What Not To Do

What Not To Do With a Waterpik:
Do not turn on full speed and aim it at your tonsils. Bleeding and injury will result.

This is what the box should say in huge letters. Of course, maybe they assume the average Waterpik user is smart enough to know better. I sent Dave out to get one today in an attempt to get all the nasty stuff that's growing in my tonsils off. Why is there nasty stuff growing on my tonsils? I don't know what it's called, but it happens whenever I get really sick or even when I am just trying to fight something off. I seem to have some vague memory of my brother Jason having this problem and someone (in my memory, it was his doctor, but now I think I must've made this up) told him to get a Waterpik and simply wash the white stuff away. I now wish that I had called him to ask him, did this really happen, and if you tried this, did it work?
Well. Let me just tell you, first of all, that I could not seem to grasp the most basic rule of Waterpik use: First, put the thing in your mouth, THEN turn it on. The bathroom was drenched with water. Water all over the mirrors, the floor, the walls, the counters (I felt like I was dealing with a super powerful firehose or something!) How could such a tiny, concentrated stream of water make such a mess? Anyways, my throat was a little sore but getting better when Dave brought the Waterpik home, but now it hurts like the dickens (to quote my Aunt Vernie). I did not actually mean to turn it on full force, but what I failed to anticipate was that squirting water down the back of your throat makes you gag and choke. It must be some sort of survivial instinct we have or something. Um, duh? So in my frantic attempt to make it stop (which you would think that I would have just taken it out of my mouth at this point and let it spray all over the already soaked bathroom) I turned it up all the way! As a result, my throat was bleeding and I was spitting blood everywhere.
All I know, is that our seventh anniversary is coming up on Monday, and things had better start getting sexier around here. Between the green puss coming out of eyes (Anna), kids puking on the floor, me puking (not on the floor, thankfully!), my throat bleeding from my attempts to pressure clean the white nastiness (which will remain unnamed [since I don't really know what to call it] but I imagine could also be loosely referred to as puss) away, this house is just not an atmosphere conducive to romance! I hope things are better by then.
I think this is the last time I will ever use a Waterpik for any thing off label. I have a healthy amount of respect and fear for it now.

Happy Seven Years! Seven Happy Years!

Dave and Jamie. October 31, 2008 (Halloween, which explains my cat face.)

May 2008 at my brother Cory's wedding to Erin. I've blogged about this before, but this was the first time we ever danced together! It took us long enough, right?

April 2007. A very fun night out with the Morgans. Delicious dinner!



Jonathan holding Anna in his lap. He was 2 and a half and she was about 5 months old. May 2006.

Jonathan and Anna giving each other a hug in the pool. Summer of 2006.

Thanksgiving Weekend, 2005. Jonathan got up on Dave's shoulders to put the star on top of the tree. Jonathan was two years old, and we were expecting Anna in a little less than a month when this picture was taken.

Jonathan and me on my birthday in 2004. He was 8 months old and this was also Dave's first Father's Day! Sometimes my bday falls on Father's Day. See the suitcase in the background? I had just flown back with Jonathan (his first plane trip) to visit the Morgans in NC.

Dave with our firstborn, Jonathan, reading the instructions for the drill he got for Christmas 2003. Jonathan's only about 10 weeks old in this picture. He was the sweetest little newborn ever. Sigh. That loveseat he's sitting on? The first piece of furniture we bought together. Of course, it was from Rooms to Go, so it barely outlived the terms of its financing before it fell apart. I think that making a Rooms to Go purchase is a mistake every young couple should make. It's an incomparable experience!

Our first (cat) baby! Our first apartment together, down in the 'hood. We adopted Sabrina from the shelter February 2002. This, and the subsequent adoption of our other black kitty, Sprite, was all my fault and I take full responsibility for it. Did you hear that, honey? All my fault. Check out those cool black kitty cat cutouts over our laundry room door. One of my favorite customers at the pharmacy I used to work made those for me, before we ever got the two black cats. Was that like the power of suggestion, or what? He was the grumpiest little old man ever.

This was technically taken in 2002, at our Kentucky wedding in May. But we really got married in November 2001. It's a long story, and most of you have heard it eight times. What it boils down to is that I wanted to milk the anniversary thing for all its worth! Two per year! I just can't find the first wedding pictures right now. I always wanted to get married in a little white country church. I lucked out when I found the perfect guy who just happened to belong to a little white country church. It was a beautiful, simple wedding. Weddings don't have to be so complicated and difficult, and neither do marriages.

Our seventh anniversary of marriage is Monday, November 3rd, 2008. I went back through all of our seven years of pictures together and just clicked on random folders, trying to find pictures that captured moments and memories of our life together, whether they were special memories or everyday things. And what I discovered as I paged through all these files, trying to find just one shot to represent each year, was that we have had such a beautiful life together, with one sweet day after another. So many happy days. It was hard to choose because there have been so many great pictures, so many good memories. What a blessed marriage we have had! Two great kids and a peaceful house. A deep friendship and commitment to each other and to our future. Even the bad times are starting to get a little fuzzy around the edges (kind of like labor pains), and I am starting to see how they fit into the entire picture of our marriage. Like I'll think of a time we went through a trial, when everything seemed to be falling apart, but then we came out through the other side, still holding hands and holding onto each other. All of the bad times (and really, the good has far outweighed the bad) have made me realize and appreciate Dave's character and his heart all the more. I know when I hear people say they are more in love now than they were when they first met, I smile but I am groaning inwardly.

But I am going to say that now, because it's the truth. How could I not be more in love with Dave after spending these seven years together? I know so much more about him now, and we have figured out so much together. We were technically adults when we got married but I feel like we have done so much growing up together. I've learned so much about how to be a wife and mother and he's learned so much about how to be a husband and father. We've sort of been making it up as we go along, but I think we are doing alright. It's been an adventure and I really can't wait to see what the next seven years will hold for us. I know there will be a lot of good and surely some bad also.

