was the best way I could have possibly spent my time today! She is just such a wonderful, funny person and just being around her really cheered me up so much. It has been way too long since I have seen her and her kids. They are so grown up now! We got to swim in their pool and Jonathan and Anna had a great time. They both used some little floats you can sit in and were delighted that they could kick their way across the pool. Jonathan wants one, a Spiderman one, because then he says he can go in the deep end. He is getting much braver with the water, and I am hoping this will finally be the summer that he learns to swim. Lessons start this Monday for both of them! I am looking forward to lessons because it will give a little more structure to our day. These lessons go on Monday through Thursday for 2 weeks, and we also have private lessons scheduled (my Mom arranged it) for Jonathan and Trystan at her house two mornings a week. So hopefully, this will be the summer for Jonathan, and maybe Anna too. I think they could both swim, they just need to let go (literally) of me enough to do it. Between swim lessons, VBS, my birthday and Father's Day, June is just going to fly by.

I Should Be Sleeping

Instead I am eating cheese puffs and getting cheese powder on the keyboard as I type. I am not hungry, but I made the mistake of eating one, and now I can't stop myself.
I don't feel like sleeping because I know I will just have to wake up all the time during the night.
Last night I got up and got a big glass of cold water, and then fell asleep in bed with it in my hand. It spilled all over me and the bedding and the floor. I threw a towel at the wet mess, sort of half-heartedly and slept with my head at the foot of the bed (putting my face dangerously close to Dave's talon toenails) with my wet nightgown and comforter. Lovely.
I am listening to this really, really awful book on CD by Jane Greene, called The Other Woman. I bought it in the clearance bin at Books-A-Million. I listen to it in the car as I drive around town. It is really terrible. The plot is both non-existent and predictable, and I really hate the main character, Ellie. I am actually rooting for the Other Woman, which is her mother-in-law, who seems to have done nothing wrong but plan and pay for a huge wedding and offer to babysit her first grandson. Ellie is super ungrateful and immature and very possessive of her baby. You have to wonder what is wrong with people who don't/can't/won't let their children bond with other people. I guess they are really insecure. I am really hoping her husband leaves her and moves back in with his mother and she has to share custody. She is too whiny to bear.
But this book, I am only half way through the discs and I cannot imagine how the author is going to fill up the next half. It is seriously one of the worst books I have ever read. I can't stop listening to it though. It is far more entertaining than the radio. And it is read in this very precise, clipped British accent. The reader prounounces every syllable so carefully. I just am hypnotized by it. Jonathan loves it also. If I try to turn it off, he begs me to leave it on. He is probably learning how to curse in a British sort of way. At least it still sounds polite.
I adore British accents. I could listen to them talk about anything. So I guess that is what is keeping me going. I am also reading Running with Scissors, a funny and shocking memoir, which is a far better book, although it is so gross, I could never, ever play it on a CD in the car.

Career Goals

The other day, after the space shuttle launched, and we were talking about it, the kids shared their career goals with me. I told Jonathan he could be an astronaut (You can be whatever you want to be; you just have to work really hard, blah, blah, blah...) and he thought for a second, and said No, I want to be a baker.
I asked Anna what she wanted to be, and she thought for a minute, and said, I want to be you, Mama.
So a baker and a Mommy? Where are the big dreams, kids? Come on! We all start out wanting to be something really fantastic (like an astronaut, or a dolphin trainer at Sea World) and then life and reality gets in the way, and we settle for something more attainable. Not that there is anything wrong with their goals. I don't want to offend any professional bakers or other stay at home moms out there. I just worry that if you start at a baker and a homemaker, and you go down on the scale from there, where will you go?

Wednesday, in summary (really)

