You might be crazy if...

Your therapist gets a new car and it almost makes you have a meltdown.

Explanation:

Okay, so those of you who are in the know (you poor, poor people!) and those of you who have just sensed the crazy lately, are aware that I have been sort of teetering on the brink. On the brink of what, I am not exactly sure, but I don't think I want to find out. Last week things got really bad. I went to the rheumatologist (the Dr. who put me on the medicine to help with my pain and other fibro. symptoms) to discuss my "issues." I won't go into details, but let me just say that I have dealt with some pretty yucky emotional stuff in the past, and I have never felt the way I felt last week. The word I could best use to describe it would be desperate. My medication, or my condition, one of the two, (to be determined) was giving me some pretty wicked side effects, or symptoms. My feet and hands were going numb and tingling like crazy, I had feeling of electric shocks going through my head, my right side of my face was numb, when I drank water I felt like my face was being shocked. Have any of you ever stuck your tongue on a nine-volt battery? Like that, but all over my face and zapping through my brain. On top of this, my blood pressure was quite high and my pulse up, from anxiety, or just my old hypertension creeping back in to the picture? In addition, if I moved my head from one side or the other, I would feel like I was going to blackout. I had to be careful to turn my head very, very slowly. My vision was constantly being obstructed by all my spots and visual disturbances. My mind was racing all the time, I could not complete my sentences and I was having a problem getting my hands to type the correct letters on the keyboard. (Lara can vouch for this!) When I walked, the room seemed to be turning, or I was listing to one side. By Thursday night, I was pretty sure I was having mini-strokes or maybe a brain tumor or something.
So was I anxious from feeling bad, or feeling bad from being anxious? I don't know. But I can tell you that my life has been very happy and blessed lately. I have an amazing husband, kids who bring me unspeakable joy, I feel like I have been growing in my faith lately so much, and I have been feeling an unprecedented level of contentment with my life. So all of these symptoms were not accompanied by my normal thoughts and feelings of anxiety. None of this was making any sense to me at all. I had to think it might be the medicine (or maybe one of the many medicines I have swung on and off all year in an effort to manage my fibro?) Anyways, I went to the Dr. He listened to my complaints with only very mild concern. I mean come on, I think I either sound like a lunatic or someone who is about to keel over! Don't these symptoms sound a little alarming to anyone else? Is it just me?? He took my blood pressure, and then he cut my medicine in half, gave me some blood pressure medicine, and gave me some anxiety medicine to help me relax and go to sleep. So I left the appointment very relieved that he did not seem too worried, but also very puzzled about what the hey is going on with me. But I made it through the weekend with increasingly fewer brain zaps and face shocks, and I seem to be getting better with the typing and the finishing of thoughts. My blood pressure is being effectively lowered, which is good, so I'm not walking around with 170/110 all the time. Woo-hoo.
So, I said I was going to explain about the car! I had an appointment with my therapist this morning, and I was swinging my car into the parking spot, when I realized, with sudden panic that her car was not there! I was freaking out! Where could she BE? Doesn't she know I NEED HER? What could possibly be more IMPORTANT THAN ME??? My mind raced with all of the possible scenarios: her car's broken, so she had to hitch a ride with a co-worker, her pet is seriously ill and had to be rushed to the animal hospital (I have absolutely no idea if she has a pet), maybe she fell on the floor, clutching her heart, and I just missed the ambulance! Oh NO! Wait, that would not work, because her car would still be here. I go in to the waiting room, and try to act nonchalant when I check in with the receptionist, who says, Hi! Jamie, I'll let her know you're here! I could have wept. She's here! I REALLY need my therapist right now. How much so, I did not realize until this morning.
So when I see her and she's escorting me down the hall, do I act normal? No! I say, (almost accusingly) Where is your car??? And she says, in a calm voice that is well accustomed to dealing with all sort of crazy, Well, I traded it in for a new one. And so on and so forth.
At the end of our session, as she was walking me out, I said, Hey, next time you're gonna do something like that, give me some notice first! Fill me in if there's gonna be a big change like that! She just laughed. She thinks I have a wonderful sense of humor. I really wasn't completely kidding.
So, here's the reality check for me: although I may be thinking I feel better, I am still not completely okay right now, if something like my therapist's car being absent from the parking lot can send me into a tailspin. Why do I even know what kind of car she drives? Why do I have to check for it compulsively everytime I pull in? I have an appointment, of course I should expect she will be there.