But I know I am blessed every single day, good or bad, rain or shine, that I wake up and get to be Dave's wife. I think that's the attitude I should strive towards everyday. To wake up and thank God that I get to be with this person, for the gift of a good marriage. Being someone's husband or wife is a privilege and an opportunity, not a burden or an obligation.
It's been a wonderful seven years!

Thursday

Dave had to take the day off today because I had to go to bed yesterday afternoon. High fever, chills, body aches, vomiting and diarrhea, sore throat and dizziness. I am up this morning feeling slightly better, although I still have the high fever. I am very hungry, which is probably a good sign and not quite as dizzy! I hope I am better, and Dave and Jonathan are not sick by tomorrow night, because I really wanted to take the kids trick or treating and we were supposed to go over to my Mom's and cook dinner and eat together.
So! At least Anna seems better today. Her eyes both look good. And she does not have a fever anymore. She seemed back to her spunky self this morning. So hopefully... everything will get back to normal soon. I am really hoping that we have contained the eye infection to just Anna. But it can take up to a week to develop, so we may be looking at weeks of gooey eye!
Oh, some good news: Samsung is going to deliver our new TV shortly! We bought the TV for last Christmas. It had some major problems in the early spring and they basically had to replace all the electronics (I don't know what I am talking about, but I think that's what happened). I think at that point they had spent so much money paying the repair shop, they should have just given us a new TV then.
So then the TV was relatively okay, but during TS Fay, it developed a new glitch: turning itself off spontaneously! So Samsung had the TV repair shop come and take it away. It's been at the shop since August! They kept ordering the part, then the part would be on backorder, back and forth, back and forth. We figured they were just letting the time pass until the warranty expires. But then we got a call that they had declared it unfixable! We are going to get a newer, bigger, nicer, MORE EXPENSIVE TV since they stopped making our old lemon of a TV. Hopefully, this will be the end of our over a year-long TV saga. It all started back when we dropped our old Sony screen down on the floor when we were doing our laminate flooring in the living room. The TV still worked, but it had purplish-green discoloration at the top two corners. Luckily, we did not throw it out because we've plugged it back in and have been using it the last month or so.

Wednesday

Well, Grandma Jane was right: that air matress is frickin' freezing! I guess I just thought she was being Grandma Jane when she had to move out to the couch during her last visit. I thought to myself, why don't you eat something and you won't be so cold! (I love my mil, just general fat girl cattiness coming out there). But no, I am quite well insulated myself, and I could barely make it through the night last night. Granted, I am running a fever (apparently my lack of motivation and general grumpiness yesterday was due to this), but I literally could not get warm, no matter how many blankets, sweaters, etc. . I was wearing a shirt and a sweater and flannel pants and a pashmina, for goodness sakes! I woke up this morning feeling awful with a fever and body aches and chills and a bad sore throat and a cough. I am so glad I got a flu shot on Friday! That was 15 bucks well spent! But it was Fall Fun day at Jonathan's school, so I dragged us all up and out into the chilly! weather. Then Anna and I came back and snoozed on the couch the whole morning. I am so grateful for all the political calls (now that's something I never thought I'd say!) that kept waking me up because I probably would not have been awake to leave and get Jonathan.
Speaking of politcal calls, people have been waiting for HOURS in line here to vote early. I am going to go on Tuesday. Hopefully our precinct will be moved out of the HoJo and back into the retirement trailer park (they were flooded from TS Fay). I wonder if we will have to wait in a long line? I hope I am better by then. But if my stepdad can wait in a line for 2 hours in the shape he's in, then I certainly will wait in whatever line I have to.

Tuesday is the day...

Tuesday is the day that I worked all day long to put away the same piles of laundry, shoes, books, and toys but have managed to make absolutely no difference.
Tuesday is the day that I woke up determined to start yet again on my diet, but have eaten so many mini bars of chocolate. Three Musketeers. Snickers. Milky Ways. Then I ate a large fry from McDonalds for lunch. I actually had to wash my face afterwards because it was so greasy. I feel so gross. I really actually wish I had eaten the healthy salad and fruit lunch that I had planned. It sounds so much better than all that chocolate and fries.
Tuesday is the day that I have gone from task to task, and have not completed any single task. I start to clean the bathroom, and then I get distracted by that pile of toys in the hallway. I am trying to put up a load of laundry, but then I start clearing out my closet for an upcoming garage sale. I can't seem to focus. I think I'll blame this chilly weather. Or my lack of sleep last night.
Tuesday is the day that I was thinking about the possiblity of going back to work next year, maybe just part time. Right as I was thinking about this, Jonathan said, I wish Daddy were the one that was here all the time and you were the one that went to work all the days. Because Daddy knows how to play my Gameboy and get me on the flying game and you don't.
Well, thank you very much Jonathan! If there was any way that I could make anything comparable to Dave is salary or benefits we might just have to try that!
Tuesday is the day that Anna made me crack up when she came up to me and said:
Why did someone have to take a picture of my butt?
(I guess she thought the rectal thermometer was a mini camera!)

Anna's Pink (Black) Eye

I was just saying to someone last week how amazing it was that in five years of parenthood, we have not made one trip to the ER. Well! Bite my tongue, because that's where we wound up yesterday evening. The doctor called in drops for Anna's pink eye and I figured, OK, this is an inconvenience (my entire calender for the week was erased) and a discomfort for Anna Banana but nothing we can't handle. By 4:15 I was calling the doctor's office and explaining to the nurse that I was feeling VERY uncomfortable. Anna had a fever and her eye was bruising underneath and swelling, and she was having bloody tears and mucous. So me saying that I was feeling very uncomfortable really meant that I was in a total state of inward panic and trying to act like a Mama who had it all under control. I really wanted to shriek THERE IS BLOOD COMING OUT OF MY CHILD'S EYE!!!! But instead I was all like, yes, I can hold, thank you. So the nurse spoke to the doctor and he said we needed to take her to the ER right away. Normally he is is so chill about everything, like Dave was doing an imitation of him last night, saying, Oh, that limb'll reattach itself in a couple of days, no need to worry.