7 AM Wake up, no apple juice, milk or breakfast fixings in the house.
8 AM At Dunkin Donuts (2 days in a ROW!) Ms. Gail, the manager that is so sweet to us, gave me a free latte. If there was ever a way to get on my good side....
9 AM Target, to get apple juice and milk. Jonathan is very upset because he failed to put his shoes on for our outing. He tells me that he is so embarassed that I forgot to put his shoes on. I gave him a lecture about how we have to take responsibility for our own business. He told me that I am the adult and it was my job to get his shoes, he is just a little kid. I guess I can see both sides.
10AM Home, just barely. Am super, super hot, and can't believe that every year I forget just how hot it gets in the summer. E-mail, phone calls, and paperwork stuff for nursery.
11AM Lunch. The kids get naked and try to eat on the table. I am at a loss today. Of course, I make them get down and and put their clothes back on.
11-1 I make the sauce for tonight's dinner, pack half of it away in the freezer, and the other half in the fridge. We go to my Mom's to be with my stepdad because she has an appointment.
1:30-4PM At my Mom's. Read books, watch cartoons, eat chips and dip.
4-6 PM Back down Wickham. We work on moving Anna's toys into Bubba's room, taking the crib down and going through all the clothes and toys to give away or garage sale. With the air matress, changing table dresser, dresser drawers, toy tubs, crib, air mattress, tent full of stuffed animals, play kitchen and other storage containers, the room is feeling a little claustrophobic. So we are going to have one sleeping room and one playing room. Supposedly.
This is how I hope for the rest of the evening to go:
6-8 Dinner, baths, bedtime for kids.
8-10 Alone time, bedtime for the adults.

My Favorite Poem

Okay, last post of the day, I promise. I read A LOT of poems in college (English major), and for some reason, out of all the poems I had to read, this is the one I would say is my favorite. It runs through my head a lot. Like a song from the radio.

This Is Just To Say

William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Tuesday, in summary

I think my blog has three main themes: My kids are so cute and clever, I don't ever feel well, and here's why, and What I did today.
My kids are so cute and clever:
Today we made treasure boxes. Jonathan took his apart, stuck a balloon with curling ribbon attached inside, stuck the box on his head, and said, Look, I'm a light! He even pulled on the ribbon to turn himself off and on. The balloon was the lightbulb, the box was the lampshade. He even pretended to take the lampshade off and "burn" me with his hot light. The other funny thing he did today also involved light. I had made all of these cupcakes and I saw him near them and I was like Get away from those cupcakes!!! And he said, I am just checking them for Energon (a Transformers thing)! He was using this little blue flashlight and methodically scanning each one. I thought this was so creative!
Anna is in this big "Why?" stage. She was soaking in the bathtub and she was sort of just talking. She said, Oh, poor Bubba, he has die-die-re-a (he really does). He's sick. Why he sick, Mama?
To which I reply a safe, I don't know (I tried to make some sort of bug analogy to a virus last week and she got really confused and terrified), he just is.
Then she asked me, are you sick, Mama? And I said, why do you ask me that? And she said cuz you go to the doctor. Are you sick? I said, well sort of. She said will you be okay Mama? I tell her, Of course I'll be okay!
Once again, I am reminded of how I need to start filtering everything I say because I should always assume that my kids are much smarter and more aware than I give them credit for.
The way she phrases everything right now is just so cute!!! She just melts my heart. She is just so cute, and, well, clever.
I don't ever feel well, and here's why:
I went back to the doctor today. I think this is the 6th time I have been in 3 weeks? The good news is that my urine looks a lot better than it did last week, so I can avoid being referred to a urologist for now. I am still having the same pain I did last week, but the ultrasounds they did did not find anything very significant, other than some small cysts. I probably should go to the urologist but I am very scared of anything they might do. I really don't have any idea, but I am deathly afraid of any sort of catheter or anything like that. The other good news is that I tested negative for herpes (the sort of off the wall doctor tested me for that, even though I obviously had a bladder infection; he's the same one who ordered a chest xray 2 weeks ago even though my lungs sounded clear and I have not coughed once. I will not accept an appointment with him again.). My doctor sounded very proud of me, she said 90% of the population tests positive for type 1, and I did not have either type! Whoo-hoo! I had never really thought I had it, but I got all paranoid after the doctor ordered the test. The bad (not really bad) news is that my sinuses are a nasty mess again, and since I can't be on antibiotics and steroid packs for the rest of my life, I am going to get a CT scan of them on Friday to consider possible surgery. Anyways. So all of my other ailments are holding steady. My sleep is still crazy. My mother in law told me today that "this is what happens when you start going to the doctor all the time. They just order all of those tests!" Okay, I went to the doctor because I have had unrelenting headaches almost every single day since August. She then discovered I had a really infected sinus on the same side I get my headaches on, and put me on meds. A week later, I was sicker and running a fever, they did a chest x-ray and discovered I did have bronchitis, and also that I had a bladder infection. A week later, I was still running a fever. Back to the doctor, and yes, I still had a bladder infection, and now I have blood and white blood cells in my pee.
So I am not just running off to the doctor everytime I get a hangnail or sneeze or something! She honestly thinks that I schedule appointments, the doctors order tests to pacify me and then I create ailments to go along with the tests they order. So enough about that! I really need to get my sleep straightened out before I go visit her. For obvious reasons.
What I did today:
I got up and made 100 mini strawberry cupcakes with white frosting and blue and purple sugar sprinkles on top. I took my kids to lunch at Dunkin Donuts, where I ordered our usual. It's our favorite place. They were super calm and quiet while we were there.
I went to the doctor, taking both of my kids along because I could not get anyone to watch them. They were so loud and wild that the doctor asked me if I gave them caffiene. Then I had to take them into the bathroom with me while they both laughed hysterically and made fun of me because I had to pee in a cup. They thought this was the most humorous thing ever. I told them that sometimes people have to put their poop in a cup so the doctors can look at it. I thought Jonathan was going to pee his pants he was laughing so hard. Then I went to Sam's Club to go swimsuit shopping. I bought a swimsuit and a coverup without trying them on in and was back out in the parking lot in under 20 minutes. They both fit and I really like them a lot. Sam's it great because you can get a name brand suit for 20 bucks. Anyways, then we rushed to my Mom's house for Justine's end of the year swim party. I cut up all of the fruit, and made dip for it, made pigs in a blanket and chicken fries, a chip and dip platter, cut a watermelon into wedges, and then brought out my cupcakes. Every 20 minutes or so I would bring out something different, and announce it to them. They would all scramble out of the pool and eat it like a bunch of dogs. I went out there and every single cupcake was gone, watermelon rinds were scattered like bones. It was so funny. They used their water balloons to give themselves fake boobs, and then they started putting about five or six in their suits so they would look pregnant. I had asked my tutoring student Jacob, a 13 year old boy, to come and help me out with the party, and I think it was pretty awful for him to sit through this whole ordeal. Then I left, took Jacob home, and met Dave and the kids to try out the new Chinese place, Panda Express, which was okay, but it is no Lucky Garden. Dave went to practice, I came home with the kids, we put together and decorated their treasure boxes, I gave them baths, cleaned the house, made them snacks, and have been sitting here blogging and waiting for Dave to come home from band practice. This was a terrible summary of my day. This was the opposite of summary. But it was a pretty decent day, all in all.

