Every once in a while I read something that really resonates, and makes me go hmmmm.The following is a quoted passage from a commencement address recently given by JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter Series:Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and
understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other
people's minds, imagine themselves into other people's places.
Of course,
this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One
might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to
understand or sympathise.
And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations
at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own
experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other
than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can
close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them
personally; they can refuse to know.
I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares
than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental
agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative
see more monsters. They are often more afraid.
What is more, those who choose not to empathise may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.Apologies for the bad block quoting here (I still have not figured out Blogger), I am writing my own thoughts in red to clarify! As if you won't be able to tell. Rowling is just ever so slightly more eloquent than I am.I have always been really sensitive, and I have always cared about everything a little too much. I have always been a little too empathetic. Seeing starving children on TV or reading an article about puppy mills, or thinking about the plight of manatees or Florida panthers or bald eagles or whatever, always sent me into a stomach-aching, hair pulling, agonizing frenzy. I'll never forget about when I first learned about genital mutilation. I was in fifth grade, sitting in the ID card office on base, and I saw a newsclip on CNN. I was horrified, but at the same time I wanted to educate myself, to find out more about what was being done to stop this horrifying practice.At some point in my life, I have learned to turn my caring switch off. I just could no longer handle all of my own problems and process all the pains of the world at the same time. Now, if I see an article on something that might disturb me, I flip past it. I never, ever watch the news. But lately I have been thinking about how wrong this approach has been, and I am sorry that I have stopped caring so much. I realize I can't fix everything that is wrong, but once upon a time, I did try to do what I could to remedy the world's problems, or at least I tried to face them with my eyes open. It's not fair that I have the choice to simply ignore what makes me feel unpleasant while other people have to live out every moment in what I choose to ignore.I don't think I got callous or cynical when I decided to stop paying attention; I simply think that I was tired and worn out. I could only focus on so much at a time and I just felt it was hopeless. Too much hurt to bear and so I chose to turn away. But I am starting to wake back up and realize that I can't simply ignore everything bad in the world. I don't really know what I am trying to say; I am not going to run away and join the Peace Corps or anything. I just would like to be more like who I used to be. Someone who cared and who thought caring could make a difference.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Quote from JK Rowling
Am I only dreaming?
Last night Dave had band practice. I fell asleep with the kids after reading to them. We were reading a book about a panda bear and I stupidly told them about Mao-Mao, the panda bear that was killed in the earthquake in China. This led to my fumbling explanation about death and earthquakes and heaven, which the kids listened to with furrowed brows and disturbed expressions. This whole conversation was made worse by the fact that we had just seen Kung Fu Panda, and the kids are in love with panda bears right now, and also that it was thundering outside, and they were both having considerable anxiety about the storm. Every year, we have to get used to the summer storms again. They both wanted Daddy to be home because they feel safer when he's home (and to be honest, so do I).
Anna kept saying but that teddy bear not supposed to die and saying she did not like heaven and never wanted to go there. Jonathan wanted a scientific explanation of exactly what is an earthquake. I could not satisfy either of them with anything I said.
So, finally we all fell asleep. The next thing I knew, it was 12:30 and I was so confused. I stumbled into our bedroom and saw that Dave had made it home okay, and he was asleep. I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, and I saw the most wonderful thing on the counter: a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. I ate them all in my sleepy state, standing in the kitchen for a few minutes and then pouring the contents out in my hand and eating the rest in bed, before falling asleep without (gasp!) brushing my teeth again.
I woke up this morning and really thought that this had all been a dream. I told myself, dark chocolate peanut M&Ms? Who has ever heard of such a thing? I could only wish. And when I went to the kitchen and did not see the empty bag on the counter I was convinced that I had been dreaming.
I moved a dishtowel later on, and there it was! An empty purple bag of M&Ms. I felt both disgusted and relieved. Disgusted that I had started my day already in the hole with my diet, and relieved that it was not all a dream (because they were really, really delicious and I definitely want them again, just not when I am in a semi-conscious state) Then I thought, Oh, how sweet, Dave must have brought them home for me. But it turns out he thought he was purchasing dark chocolate M&Ms and had opened them, discovered what they were (he hates nuts) and left them on the counter. Oh, well, at least one of us enjoyed them.
Anna kept saying but that teddy bear not supposed to die and saying she did not like heaven and never wanted to go there. Jonathan wanted a scientific explanation of exactly what is an earthquake. I could not satisfy either of them with anything I said.
So, finally we all fell asleep. The next thing I knew, it was 12:30 and I was so confused. I stumbled into our bedroom and saw that Dave had made it home okay, and he was asleep. I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, and I saw the most wonderful thing on the counter: a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. I ate them all in my sleepy state, standing in the kitchen for a few minutes and then pouring the contents out in my hand and eating the rest in bed, before falling asleep without (gasp!) brushing my teeth again.
I woke up this morning and really thought that this had all been a dream. I told myself, dark chocolate peanut M&Ms? Who has ever heard of such a thing? I could only wish. And when I went to the kitchen and did not see the empty bag on the counter I was convinced that I had been dreaming.