So I called my Mom and she managed to beat us to the emergency room. She took Jonathan with her so he did not have to be exposed to the germs and the total Jerry Springer atmosphere (there was a belligerent patient waving a bedpan all over the place, cussing up a storm, trailing her hospital blanket behind her down the hall). The triage nurse who was checking us in had absolutely no reaction and just said in a very mild and bored tone, they're coming to arrest her. Like it was completely commonplace. I should have tranquilized myself before I went there. I absolutely avoid emergency room waiting rooms at all costs. Anna had to use the bathroom while we were there and I practically had her in tears because I was like, listen, Mama is just going to hold you, suspended in mid-air above this potty, and you are just going to pee in the general direction of it, ok?

I brought two hand spray sanitizers with me and an entire bag of alcohol wipes, and I was using them quite freely. I am sure the other people in the waiting room were like, whatever, neurotic freak lady, you're the one here with the kid with the green puss coming out of her grotesquely swollen eye, and you're worried about OUR germs?

Anyways, after MUCH trauma and grief (they don't have ear thermometers for kids (SERIOUSLY?), so poor Anna had to have her thermometer taken rectally. Although, I think she was far more put out with the ugly white bracelet they had her wear. It was so NOT princess.) we left the ER with a diagnosis of: pink eye. We were seen by a physician's assistant who I swear was younger than me. She put some dye in Anna's eye and looked at it with a UV light to see if she had any eye trauma. I was trying not to freak out because the bed sheet was dirty and none of us would sit on it, but she just came in and threw all of the equipment she would need to dye and examine Anna's eye on the bed (um, I know I was sort of in a hyper state of germ phobia, but I just don't think a dirty bed qualifies as a sterile field). And since Anna was screaming the entire time, I am pretty sure the PA did not even get a passing glance at her cornea since her eyes were shut. Unless the light was not only UV but X-ray. The dye and light did make her eye goo and crusties surrounding her closed eye a very electric green and that was kind of cool, but seriously, I really did not feel reassured at all. My mother-in-law was saying not to take her to the ER but to take her to the eye doctor, which may have sounded like a good idea, but how was I supposed to get her in to an eye doctor at 5:00 PM?

So we brought her back home, and I stayed in her room with the light on all night and woke up every half hour or so to make sure she was okay. I don't know, when I was putting her to bed last night, it was like her whole face was swollen, and it just seemed like bloody tears were something to be just a little concerned about. But her fever seems to be well under control and she is playing and eating and drinking Vitamin Water right now. Her eye does look better than it did yesterday. I had to call her Daddy to come home and help me with the eyedrops this morning, which was a little humiliating. I tried for 15 minutes by myself. We both wound up down on the kitchen floor, crying and sweating. She is very strong and fights like a cat. I could get her held down and held still using my entire body, but then there was no way I could pry her eyes open and squeeze the dropper. Somedays I think God should've given Mamas three or four arms. I did not resort to violence and restraint right away. First I used a soothing voice and tried to reason with her, told her she could stand up, just look up at the moon, and then when we were all done, she could pick out some candy from her Halloween bucket! But no, she was furious and adamantly against those drops. At least when she has fits about us brushing her teeth, she screams with her mouth wide open. When she has the same fit about us putting the drops in, she screams with her mouth wide open and her eyes shut tight.

Top Ten Things That Stink About Today

1.) I woke up at 2 in the morning and was unable to go back to sleep. But I did watch some very enjoyable season six episodes of Friends.
2.) I sat through two green lights in a daze and was rewarded with some very agressive honking fits which always makes me freak out and almost go through the now red lights.
3.) My house, especially my kitchen and my laundry, is out of control.
4.) I burnt the roof of my mouth on some stupid microwave pizza. Now my mouth hurts and the pizza made me feel sick. If I had burnt my mouth on some excellent pizza, it might have been worth it.
5.) I went to walk my Mom's dogs and neglected to take my phone with me. Which everyone who knows me knows I am addicted to my cellphone and I get very nervous and obsessive without it. Of course, the preschool called, and Anna has a raging case of pink eye, which I swear! materialized after I dropped her off at 9 AM. I really hope they believe me, I know how contagious it is and I would never send her to school with it. I also feel bad that I was unavailable and that my husband was unavailable (in a meeting and did not recognize the phone number). They had her in quarantine when I picked her up (not really, she was just playing with some toys behind the front desk). Her eye is so nasty that Jonathan got in the car and immediately said, Why does Anna have a green eye? Now he keeps calling it Anna's black eye and we keep telling him that it is called pink eye. But they both tell us, no, it's green! (Accurate!)
6.) Our pumpkins are rotted and disgusting and I swear you can smell them on the porch from the end of the driveway. What did they make it, three days? At least the experience was a memory and the pumpkin seeds were yummy.
7.) One of the darling babies droppped a toy on my finger yesterday at church (his name starts with a G and he's one of my favorites!) and I thought it hurt a lot but I just tried to act like I was not about to cry. I felt like a wimp having the babies beating me up in front of the other nursery volunteer. But now my finger is all bruised and swollen and red and it still really hurts. There is a little cut on my finger where the toy struck it. On my other hand, my middle finger is infected from my compulsive nail biting this weekend (I got so out of control I had to take Advil because it was waking me up in the middle of the night). I am trying to soak it in Epsom salt but I am afraid I am going to need an antibiotic.
8.) I have lost a library book and am going to have to just go pay for it. It some kiddo book about rainbows? I asked Anna if she had seen the other book we were missing, Mr. Sneeze, and she said, Oh, yes, and went and showed me it was behind Jon's bed. She is always keeping track of everything.
9.) Jonathan got in the car and started crying his eyes out because he had a bad day at school. One of his friends really hurt his feelings. He came home and just shut himself in his room and cried. I kept thinking he must be sick, and I kept asking him what was wrong, did his head hurt, and he finally said, I'm not sick, Mama! Nothing hurts, I'm just sad!
10.) We now have to go and wrestle Anna down and put eye drops in her eyes. She fights like a cat about stuff like this and is freakishly strong for her size. One good thing is that Dave came home to rescue me. And to help me out with everything from things 1-9.

Fall Festival

Jonathan and Anna with their balloon dinosaur and sword.

David and I on the hayride.