My teeth are wiggling!

Jonathan and I were swimming in a very chilly pool, and he said, Look Mama! My teeth are wiggling. I was like, what! You can't have loose teeth yet??? And he says, No, Look, they are wiggling! His teeth were chattering really bad, because he was so cold. It was so cute, his eyes were all full of wonder. I think he was so delighted that his teeth were doing something all on their own.

A couple of days ago we were in the pool and Jonathan had water go up his nose and started sneezing all this nasty gunk out. He said, Yep, that water will clear your sinuses right out.
I assume he picked this up from someone, maybe my Mom?

We went inside and I was chatting with a friend (so I have a witness to this) and drinking a Diet Mt. Dew (which is a terrible thing for anyone to drink; just one of the many things Lara has gotten me into: Facebook, tattoos, cheese sauce on hashbrowns...). Anna came up and was begging me for some of my so-so (soda). I said No! She looks up at me and said, It not have caffiene in it, Mama. She said it so clearly! I did not know she even knew about caffiene. Of course, this was completely the wrong argument, since Diet Mt. Dew is definitely caffienated.

We are trying to start the potty training process with Anna, and she requested Princess Belle pull-ups (which I found, even though they also have all of those other princesses on them, inferior ones in Anna's eyes, like Cinderella and Ariel) and a Princess Potty. I told her they don't make those, and she thought for a minute, and said, just get some princess stick-sticks (stickers) and put on there. That was pretty smart! So I went and got her this little pink cushy potty at Wal-Mart, but I forgot the stickers. She remembered it, but agreed that she could cope until I could get back to the store. She finally worked up the nerve to sit down (seriously, the thing is only about 6 inches off the ground) and try it out, and she was clutching the sides so hard. She looked up at me with enormous eyes, and said, I can fall in this pot-pot, Mama? I had never even considered that she might be nervous about this. I thought that she just did not want to sit on the potty because she was being stubborn. So far, she says, I have to pee! She runs in there and sits for a few minutes, says Not yet. And then she goes and stands up and pees in her Pull-Up. So I have switched her back to diapers. They are much cheaper.