I moved a dishtowel later on, and there it was! An empty purple bag of M&Ms. I felt both disgusted and relieved. Disgusted that I had started my day already in the hole with my diet, and relieved that it was not all a dream (because they were really, really delicious and I definitely want them again, just not when I am in a semi-conscious state) Then I thought, Oh, how sweet, Dave must have brought them home for me. But it turns out he thought he was purchasing dark chocolate M&Ms and had opened them, discovered what they were (he hates nuts) and left them on the counter. Oh, well, at least one of us enjoyed them.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Today's Accomplishments
1.) I got out of bed, even though I was in the middle of a fantastic dream that I wanted to keep dreaming(I was redecorating Jonathan and Anna's bedrooms; there were paint swatches everywhere and I was so happy!).
2.) I sort of kept a kid from drowning at swim lessons (which was seriously terrifying and I can't stop thinking about it and I just want to keep my kids home for the rest of the summer away from all pools). Somehow the two lifeguards on duty and the one teaching the class just did not see him go under. He went under on purpose. I heard him say, Hey, Look what I can do!
He just let go of the wall, and at first, since he had done it intentionally, I thought he was just struggling under the water on purpose. Also, I had that social anxiety, where I kept thinking, well, is he really drowning? What if I go and lift him out and he was just treading water and everyone thinks I am a total overdramatic freak?I imagined his mother running over and saying, Hey! Lady! Don't touch my kid!
But he really was not swimming and he really was sucking in water. I got him out, which was a little difficult since I had Anna in my arms. The lifeguard came over and I told her what happened and then I just tried to get back into the lesson with Anna but I could not stop staring at that part of the pool. He is in Jonathan's class (Jonathan was in the water getting instruction from the lifeguard and her back was turned to the other 3 students) and now I am going to be super anxious about Jonathan, and really, everyone in the pool (I can't ever just take care of my own business; this is part of why I am in therapy).
3.) I managed to remain calm when I had fire ants in my swimsuit coverup that were stinging me. The only thing that kept me from ripping off my coverup to get the ants off of me was the field full of men playing softball. If you think that I was concerned that they would check me out, then you don't know me that well. It was out of concern for them. I wanted to spare them the sight of me in my swimsuit. I am feeling REALLY GOOD about my body these days. Also, I managed to locate and smash the ants and I only got bit a couple of times.
4.) I went to Fazoli's and only had one breadstick. This is perhaps my proudest accomplishment of the day.
5.) I managed to construct Jonathan's new Star Wars Lego set. I am spatially challenged and it took me close to 45 minutes to assemble an 81 piece set, but hey! I did it! I was just so tired of telling him that we had to wait for Daddy to get home. But now I am sort of wondering if I was dumb to put it together for him. Telling him "I don't know how, only Daddy does" has gotten me out of a lot of hassle. Now that he knows I have potential, he may try to get me use it more often.
2.) I sort of kept a kid from drowning at swim lessons (which was seriously terrifying and I can't stop thinking about it and I just want to keep my kids home for the rest of the summer away from all pools). Somehow the two lifeguards on duty and the one teaching the class just did not see him go under. He went under on purpose. I heard him say, Hey, Look what I can do!
He just let go of the wall, and at first, since he had done it intentionally, I thought he was just struggling under the water on purpose. Also, I had that social anxiety, where I kept thinking, well, is he really drowning? What if I go and lift him out and he was just treading water and everyone thinks I am a total overdramatic freak?I imagined his mother running over and saying, Hey! Lady! Don't touch my kid!
But he really was not swimming and he really was sucking in water. I got him out, which was a little difficult since I had Anna in my arms. The lifeguard came over and I told her what happened and then I just tried to get back into the lesson with Anna but I could not stop staring at that part of the pool. He is in Jonathan's class (Jonathan was in the water getting instruction from the lifeguard and her back was turned to the other 3 students) and now I am going to be super anxious about Jonathan, and really, everyone in the pool (I can't ever just take care of my own business; this is part of why I am in therapy).
3.) I managed to remain calm when I had fire ants in my swimsuit coverup that were stinging me. The only thing that kept me from ripping off my coverup to get the ants off of me was the field full of men playing softball. If you think that I was concerned that they would check me out, then you don't know me that well. It was out of concern for them. I wanted to spare them the sight of me in my swimsuit. I am feeling REALLY GOOD about my body these days. Also, I managed to locate and smash the ants and I only got bit a couple of times.
4.) I went to Fazoli's and only had one breadstick. This is perhaps my proudest accomplishment of the day.
5.) I managed to construct Jonathan's new Star Wars Lego set. I am spatially challenged and it took me close to 45 minutes to assemble an 81 piece set, but hey! I did it! I was just so tired of telling him that we had to wait for Daddy to get home. But now I am sort of wondering if I was dumb to put it together for him. Telling him "I don't know how, only Daddy does" has gotten me out of a lot of hassle. Now that he knows I have potential, he may try to get me use it more often.