Darth Vader crying in his carseat, with generic Princess Girl looking on (not Belle, but hey, I'm not bitter or anything!)

Anna doing her best princess.

Last night we went to the Fall Festival at Eau Gallie Baptist. I was so excited about Anna and Jonathan's costumes this year. I found Anna a beautiful Belle costume, who is her most favorite princess ever. Belle is also my favorite princess, so I am really glad that Anna and I agree on this. I really could not stand it if she loved Snow White, who is just super annoying and has old lady hair. I also think Belle has the most substance of any princess, and I think the love story between her and Beast is the best Disney love story. Anyways! I found Jonathan a super cool Darth Vader costume. It was really detailed and awesome, and both costumes were great finds (meaning that their original cost was far more than I would ever pay for a costume, or any single item of clothing for the kids, really). Well.

We had our friends meet us at the house, so they got to witness our two darling children have total Halloween costume meltdowns. I am still unsure about what exactly it was that set them both off, but we got some cute pics and video of it (cute as in I am so embarassed by how my kids are acting but I can also see the humor in a stompy monkey-like little Belle and a Darth Vader who is bawling his eyes out. Princesses aren't supposed to try and tear their dresses off with their bare hands. Darth Vader would not show such weakness and emotion!).

We had some last minute wardrobe changes (I ran inside and found Jonathan's Optimus Prime costume from last year and put it on by the car and we switched Anna to a regular dress which said "Princess" on the front), made it to the Festival in time and had a very nice evening. I hope our friends, who have the most WELL-BEHAVED children EVER, will still want to hang out with us after they saw how our kids acted.

Poppa Ed

A lot of you know that my stepdad has been sick lately and have been praying for him. I really appreciate that. Just an update: yesterday he went to his oncologist and was told he now has cancer in his lungs and his bones and that they recommend that hospice is started soon. This is devastating news for us. It's like they are saying it's the end of the road, and there's no more hope. I am incredibly saddened. He is very special to my kids and has been wonderful to them every day of their lives. He was the first one to hold my son Jonathan. He was in the hallway at the hospital when both of my kids were born and has always been so welcoming to them. They see him almost every day. He is always happy to see them and loves to spend time with them both. He always has time and energy for them. He has taught Jonathan so much about tools and fixing stuff. He loves to read to Anna and do puzzles with them both. My Mom and him love each other very much and have a special friendship and I am just very sad for her. And I am very sad for me because I love Ed and he has become very important to me, and a big part of my everyday life, in ways that I did not expect him to be.
One thing I do know, is that he is tenacious and tough and made of some special stuff, and that he may fight longer than the doctors may expect him to. He has already survived so much and has a stronger will than anyone I have ever known... So goodbye may be farther away than the doctors say. I don't know. I do know that I am grateful to have known him and I will be grateful for every day we have with him.

Some Good Messy Fun

Tonight we carved our pumpkins! I am so proud of my husband. You know, Dave? He did a fantastic job carving a cat in the window scene onto the pumpkin. What I am really proud of is not his artistic work (although it is really good) but that he actually stuck his hands into the stringy pumpkin pulp and got involved! Normally he almost has a mini anxiety attack just being in the proximity of a pumpkin carving. It's something he suffers through because I have a sentimental attachment to this tradition.
Anna and him sat side by side (I actually let her use one of the little mini saws that comes with the pumpkin kit: bad mommy moment) and she worked on her kitty cat face pumpkin, and he completed his masterpiece. At one point, she even took her lollipop and laid it on his jeans while they were working. Normally, stickiness freaks him out! I love him but he can be one persnickety fellow! He did not even move the lollipop but just left it laying there in the midst of all the pumpkin goo that was plastered all over his pants and all over the ground. My Mom's shi- tzus, Biscuit and Mutton, and our two cats, Sabrina and Sprite, even got in on the action. So there was pet hair sticking to the pumpkin mess and and pumpkin mess sticking in the pet hair. My hands were on fire from being in contact with the pumpkin guts (does anyone remember back in May when I got the burnt face from getting a pumpkin peel facial... wish I had thought about this!)
Jonathan and I got bored so we took the dogs on a walk. He attached Mutton to his handlebars and was laughing and saying, I didn't know Mutton was a sled dog! We came back around and the pumpkins were complete and everyone was NASTY!
First Jonathan and Anna got a bath, and then I gave Mutton and Biscuit a bath. Then I took a bath and Anna came in and used her teapot to pour water all over me and she dumped half a bottle of Winnie the Pooh baby shampoo in my hair. I did not realize until after I got out how much shampoo was in my hair. It's gonna look goooood tomorrow! I was talking to my Mom on the phone and was completely distracted (I am really bad at inappropriate multi-tasking. I talk on the phone while I am on the potty (especially to Lara, so sorry!), in the bathtub, I text sometimes while driving {this is so bad that an entire Dr. Phil episode was devoted to it tonight}...)
Anyways, after my two year old bathed me (wierd!) then I got out and we pulled our pumpkin seeds out of the oven. Before we had put them in, Jonathan walked by and said, Alright, when are we going to burn these things? He is so funny. Clearly, we want to cook them, not burn them. This is not a distinction he feels is important yet. Anna tried the pumpkin seeds (olive oil and sea salt, really delish!) and gave me her big, delighted, crinkly-nosed smile and said, They chew like popcorns, Mama! And I thought, Wow, she's right! I never realized what a simliar taste there is between pumpkin seeds and popcorn. I love how there are so many things the kids have never experienced yet. This was her first time ever having pumpkin seeds. I think this is one of the coolest aspects of parenting, being able to witness all of this brand new experience!

Beautiful

Jonathan

My stepdad Ed is really sick. How sick is really sick, I don't know. He's in the hospital with pnemonia.
We stayed at my Mom's house for a couple days to look after their dogs but I decided to pack them up and take them down to our house. I was driving down Wickham Road and I saw Jonathan in the rearview mirror, rubbing Mutton's silky ears. I heard Jonathan say to Mutton, in the kindest little voice, "I'm worried about your grandpa too, Mutton. I understand. I'm sad too."

