Tuesday

Anna had her three year well visit this morning. We all went together. It was so wierd because it was the first time that I was completely unstressed by a dr's appointment. Normally my kids tend to get a little stir crazy in the tiny, hot exam rooms, and I start to get more and more neurotic and nervous about all the germs they are being exposed to with every second that passes! The kids want to touch the trashcan, and the doctor's stool, or they want to make "germ angels" on the floor of the doctor's office. I just leave there wanting to give us all a scrub in the shower and a gallon of orange juice to help fend off all the illnesses we might have picked up! But today was one of those days where I realized how grown up my kids are getting to be. All of the sudden, they act like civilized human beings more often than they act like wild little beasts. Of course, we still have our moments, but life with Jonathan and Anna seems to be getting easier and easier. Like yesterday morning, I was going through my normal get the kids ready and out the door routine, and I turned around, and Jonathan had gotten himself completely dressed. Socks, shoes, and everything. It was really wierd. And wonderful. I guess that's the point of motherhood, to work yourself out of a job. Anyways, the appointment this morning was very uneventful. No shots, no issues, no concerns, everything looks great. Phew! Our little Anna Banana has gone from being much smaller than average to being in the 50th percentile for height AND weight. She weighs 27 lbs, and is 3 feet, 1 inch tall! She used to be really shrimpy for her age and she has really caught up and done a lot of growing lately. I mean, the child eats mounds of parmesan cheese and spoonfuls of butter every night at the dinner table. She certainly consumes enough fat! Jonathan hopped on the scale, and was asking lots of questions about how it worked, like why did it keep going up and down? He is always thinking about everything! He weighs 50 pounds with his shoes on! My goodness! I was a little shocked! I even asked the dr., um do you think that's an okay weight for him? And he was like, oh, yeah, with his build and his height, I think he looks great! He even looked at Jonathan's tummy and ribs and thought it was a little on the thin side. I guess I am just paranoid with everything you hear about childhood obesity. And since I am such a chubalub, I am afraid I am going to raise mini chubalubs. So both of my kids are at perfectly acceptable heights and weights! That is one small corner of parenting that we seem to be doing okay on.
I was reading my cousin Brandi from Kansas' profile on Facebook, and she was talking about how she enjoys being around kids, but she is terrified at the idea of having her own. I was like, you should be terrified! Having kids is really, really frightening! The responsibility is enormous! I never got it before I had the kids. I sometimes wonder if I had really known what I was getting into, would I have been brave enough to trust myself to be a mother? I really don't know!
I have been scared every day for the past six years! The minute I knew I was pregnant with Jonathan ushered in a whole new type of fear and anxiety for me! I have never slept soundly again, and I am not sure if I ever will. Even when they go away to college, I think some part of my brain will always be on, wondering where they are and if they are okay!
So that's what I've been thinking about today. My kids are growing up fast, and in a lot of ways, life with them is getting easier. As they get more independent, I am less stressed out in some ways, but then I am also more stressed out in others. The more they develop into their own little beings, the more I realize that I can't always control them... I can't always control what happens to them... I can't always protect them. And that, is quite scary. Scarier, really, than most of the stuff I have worried about so far, like if they are getting enough calcium, or do I let them watch too much TV?