Monday, June 9, 2008
First Day of Swim Lessons
Our first day of swim lessons went well. I did not think we would be able to make it since Anna has been sick since Friday night with a fever and a cold. But she was fever free since yesterday morning, and jumped up and starting taking her pjs off and trying to get into a size 4T swimsuit (which would be like me trying to get into a size 6 suit, except it is the exact opposite problem). She told me, No! I NOT sick. I AM going in the pool RIGHT NOW.
I was a little peeved because I had not properly prepared to be in a swimsuit today. One thing I had meant to do, since there are actually people I know at these lessons, is to lose a good 20lbs first. Obviously, this is not happening, but at the very least, I had some, ahem, grooming issues that should have been taken care of before today.
We got there, and Jonathan just goes off with his teacher (yet another cute teenage girl, just like last summer). He is currently laid up in bed, because this teacher has them hold on to the edge of the pool and kick whenever it is not their turn. His legs are very sore. But he did great! I looked over at him from the WaterBabies section of the pool, and was pleased to see that the teacher has already made more progress with him than I have been able to. He normally won't use his legs and his arms in unision because he has a death grip on me. Anna also did well. She is one of the older kids in the class.
When we were getting ready to leave, and walking away from the group to go to the car, Anna made a loud announcement. "I have got sh*t in my shoes." I laugh nervously and start to usher the kids to the car a little faster. "Oh, what, baby, you have sticks in your shoes?" I say, a little louder than I need to, hoping to clarify to any of the other mothers that may have heard her. "No, Mama! Not sticks. I have got sh*t in my shoes." Anna shrieks this at me, with a little stomp and a little shake of her purple Crocs for emphasis.
What can I say? Do I know exactly where she picked up this sweet little phrase? No. Could I feasibly have let this word slip over the last two years, at some point, long before she could talk, but was secretly filing it all away in her mental language bank? Of course.
My face was bright red as I got her in her carseat. But to be honest, I was also trying my best not to laugh, not even to smile a little bit. And to think, I was worried about the other moms judging me based on my bikini line. I obviously have more to worry about than that.
I was a little peeved because I had not properly prepared to be in a swimsuit today. One thing I had meant to do, since there are actually people I know at these lessons, is to lose a good 20lbs first. Obviously, this is not happening, but at the very least, I had some, ahem, grooming issues that should have been taken care of before today.
We got there, and Jonathan just goes off with his teacher (yet another cute teenage girl, just like last summer). He is currently laid up in bed, because this teacher has them hold on to the edge of the pool and kick whenever it is not their turn. His legs are very sore. But he did great! I looked over at him from the WaterBabies section of the pool, and was pleased to see that the teacher has already made more progress with him than I have been able to. He normally won't use his legs and his arms in unision because he has a death grip on me. Anna also did well. She is one of the older kids in the class.
When we were getting ready to leave, and walking away from the group to go to the car, Anna made a loud announcement. "I have got sh*t in my shoes." I laugh nervously and start to usher the kids to the car a little faster. "Oh, what, baby, you have sticks in your shoes?" I say, a little louder than I need to, hoping to clarify to any of the other mothers that may have heard her. "No, Mama! Not sticks. I have got sh*t in my shoes." Anna shrieks this at me, with a little stomp and a little shake of her purple Crocs for emphasis.
What can I say? Do I know exactly where she picked up this sweet little phrase? No. Could I feasibly have let this word slip over the last two years, at some point, long before she could talk, but was secretly filing it all away in her mental language bank? Of course.
My face was bright red as I got her in her carseat. But to be honest, I was also trying my best not to laugh, not even to smile a little bit. And to think, I was worried about the other moms judging me based on my bikini line. I obviously have more to worry about than that.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Normal is a relative thing
I have blogged before about Webkinz. I really enjoy them so much, and would have been enthralled with them had they been around when I was a kid. I used to create little imaginary towns and houses for all of my little imaginary creatures. I had to actually imagine them, and it was one of the ways I would entertain myself. I was a very spacey sort of child. I was always either reading or wrapped up in this type of elaborate daydreaming. Anyways, I have been resisting the urge to buy myself any Webkinz or start my own account, because that just seems, well, very immature and silly. But I noticed a few nights ago that the black and white cat we bought for Anna a while back still had the secret code attached and had never been activated. So I basically stole it from my child, named her Meowington and created the most beautiful room for her. The type of bedroom I wish I had. Not the gaudy or bright or hodgepodge rooms the kids create (like the room for Jonathan's snake, where he has used an ingenious [but I'm sorry, hideous] mix of the space and schoolroom themes). I have been playing the games quite a bit, especially Quizzy's Word Challenge, which is sort of like Boggle, which I LOVE! I was a little concerned about my sanity until I went to scrapbook with some ladies last night. Am I normal to be enjoying this kiddo hobby so much? Somehow Webkinz came up as a topic of conversation and I was so relieved when the other two mothers my age started talking about how they are both on Webkinz, and this or that is their favorite game, and how they have found loopholes so you can do more jobs per day, and all of this other stuff. They were so excited while we were talking about it! It made me feel so much more normal to know that I am not the only one visiting the Curio Shop at midnight to see what's on sale.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Friday
Today I woke up feeling very grumpy. Almost evil, really. I really had no reason to feel this way, but I just did. It is Dave's off Friday and he let me sleep in and he made orange sweet rolls for breakfast, but I still felt really hostile. I stubbed my toe really bad on a stepstool and ripped half of a toenail off, which really makes me so angry because it messed up my pedicure. That, and it really hurts.