Perspective

Today I pulled up to car loop early at preschool. I was so happy to be able to just sit in the line of cars (OK, minivans! big honkin' SUVS!) and watch my two kids play on the playground. Watching how they act and play when they are away from me and unaware that I can see them gave me a different perspective on them both. It took me a while to spot Anna because she has grown so much lately. I did not realize it was her sitting on a little seesaw with another girl. She looked too tall and grownup to be my little girl. The girl opposite her had just gotten her feelings hurt (probably someone said they didn't want to be her friend anymore) and Anna reached out and was very tenderly brushing her friend's hair off of her face and patting her face and talking to her with such sweet concern on her face. It made me cry to see my baby so capable of compassion, of showing care to someone else. I recognized myself in Anna's actions. That's how I treat her and tend to her when she's sad. I brush her hair back in the same way. She looked just like me. I sat in the car and cried to myself because I was just so proud at that moment. With everything I do wrong, I must be doing something right.
And I also thought how stupid I am. How could I have let myself get so off course yesterday (refer to the blog post "Of course...) after running into my ex, who is utterly insignificant and irrelevant to me? What is he compared to this life, this marriage I have built with Dave? Nothing but a bad memory and a waste of time. What is he next to these beautiful children I have created with Dave? Dave, who is incomparable and irreplacable? Dave who is the love of my life, who owns my entire heart. Dave who is the best and most true person I have ever known, who loves me with no agenda and no motive. Dave with the purest and most loyal heart of anyone I have ever known. Dave who is good to the very center, who pours his entire life and will and being into loving me and our kids. How could I have even written all of those stupid things yesterday? My ego was bruised because I ran into an ex and I was not looking my best. The way I reacted and what I wrote was I think very typical, but also very immature. And I am sorry.

Of Course...

Of course I run into my ex that I have not seen since 2001 when we broke up when I am sitting in McDonalds eating a Happy Meal
Of course my son has ketchup all over his face and assorted goo from preschool on his shirt his face his hands
Of course my daughter is wearing an entire 12 oz bottle of red gatorade on her shirt and her hair is a complete disaster
Of course I am wearing my fat girl denim shorts from Wal-Mart that are actually way too big for me but make me look two sizes wider than I really am
Of course I am wearing a raggy t-shirt and shoes that don't have anything to do with the rest of my attire because I am staying at my Mom's and had to piece an outfit together from her closet
Of course my non-matching shoes have a blood (poop?) stain on them (they aren't my shoes: can't identify the stain and have to assume the worst in this situation) and of course I am toting my huge silver purse which really has nothing to do with anything and is totally un-me
Of course I forgot to wear any makeup today (except for some lipstick which I put on my chapped lips hours before and is now clinging to all the dry bits of skin, illuminating them, saying look at me ! aren't I grungy and gross? and of course my nails are all bitten down and one is actually bleeding
Of course, because this is the most important detail of all, I did not brush my hair (or my teeth) today and I have my hair tied up in a frizzy ball high on my head
And...
Of course, of course! my ex looks gorgeous. (Dave don't ever run into your ex and then blog about her looking gorgeous, because I won't be able to take it. I know this is unfair but it's just how it is)
Of course he looks better than I left him, of course he has not aged one day and in fact looks more handsome than I ever remember him looking
Of course he has had lots of success and is happily married to a girl that is also very successful (which of course he mentions many times, or maybe that's just the way I heard it)
Of course when he asks me what I've been up to, my mind goes completely blank and I am able to do nothing but wave my hand in the general direction of my kids and mutter vaguely, you know, having kids.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Of course I am happily married and have never looked back at this ex with one ounce of regret. Of course I love my husband and my kids. Of course I am way happier than I would have ever been otherwise.
But what I would like to know, is why couldn't I have been just a little more attractively put together when I ran into him? Why does seven years go by, almost eight, without a single encounter! Why now??? Why today? Of course. Of course. Of course!
I have been trying to figure out why seeing him today bothered me so much. We had to just sit there for twenty minutes after he left because I did not trust myslef to drive. I hated having my past collide with my present, especially with my kids there because I am so ferociously protective of them. After he walked away, Jonathan asked me, who was that guy, Mama? Was he from church? And I felt like dirt, because I can't really say, no, honey, that's someone Mama used to shack up with before I met Daddy. I just said, oh, he's someone I used to know.
Honestly, I think one of the reasons he seemed so handsome today was because I had really forgotten what his face even looked like. I think I have always pictured him to be ugly these last years, because it was such a long and nasty split. It literally shocked me to see him walk into McD's today, nicely dressed and smiling pleasantly. I guess I sort of remember him as this deranged monster from all of our bad fights. And I forgot that he is not always that person, that we just sort of drove each other crazy. I am also feeling guilty. I feel bad that I thought he looked handsome, but is it really a suprise that someone I once fell into mad lust for would still still appear to be attactive to me today? It's not like I am fixated on him or anything. I have no pictures of him whatsoever. I so rarely think of him, considering that we lived together and I think (although the entire relationship was built upon deception, so I really can't say) we both thought we were headed for marriage. I know that I am completely loyal to Dave. I don't know why it made me feel so awful to see him today. I think maybe a small part of me is a little mad that he has turned out okay? Maybe I want him to have suffered rather than thrived without me in his life. Isn't that terrible? How arrogant of me to think that life would just stop without me around. Maybe I pictured him moping around, still mourning the loss of the most fabulous girl ever.
Or maybe it's just that wierd phenomenen where you freeze other people at the age or stage that you last knew them at, and while time is passing for you, you don't realize that it's passing for them. Like when you see someone you graduated with and it rattles you a little, because man, do they ever look old? And ironically, you probably look just as old to them, because they are having to readjust their memory of you with the actuality of you standing before them? Does anyone else know what I'm saying?

Sunday

Today was the nicest day. The weather right now is the nicest it ever gets in Florida. We woke up to a calm breeze, no humidity, the perfect temperature, blue skies and lots of sunshine. Church was great. I attended first service and worked second in the nursery. We had 13 kids! But luckily, we also had four workers, even though two volunteers could not show up. God worked it all out for us. And having 11 toddlers in a fairly small room went amazingly smooth and the rooms were both peaceful.
Then we got to go out with some friends (Dave's coworker from Harris, and his wife and 2 kids)for lunch (Harbor City Diner: More than just a diner!) and all 4 kids were very well behaved, and the adults could just socialize. Normally I just refuse to take the kids anywhere because we spend the whole meal trying to contain them and pacify them and we can't talk to each other or enjoy our food. My food was good, and I was pretty hungry since I forgot to eat breakfast (which is very odd, am I getting sick? I also did not want dinner tonight.) Then their family came back to our house and we had a nice long visit. I really enjoy their company so much. I want to adopt them. All four of them. It's a rare thing for me to find a friend I can just be myself with and be totally relaxed and just have fun. Normally I am always worried about what I said or did or how my house looked.... But I just feel at ease with them. I am really happy they started coming to our church so we can see more and more of them. And their kids! They are just the cutest and most well-behaved little ones ever! Seriously, this is one gorgeous family.
And Louise, the mommy counterpart of the group, gave me the best tip about this NYC lipstick she uses. It is really, really good lipstick. And get this: it's only 99 cents! It's not AVON. Whoops. But I have no standards when it comes to a good lipstick find. I wanted a deep red for fall, and this is the perfect one. I will probably almost never wear it (I'm more of a pink or mauve lipgloss kind of girl), so I am very happy it was only a buck.
Also, yesterday, my Mom gave me a little cash, and a great coupon and let me escape to Beall's. Normally, Dave never has to worry about me overspending on clothes. Because I can try on 42 things and walk out without one purchase. But not yesterday! I went a little bananas! I found a pair of dress pants, four shirts, a pair of REALLY cute high heels, and a pretty beaded necklace. Then Dave and I had a date night. So the weekend started out to be kind of a bummer, and then it got better. Now we just have to put the kids to bed and the whole week can start all over again. Jonathan's in school 5 mornings a week and it is just causing time to fly by. I can't believe it's almost Halloween, and then our anniversary, and then Thanksgiving, and then Anna's birthday, and then Christmas, and then it will be 2009. Can you believe how close we are to the year 2010? Doesn't that sound wierd to anyone else?

Feeling Fed Up

I am sick of apologizing, or feeling like I should apologize, for the following:


1.) My tendency to finish other people's sentences. I don't mean to be rude, I am always just really focused on what others are saying and I am trying to anticipate their thoughts or feelings. I am sure it is annoying, but I can't seem to stop it.


2.) The way I apologize too much, for every little thing I do or say. Someone could stomp on my foot and I would be all, Oh, excuse me, I'm so sorry, pardon ME.


I'm sorry I'm sorry. But I am tired of being sorry that I am sorry.


3.) My weight. I am sick of feeling apologetic about how much space I do or I don't take up in the world. I have tried for the past 18 years or so to find some magic link between the number on the scale and the amount of happiness or success in my life and I don't think it exists.


I am sick of feeling apologetic that my butt looks fat or my fat roll might be making teenage boys at the beach queasy. I feel like saying, Hey, I looked like your girlfriend once too. Even if I weren't a good thiry pounds overweight, I have still had two babies and my body shows it. If my appearance bothers others, than they should just look away.


4.) That I never quite have it all together. I am always a little unfinished, a little rough, a little unpolished, a little late, a little scattered.... My hair is never perfect, my makeup's always a little messy, I'll never be able to remember to coordinate my jewelry or my shoes or my purse. I am just always a little undone.


5.) For my children and their behavior. Hey, they are CHILDREN. They are not adults. They have fits, they cry, they are annoying at times. They annoy the crud out of me about 70% of the time.


They don't handle being tired or hungry very well. They have their own moods and their own wills, and while I am responsible for their overall well-being, I can not CONTROL EVERY LITTLE THING they may do or say. They are unpredictable. They are just kids. I can discipline them when they misbehave, but I am tired of feeling apologetic for them simply being kids.


6.) My tendency towards messiness. I am tired of feeling guilty if someone drops in and my house is a wreck. Why do I apologize? It's MY house. They are in MY space. If someone wants to be in a palace of neat, then they should go somewhere else.


7.) My cooking, whether it is good or bad. If I made you food, you should be grateful and just shut up and eat it. I should not have to apologize. Even if I serve poop on a platter, it is impolite to criticize when someone is kind enough to make you a meal. Maybe that's just the way I grew up.


8.) My abnormally close relationship with my Mom. We are close. Somethings can't be broken apart. Call me codependent. I know I am. But I am not going to apologize for it.


Okay, I probably will. I will probably continue to say I am sorry and struggle against all of these things.


But I just wanted everyone to know that I am weary of feeling sorry. Ironically, I will probably apologize for this post later. I guess I was just thinking of all the things I don't like about myself, how insecure I am, how indecisive I can be, and how I am just so tired of feeling like I need to apologize for who I am. Pastor Jorge at our old church used to say, God don't make no junk. I need to just repeat that to myself over and over and over and over.


I love this quote by Dr. Suess:
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Week in Pictures

Jonathan at the beach!

Anna at the beach!

Dave wrote I Love LCB in the sand with seaweed (his nickname for me).

Dave and me.

Anna posing at the Pumpkin Patch. She was making her scary face but she's still cute as a button!

Anna posing as a scarecrow.

Jonathan at the pumpkin patch.

Jonathan at his Happy # 5 party at pre-k!

Anna and Jonathan at their school after Jonathan's Pre-K.

Jonathan at the Pumpkin Patch posing as Frankenstein.

Me and Anna at the preschool.

Jonathan's Happy # 5 Party

Spongebob Cake, Take 2!

What's with Anna's fake little smile? Is it just me or are we all starting to look alike?

Some of the guests.

Jonathan with Poppa Ed and Nona Donna. We had the party at their house. Sorry, can't figure out how to rotate pic.

Jonathan and me. Can't believe my baby boy is FIVE!!!! I'm so proud of him.

Me with poor, poor Spongebob. He took quite the beating. He's limbless and the kids were fighting over who got his arms and who got his legs.