Luckily, the kids and I had a playdate with my friend Jessica. It was the best way I could have possibly spent my time today! She is just such a wonderful, funny person and just being around her really cheered me up so much. It has been way too long since I have seen her and her kids. They are so grown up now! We got to swim in their pool and Jonathan and Anna had a great time. They both used some little floats you can sit in and were delighted that they could kick their way across the pool. Jonathan wants one, a Spiderman one, because then he says he can go in the deep end. He is getting much braver with the water, and I am hoping this will finally be the summer that he learns to swim. Lessons start this Monday for both of them! I am looking forward to lessons because it will give a little more structure to our day. These lessons go on Monday through Thursday for 2 weeks, and we also have private lessons scheduled (my Mom arranged it) for Jonathan and Trystan at her house two mornings a week. So hopefully, this will be the summer for Jonathan, and maybe Anna too. I think they could both swim, they just need to let go (literally) of me enough to do it. Between swim lessons, VBS, my birthday and Father's Day, June is just going to fly by.
Luckily, the kids and I had a playdate with my friend Jessica. It was the best way I could have possibly spent my time today! She is just such a wonderful, funny person and just being around her really cheered me up so much. It has been way too long since I have seen her and her kids. They are so grown up now! We got to swim in their pool and Jonathan and Anna had a great time. They both used some little floats you can sit in and were delighted that they could kick their way across the pool. Jonathan wants one, a Spiderman one, because then he says he can go in the deep end. He is getting much braver with the water, and I am hoping this will finally be the summer that he learns to swim. Lessons start this Monday for both of them! I am looking forward to lessons because it will give a little more structure to our day. These lessons go on Monday through Thursday for 2 weeks, and we also have private lessons scheduled (my Mom arranged it) for Jonathan and Trystan at her house two mornings a week. So hopefully, this will be the summer for Jonathan, and maybe Anna too. I think they could both swim, they just need to let go (literally) of me enough to do it. Between swim lessons, VBS, my birthday and Father's Day, June is just going to fly by.
I Should Be Sleeping
Instead I am eating cheese puffs and getting cheese powder on the keyboard as I type. I am not hungry, but I made the mistake of eating one, and now I can't stop myself.
I don't feel like sleeping because I know I will just have to wake up all the time during the night.
Last night I got up and got a big glass of cold water, and then fell asleep in bed with it in my hand. It spilled all over me and the bedding and the floor. I threw a towel at the wet mess, sort of half-heartedly and slept with my head at the foot of the bed (putting my face dangerously close to Dave's talon toenails) with my wet nightgown and comforter. Lovely.
I am listening to this really, really awful book on CD by Jane Greene, called The Other Woman. I bought it in the clearance bin at Books-A-Million. I listen to it in the car as I drive around town. It is really terrible. The plot is both non-existent and predictable, and I really hate the main character, Ellie. I am actually rooting for the Other Woman, which is her mother-in-law, who seems to have done nothing wrong but plan and pay for a huge wedding and offer to babysit her first grandson. Ellie is super ungrateful and immature and very possessive of her baby. You have to wonder what is wrong with people who don't/can't/won't let their children bond with other people. I guess they are really insecure. I am really hoping her husband leaves her and moves back in with his mother and she has to share custody. She is too whiny to bear.
But this book, I am only half way through the discs and I cannot imagine how the author is going to fill up the next half. It is seriously one of the worst books I have ever read. I can't stop listening to it though. It is far more entertaining than the radio. And it is read in this very precise, clipped British accent. The reader prounounces every syllable so carefully. I just am hypnotized by it. Jonathan loves it also. If I try to turn it off, he begs me to leave it on. He is probably learning how to curse in a British sort of way. At least it still sounds polite.
I adore British accents. I could listen to them talk about anything. So I guess that is what is keeping me going. I am also reading Running with Scissors, a funny and shocking memoir, which is a far better book, although it is so gross, I could never, ever play it on a CD in the car.
I don't feel like sleeping because I know I will just have to wake up all the time during the night.
Last night I got up and got a big glass of cold water, and then fell asleep in bed with it in my hand. It spilled all over me and the bedding and the floor. I threw a towel at the wet mess, sort of half-heartedly and slept with my head at the foot of the bed (putting my face dangerously close to Dave's talon toenails) with my wet nightgown and comforter. Lovely.
I am listening to this really, really awful book on CD by Jane Greene, called The Other Woman. I bought it in the clearance bin at Books-A-Million. I listen to it in the car as I drive around town. It is really terrible. The plot is both non-existent and predictable, and I really hate the main character, Ellie. I am actually rooting for the Other Woman, which is her mother-in-law, who seems to have done nothing wrong but plan and pay for a huge wedding and offer to babysit her first grandson. Ellie is super ungrateful and immature and very possessive of her baby. You have to wonder what is wrong with people who don't/can't/won't let their children bond with other people. I guess they are really insecure. I am really hoping her husband leaves her and moves back in with his mother and she has to share custody. She is too whiny to bear.
But this book, I am only half way through the discs and I cannot imagine how the author is going to fill up the next half. It is seriously one of the worst books I have ever read. I can't stop listening to it though. It is far more entertaining than the radio. And it is read in this very precise, clipped British accent. The reader prounounces every syllable so carefully. I just am hypnotized by it. Jonathan loves it also. If I try to turn it off, he begs me to leave it on. He is probably learning how to curse in a British sort of way. At least it still sounds polite.
I adore British accents. I could listen to them talk about anything. So I guess that is what is keeping me going. I am also reading Running with Scissors, a funny and shocking memoir, which is a far better book, although it is so gross, I could never, ever play it on a CD in the car.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Career Goals
The other day, after the space shuttle launched, and we were talking about it, the kids shared their career goals with me. I told Jonathan he could be an astronaut (You can be whatever you want to be; you just have to work really hard, blah, blah, blah...) and he thought for a second, and said No, I want to be a baker.
I asked Anna what she wanted to be, and she thought for a minute, and said, I want to be you, Mama.
So a baker and a Mommy? Where are the big dreams, kids? Come on! We all start out wanting to be something really fantastic (like an astronaut, or a dolphin trainer at Sea World) and then life and reality gets in the way, and we settle for something more attainable. Not that there is anything wrong with their goals. I don't want to offend any professional bakers or other stay at home moms out there. I just worry that if you start at a baker and a homemaker, and you go down on the scale from there, where will you go?
I asked Anna what she wanted to be, and she thought for a minute, and said, I want to be you, Mama.
So a baker and a Mommy? Where are the big dreams, kids? Come on! We all start out wanting to be something really fantastic (like an astronaut, or a dolphin trainer at Sea World) and then life and reality gets in the way, and we settle for something more attainable. Not that there is anything wrong with their goals. I don't want to offend any professional bakers or other stay at home moms out there. I just worry that if you start at a baker and a homemaker, and you go down on the scale from there, where will you go?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Wednesday, in summary (really)
7 AM Wake up, no apple juice, milk or breakfast fixings in the house.
8 AM At Dunkin Donuts (2 days in a ROW!) Ms. Gail, the manager that is so sweet to us, gave me a free latte. If there was ever a way to get on my good side....
9 AM Target, to get apple juice and milk. Jonathan is very upset because he failed to put his shoes on for our outing. He tells me that he is so embarassed that I forgot to put his shoes on. I gave him a lecture about how we have to take responsibility for our own business. He told me that I am the adult and it was my job to get his shoes, he is just a little kid. I guess I can see both sides.
10AM Home, just barely. Am super, super hot, and can't believe that every year I forget just how hot it gets in the summer. E-mail, phone calls, and paperwork stuff for nursery.
11AM Lunch. The kids get naked and try to eat on the table. I am at a loss today. Of course, I make them get down and and put their clothes back on.
11-1 I make the sauce for tonight's dinner, pack half of it away in the freezer, and the other half in the fridge. We go to my Mom's to be with my stepdad because she has an appointment.
1:30-4PM At my Mom's. Read books, watch cartoons, eat chips and dip.
4-6 PM Back down Wickham. We work on moving Anna's toys into Bubba's room, taking the crib down and going through all the clothes and toys to give away or garage sale. With the air matress, changing table dresser, dresser drawers, toy tubs, crib, air mattress, tent full of stuffed animals, play kitchen and other storage containers, the room is feeling a little claustrophobic. So we are going to have one sleeping room and one playing room. Supposedly.
This is how I hope for the rest of the evening to go:
6-8 Dinner, baths, bedtime for kids.
8-10 Alone time, bedtime for the adults.
8 AM At Dunkin Donuts (2 days in a ROW!) Ms. Gail, the manager that is so sweet to us, gave me a free latte. If there was ever a way to get on my good side....
9 AM Target, to get apple juice and milk. Jonathan is very upset because he failed to put his shoes on for our outing. He tells me that he is so embarassed that I forgot to put his shoes on. I gave him a lecture about how we have to take responsibility for our own business. He told me that I am the adult and it was my job to get his shoes, he is just a little kid. I guess I can see both sides.
10AM Home, just barely. Am super, super hot, and can't believe that every year I forget just how hot it gets in the summer. E-mail, phone calls, and paperwork stuff for nursery.
11AM Lunch. The kids get naked and try to eat on the table. I am at a loss today. Of course, I make them get down and and put their clothes back on.
11-1 I make the sauce for tonight's dinner, pack half of it away in the freezer, and the other half in the fridge. We go to my Mom's to be with my stepdad because she has an appointment.
1:30-4PM At my Mom's. Read books, watch cartoons, eat chips and dip.