My handsome boys with their homemade haircuts!

Anna taking some swings at Spongebob.

Justine, Camryn and Elijah eating lunch.



We had a very nice day. I had fun having the party with the Spongebob theme. I happen to be a fan of the Bob. (But I can tell you, at 1:30 in the morning last night while I was decorating that cake, I was calling him some mean words.) My Mom served a great lunch: ham, brisket, party potatoes, deviled eggs, fresh fruit salad, rolls, chocolate sheet cake and we also made chicken nuggets for the kids. We also had our family's first pinata, and I think it added a touch of fun violence and destruction to the party. I told Dave I want one at my 30th birthday party. We did not blindfold the kids (they were dangerous enough being able to see!). Jonathan got LEGOS, Bionicles, a robot dinosaur, a giant Hot Wheels Remote Control Motorcycle (from Uncle Jason), a Zingo board game (which is a great family game!!!) a Littlest Pet Shop (he can play online like Webkinz) and he also got a Nintendo DS and two games. He is loving all of his great presents and he had so much fun with his friends today. I want him to go to sleep so I can play with his DS.

Spongebob Squarepants

The plan was to serve a chocolate sheet cake and also make mini cupcakes for the kids. Somehow, it turned into a chocolate sheet cake and this Spongebob Squarepants cake for the kids. Even though I have zero cake decorating experience (I mean, I've FROSTED a cake before, but nothing like this) I decided it would be a good idea for me to make this cake for an audience of 30 people. Never one to be spontaneous, I made this cake on Thursday for a trial run. I think it turned out okay. It was definitely a learning process. For those of you out there that are big Spongbob haters (and for such a dumb yellow sponge, he can really get people fired up!) you will be pleased to know that not only will we be cutting up and eating him, we will also be smashing to bits a pinata that is identical to this cake.

Jonathan was very upset with the pink tongue. He said, Oh, Mama! My boyfriends are not going to like that pink! I told him that I was just following the directions, and that he should call them his friends that are boys. He just gave me a blank stare.

So, hopefully, my real Spongebob cake will be a success. I am hoping for better than this first one but also really praying that it won't be worse!

"Seven Days in a Week"

Jonathan learned this song at school:

Sunday Monday Clap Clap Clap

Tuesday Wednesday Snap Snap Snap

Thursday HOP!

Friday STOP!

Saturday Spin Around Like a Top

There are seven days in a week,

now sit down and take your seat!

Anna-kin

Jonathan made up a new nickname for Anna last night. He said, Hey, Anna, is it okay if I call you Annakin ? He was playing a Star Wars video game at the time. She said, Okay, but I'm gonna call you Bubbakin. So cute!

MUST THINK POSITIVELY!

Okay. I am really trying to think positively today! But it seems that it's not going to happen. Third night in a row of being up coughing. Just got up at 5:00 for the day (which, in Jamie time, is like, 2 in the morning). One good thing: I actually got to see my husband before he went to work! And another: I got my first Bible reading in for the New Testament Challenge. That was a good way to start the day. But then... I had a nail in my tire (I swear to you, this has happened, it seems like, twice a year for all seven years we have been married; Dave must think I seek the nails out and accelerate towards them.) Dave took my car there at seven when they opened to get it fixed. I was just supposed to take his car. But then he called, his badge for work was still in his car. But not to worry, he would just get a temporary one. Okay. So I've got two clean, well-dressed children, backpacks and lunchboxes packed, ready to go to preschool. We go outside, and there is trash EVERYWHERE. Racoons! I guess our deal to feed them catfood to keep them away from the trashcans has expired, and we need to re-negotiate with them. Or maybe they don't like the new brand of catfood? Hmmm. Anyways, I start stomping and huffing around, snatching up pieces of soggy garbage peppered with fireants, all the while trying to tell myself, Don't take this personally. This has nothing to do with you. The racoons did not mean to ruin your morning and make you late. Then I open the door to the car, and see that there are no carseats in Dave's car! He took them out to give some guys a ride to paintball. Okay. Cough all night, nail in tire, trash in yard, carseats gone. Trying to stay happy! Trying to be a calm, positive mother, who does NOT resort to whining and fit throwing when things don't go her way. But I am quickly unravelling, as are the kids. I call Dave to explain about the carseats. He says he is coming home. I stomp, stomp around. If my day as a mother had such a thing as deadlines, getting the kids to school on time would be the big one. If I can't do that, I've pretty much failed the whole day. Then I realize that there are two City of Melbourne employees who have been watching me the entire time. They are fixing a leak across the street. I think that they have been pretty amused by my antics. My stomping, sighing, picking up trash, herding the kids, slamming the car doors, using the cellphone, rolling my eyes self. I am sure I did look and sound pretty ridiculous. Then Dave comes screeching around the corner. We exchange cars. I get the kids to school on time! Yay me! And then I go get my hair done (highlights this time!) by Maura. You know, the Hair Whisperer? I was almost late picking the kids up (okay I was at least five minutes late, but I was not the last one there, so I guess they decided not to charge me the dollar per minute late fee!)
Now Anna is having a huge fit. I am very tired. But all things considered, this really has not been a bad day. My hair looks good! See, there you go, I am thinking positively!