4-6 PM Back down Wickham. We work on moving Anna's toys into Bubba's room, taking the crib down and going through all the clothes and toys to give away or garage sale. With the air matress, changing table dresser, dresser drawers, toy tubs, crib, air mattress, tent full of stuffed animals, play kitchen and other storage containers, the room is feeling a little claustrophobic. So we are going to have one sleeping room and one playing room. Supposedly.
This is how I hope for the rest of the evening to go:
6-8 Dinner, baths, bedtime for kids.
8-10 Alone time, bedtime for the adults.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
My Favorite Poem
Okay, last post of the day, I promise. I read A LOT of poems in college (English major), and for some reason, out of all the poems I had to read, this is the one I would say is my favorite. It runs through my head a lot. Like a song from the radio.
This Is Just To Say
William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
This Is Just To Say
William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
Tuesday, in summary
I think my blog has three main themes: My kids are so cute and clever, I don't ever feel well, and here's why, and What I did today.
My kids are so cute and clever:
Today we made treasure boxes. Jonathan took his apart, stuck a balloon with curling ribbon attached inside, stuck the box on his head, and said, Look, I'm a light! He even pulled on the ribbon to turn himself off and on. The balloon was the lightbulb, the box was the lampshade. He even pretended to take the lampshade off and "burn" me with his hot light. The other funny thing he did today also involved light. I had made all of these cupcakes and I saw him near them and I was like Get away from those cupcakes!!! And he said, I am just checking them for Energon (a Transformers thing)! He was using this little blue flashlight and methodically scanning each one. I thought this was so creative!
Anna is in this big "Why?" stage. She was soaking in the bathtub and she was sort of just talking. She said, Oh, poor Bubba, he has die-die-re-a (he really does). He's sick. Why he sick, Mama?
To which I reply a safe, I don't know (I tried to make some sort of bug analogy to a virus last week and she got really confused and terrified), he just is.
Then she asked me, are you sick, Mama? And I said, why do you ask me that? And she said cuz you go to the doctor. Are you sick? I said, well sort of. She said will you be okay Mama? I tell her, Of course I'll be okay!
Once again, I am reminded of how I need to start filtering everything I say because I should always assume that my kids are much smarter and more aware than I give them credit for.
The way she phrases everything right now is just so cute!!! She just melts my heart. She is just so cute, and, well, clever.
I don't ever feel well, and here's why:
I went back to the doctor today. I think this is the 6th time I have been in 3 weeks? The good news is that my urine looks a lot better than it did last week, so I can avoid being referred to a urologist for now. I am still having the same pain I did last week, but the ultrasounds they did did not find anything very significant, other than some small cysts. I probably should go to the urologist but I am very scared of anything they might do. I really don't have any idea, but I am deathly afraid of any sort of catheter or anything like that. The other good news is that I tested negative for herpes (the sort of off the wall doctor tested me for that, even though I obviously had a bladder infection; he's the same one who ordered a chest xray 2 weeks ago even though my lungs sounded clear and I have not coughed once. I will not accept an appointment with him again.). My doctor sounded very proud of me, she said 90% of the population tests positive for type 1, and I did not have either type! Whoo-hoo! I had never really thought I had it, but I got all paranoid after the doctor ordered the test. The bad (not really bad) news is that my sinuses are a nasty mess again, and since I can't be on antibiotics and steroid packs for the rest of my life, I am going to get a CT scan of them on Friday to consider possible surgery. Anyways. So all of my other ailments are holding steady. My sleep is still crazy. My mother in law told me today that "this is what happens when you start going to the doctor all the time. They just order all of those tests!" Okay, I went to the doctor because I have had unrelenting headaches almost every single day since August. She then discovered I had a really infected sinus on the same side I get my headaches on, and put me on meds. A week later, I was sicker and running a fever, they did a chest x-ray and discovered I did have bronchitis, and also that I had a bladder infection. A week later, I was still running a fever. Back to the doctor, and yes, I still had a bladder infection, and now I have blood and white blood cells in my pee.
So I am not just running off to the doctor everytime I get a hangnail or sneeze or something! She honestly thinks that I schedule appointments, the doctors order tests to pacify me and then I create ailments to go along with the tests they order. So enough about that! I really need to get my sleep straightened out before I go visit her. For obvious reasons.
What I did today:
I got up and made 100 mini strawberry cupcakes with white frosting and blue and purple sugar sprinkles on top. I took my kids to lunch at Dunkin Donuts, where I ordered our usual. It's our favorite place. They were super calm and quiet while we were there.