Weekend Update

Friday: Went to Dr. Got antibiotic for sinus infection and laryngitis. Went to scrapbook night at my MOPs church. Got nothing accomplished but had fun. Home by 10 PM, both kids asleep (THANK YOU, Dave!) Then read a book, went to bed. Then stayed up all night (till 430 AM on couch coughing). Out of Delsym.
Saturday: Dave made us breakfast, went and got me some cough syrup, took Anna to her birthday party. Her first invite from preschool! He said she was very well-behaved and had lots of fun. Jonathan and I hung out at the house. He was upset that he could not go to the birthday party. It's not fair! he kept saying. I almost said Life isn't fair! but I bit my tongue because I promised myself I would not say that to MY kids (even though it is the truth!)Dave came home, took the kids out on several errands, oil change, car vacuum, grocery store, pool store... the park. I stayed home and read and took a nap. Then we went to McDs for dinner, and then took Ed a fish sandwich and visited with him and my Mom for awhile. Up all night coughing again, watched crazy infomercials again in an exhausted stupor. Fell asleep sitting up on couch and kept dreaming the informercials so not really sure when I ever slept.
Sunday: Woke up feeling (and looking) like a BEAST. Managed to pull myself together, really wanted to go to church. Great service, glad I went. Served in nursery, had lots of fun. Good Sunday. Dave left after first service, left Jonathan in Lil K, took Anna to Wal-Mart, brought me back a latte (since about to fall on my face). What would I do without him? Then he went to go paintballing with guys from church for Joe's b-day, he had so much fun! He has a lump on his head from getting hit. Not sure if that's what made it fun (boys are wierd). I took kids to BK for lunch. (shudder.) We met my brother and his family about 3:00 at the bowling alley. It was so cute to see all four cousins in their bowling shoes. Anna wanted to bowl, but I think the girl had to come at least 4 times to rescue her stalled ball (DEAD BALL ON LANE 13! they kept announcing.) She looked so INSANELY cute! Surely they did not mind! We were going to go to Jason's (Uncle JayJay and Aunt Nee-nee, as Anna calls them) for Chinese takeout, but Jonathan had the mother of all public meltdowns. I really don't know what it was about, something to do with the arcade. But he completely flipped out, worst fit EVER! Then we said, if you don't stop, we aren't going to Jason's. He didn't stop. So we didn't go. (Don't you hate it when you make a threat that you don't want to follow through on but then you have to?)
But then he started running around the parking lot, punching me, busting out of his seatbelt over and over again, he had completely lost his mind. I thought about spanking him but decided we had already attracted so much attention someone would probably call the police on me. I was certain he was going to make himself vomit masses of cherry coke and french fries all over the car on the way home. He was still crying about not getting to go a couple of hours later when I was tucking him in bed, but in a pitiful, sniffly way. So, bowling was fun, but not worth the utter humiliation that followed. I swear, he only ever has fits in front of my brother and his wife. Therefore, they have every reason to assume he is always in a state of fit and is a total brat. Which I know is not the truth. But after yesterday, I just don't know! Then Dave brought Chinese home. The kids chowed down happily. Lots of fits and conflicts and throwing things until bedtime. Completely defeated, think I am a horrible mother. But it's not like I can say, Hey, I've decided this job really isn't the right fit for me. I can't exactly put in my two weeks notice and walk away.

Friday

Okay, must blog! I've lost my voice (sick) and I have to get some words out or I am going to explode! I went to my new chiropractor today, Dr. Sara. She was very likable and I felt very comfortable with her right away. She asked me if I had tried any dietary changes/nutritional approaches to treating my fibromyalgia (apologies to all, what started as a cute family blog has sort of turned into my platform to complain). I told her no, but I was ready to try anything. I would drink monkey pee right now. I actually told her that. She was humored (or she thought I was crazy, but she acted humored). I would not really drink monkey pee straight, but I might consider it in a powdered form, inside a tablet, if I thought it might make me feel better. She told me to try an anti-inflammatory diet and told me the names of some specific things to take (not monkey pee, but omega-fatty acids, and b-vitamins, stuff like that Normal things I already own but never take). The diet involves a major cut of all things processed, all things sugar, all things white and most gluten type grains (like flour) and corn products). Lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Better sources of protein, less junk. I have not specifically looked up the website she gave me the name of, but it kind of sounds really... healthy and wholesome. I am sure I would probably lose weight on it, and maybe it would make me feel better. Just because eating better makes everybody feel better. Can I do it? I don't know. I do adore my high fructose corn syrup. But I am getting increasingly more open-minded. The only thing the rheumatologist has done for me in 6 months is prescribe meds that either don't work or make me feel worse because of their side effects.

15 Great Moments

Jonathan took his first steps at the Christmas Eve service! Here he is staggering around at my Mom's house afterwards! 14 months old. December 2004

Anna took her first steps at just over a year! Here she is at my Mom's (the second time we caught it on camera, wearing a fancy dress-up skirt! January 2007

August 2007. A perfect visit to the beach. Aunt Meredith was with us and we saw a whole bunch of dolphins. The kids had so much fun. Here I am giving Jonathan a big smooch (see how I had him in the headlock hug? That's how it's done!)

We were trying to get a Christmas card family photo. None of them made it on the card, needless to say! August 2007.

Here's Dave burping Jonathan after a feeding at the hospital. I love this picture. I remember I could not take my eyes off of him whenever he held Jonathan. I just could not believe how much I loved them both. October 2003.

Christmas Eve 2005. The first night home with Anna from the hospital. Jonathan asked to hold her and she just focused on him and I SWEAR she smiled! He asked to see her toes, so we took them out of her little gown and he was just so delighted with her.

September 2006. This was another perfect day at the beach. The reason I remember it so well was because it was one of the first times that Jonathan and Anna really started to play together. Jonathan was telling her something here and she was listening intently. Anna kept picking up sand and letting it fall through her fingers, completely mesmerized.

Me holding Anna shortly after I gave birth. It was the best experience and I was just completely smitten with her. December 2005.

August 2005. In New York, with my Dad, Jonathan, and Anna who was still in my tummy. JoAnne took the picture. This was one of the happiest afternoons of my life.

August 2005. In New York on JoAnne's porch. I loved the look on Jonathan's face! He was working so hard on that bubble gun! I have so many fond memories from this trip. Jonathan and I went to Kentucky first and then we flew to New York.

December 2005. Jonathan and me (hugely pregnant) The day before I went into the hospital to have Anna.

January 2005. At Grandma Jane's in Kentucky.

January 2005. At Grandma Jane (Dave's Mom) in Kentucky. Jonathan had tripped in the ice and Dave was hugging him.

March 2004. Jonathan had just learned to give kisses. Big, sloppy, wet, ones.

Jonathan, just born. October 2003.

Dave and I at our Kentucky wedding. May 2002.

Dave, May 2001. The first time I had cooked dinner for him (chicken parmesan) at his apartment, not long after we had met. What's going on with that hair?