I went to the doctor, taking both of my kids along because I could not get anyone to watch them. They were so loud and wild that the doctor asked me if I gave them caffiene. Then I had to take them into the bathroom with me while they both laughed hysterically and made fun of me because I had to pee in a cup. They thought this was the most humorous thing ever. I told them that sometimes people have to put their poop in a cup so the doctors can look at it. I thought Jonathan was going to pee his pants he was laughing so hard. Then I went to Sam's Club to go swimsuit shopping. I bought a swimsuit and a coverup without trying them on in and was back out in the parking lot in under 20 minutes. They both fit and I really like them a lot. Sam's it great because you can get a name brand suit for 20 bucks. Anyways, then we rushed to my Mom's house for Justine's end of the year swim party. I cut up all of the fruit, and made dip for it, made pigs in a blanket and chicken fries, a chip and dip platter, cut a watermelon into wedges, and then brought out my cupcakes. Every 20 minutes or so I would bring out something different, and announce it to them. They would all scramble out of the pool and eat it like a bunch of dogs. I went out there and every single cupcake was gone, watermelon rinds were scattered like bones. It was so funny. They used their water balloons to give themselves fake boobs, and then they started putting about five or six in their suits so they would look pregnant. I had asked my tutoring student Jacob, a 13 year old boy, to come and help me out with the party, and I think it was pretty awful for him to sit through this whole ordeal. Then I left, took Jacob home, and met Dave and the kids to try out the new Chinese place, Panda Express, which was okay, but it is no Lucky Garden. Dave went to practice, I came home with the kids, we put together and decorated their treasure boxes, I gave them baths, cleaned the house, made them snacks, and have been sitting here blogging and waiting for Dave to come home from band practice. This was a terrible summary of my day. This was the opposite of summary. But it was a pretty decent day, all in all.
My kids are so cute and clever:
Today we made treasure boxes. Jonathan took his apart, stuck a balloon with curling ribbon attached inside, stuck the box on his head, and said, Look, I'm a light! He even pulled on the ribbon to turn himself off and on. The balloon was the lightbulb, the box was the lampshade. He even pretended to take the lampshade off and "burn" me with his hot light. The other funny thing he did today also involved light. I had made all of these cupcakes and I saw him near them and I was like Get away from those cupcakes!!! And he said, I am just checking them for Energon (a Transformers thing)! He was using this little blue flashlight and methodically scanning each one. I thought this was so creative!
Anna is in this big "Why?" stage. She was soaking in the bathtub and she was sort of just talking. She said, Oh, poor Bubba, he has die-die-re-a (he really does). He's sick. Why he sick, Mama?
To which I reply a safe, I don't know (I tried to make some sort of bug analogy to a virus last week and she got really confused and terrified), he just is.
Then she asked me, are you sick, Mama? And I said, why do you ask me that? And she said cuz you go to the doctor. Are you sick? I said, well sort of. She said will you be okay Mama? I tell her, Of course I'll be okay!
Once again, I am reminded of how I need to start filtering everything I say because I should always assume that my kids are much smarter and more aware than I give them credit for.
The way she phrases everything right now is just so cute!!! She just melts my heart. She is just so cute, and, well, clever.
I don't ever feel well, and here's why:
I went back to the doctor today. I think this is the 6th time I have been in 3 weeks? The good news is that my urine looks a lot better than it did last week, so I can avoid being referred to a urologist for now. I am still having the same pain I did last week, but the ultrasounds they did did not find anything very significant, other than some small cysts. I probably should go to the urologist but I am very scared of anything they might do. I really don't have any idea, but I am deathly afraid of any sort of catheter or anything like that. The other good news is that I tested negative for herpes (the sort of off the wall doctor tested me for that, even though I obviously had a bladder infection; he's the same one who ordered a chest xray 2 weeks ago even though my lungs sounded clear and I have not coughed once. I will not accept an appointment with him again.). My doctor sounded very proud of me, she said 90% of the population tests positive for type 1, and I did not have either type! Whoo-hoo! I had never really thought I had it, but I got all paranoid after the doctor ordered the test. The bad (not really bad) news is that my sinuses are a nasty mess again, and since I can't be on antibiotics and steroid packs for the rest of my life, I am going to get a CT scan of them on Friday to consider possible surgery. Anyways. So all of my other ailments are holding steady. My sleep is still crazy. My mother in law told me today that "this is what happens when you start going to the doctor all the time. They just order all of those tests!" Okay, I went to the doctor because I have had unrelenting headaches almost every single day since August. She then discovered I had a really infected sinus on the same side I get my headaches on, and put me on meds. A week later, I was sicker and running a fever, they did a chest x-ray and discovered I did have bronchitis, and also that I had a bladder infection. A week later, I was still running a fever. Back to the doctor, and yes, I still had a bladder infection, and now I have blood and white blood cells in my pee.
So I am not just running off to the doctor everytime I get a hangnail or sneeze or something! She honestly thinks that I schedule appointments, the doctors order tests to pacify me and then I create ailments to go along with the tests they order. So enough about that! I really need to get my sleep straightened out before I go visit her. For obvious reasons.
What I did today:
I got up and made 100 mini strawberry cupcakes with white frosting and blue and purple sugar sprinkles on top. I took my kids to lunch at Dunkin Donuts, where I ordered our usual. It's our favorite place. They were super calm and quiet while we were there.
I went to the doctor, taking both of my kids along because I could not get anyone to watch them. They were so loud and wild that the doctor asked me if I gave them caffiene. Then I had to take them into the bathroom with me while they both laughed hysterically and made fun of me because I had to pee in a cup. They thought this was the most humorous thing ever. I told them that sometimes people have to put their poop in a cup so the doctors can look at it. I thought Jonathan was going to pee his pants he was laughing so hard. Then I went to Sam's Club to go swimsuit shopping. I bought a swimsuit and a coverup without trying them on in and was back out in the parking lot in under 20 minutes. They both fit and I really like them a lot. Sam's it great because you can get a name brand suit for 20 bucks. Anyways, then we rushed to my Mom's house for Justine's end of the year swim party. I cut up all of the fruit, and made dip for it, made pigs in a blanket and chicken fries, a chip and dip platter, cut a watermelon into wedges, and then brought out my cupcakes. Every 20 minutes or so I would bring out something different, and announce it to them. They would all scramble out of the pool and eat it like a bunch of dogs. I went out there and every single cupcake was gone, watermelon rinds were scattered like bones. It was so funny. They used their water balloons to give themselves fake boobs, and then they started putting about five or six in their suits so they would look pregnant. I had asked my tutoring student Jacob, a 13 year old boy, to come and help me out with the party, and I think it was pretty awful for him to sit through this whole ordeal. Then I left, took Jacob home, and met Dave and the kids to try out the new Chinese place, Panda Express, which was okay, but it is no Lucky Garden. Dave went to practice, I came home with the kids, we put together and decorated their treasure boxes, I gave them baths, cleaned the house, made them snacks, and have been sitting here blogging and waiting for Dave to come home from band practice. This was a terrible summary of my day. This was the opposite of summary. But it was a pretty decent day, all in all.
My teeth are wiggling!
Jonathan and I were swimming in a very chilly pool, and he said, Look Mama! My teeth are wiggling. I was like, what! You can't have loose teeth yet??? And he says, No, Look, they are wiggling! His teeth were chattering really bad, because he was so cold. It was so cute, his eyes were all full of wonder. I think he was so delighted that his teeth were doing something all on their own.
A couple of days ago we were in the pool and Jonathan had water go up his nose and started sneezing all this nasty gunk out. He said, Yep, that water will clear your sinuses right out.
I assume he picked this up from someone, maybe my Mom?
We went inside and I was chatting with a friend (so I have a witness to this) and drinking a Diet Mt. Dew (which is a terrible thing for anyone to drink; just one of the many things Lara has gotten me into: Facebook, tattoos, cheese sauce on hashbrowns...). Anna came up and was begging me for some of my so-so (soda). I said No! She looks up at me and said, It not have caffiene in it, Mama. She said it so clearly! I did not know she even knew about caffiene. Of course, this was completely the wrong argument, since Diet Mt. Dew is definitely caffienated.
We are trying to start the potty training process with Anna, and she requested Princess Belle pull-ups (which I found, even though they also have all of those other princesses on them, inferior ones in Anna's eyes, like Cinderella and Ariel) and a Princess Potty. I told her they don't make those, and she thought for a minute, and said, just get some princess stick-sticks (stickers) and put on there. That was pretty smart! So I went and got her this little pink cushy potty at Wal-Mart, but I forgot the stickers. She remembered it, but agreed that she could cope until I could get back to the store. She finally worked up the nerve to sit down (seriously, the thing is only about 6 inches off the ground) and try it out, and she was clutching the sides so hard. She looked up at me with enormous eyes, and said, I can fall in this pot-pot, Mama? I had never even considered that she might be nervous about this. I thought that she just did not want to sit on the potty because she was being stubborn. So far, she says, I have to pee! She runs in there and sits for a few minutes, says Not yet. And then she goes and stands up and pees in her Pull-Up. So I have switched her back to diapers. They are much cheaper.
A couple of days ago we were in the pool and Jonathan had water go up his nose and started sneezing all this nasty gunk out. He said, Yep, that water will clear your sinuses right out.
I assume he picked this up from someone, maybe my Mom?
We went inside and I was chatting with a friend (so I have a witness to this) and drinking a Diet Mt. Dew (which is a terrible thing for anyone to drink; just one of the many things Lara has gotten me into: Facebook, tattoos, cheese sauce on hashbrowns...). Anna came up and was begging me for some of my so-so (soda). I said No! She looks up at me and said, It not have caffiene in it, Mama. She said it so clearly! I did not know she even knew about caffiene. Of course, this was completely the wrong argument, since Diet Mt. Dew is definitely caffienated.
We are trying to start the potty training process with Anna, and she requested Princess Belle pull-ups (which I found, even though they also have all of those other princesses on them, inferior ones in Anna's eyes, like Cinderella and Ariel) and a Princess Potty. I told her they don't make those, and she thought for a minute, and said, just get some princess stick-sticks (stickers) and put on there. That was pretty smart! So I went and got her this little pink cushy potty at Wal-Mart, but I forgot the stickers. She remembered it, but agreed that she could cope until I could get back to the store. She finally worked up the nerve to sit down (seriously, the thing is only about 6 inches off the ground) and try it out, and she was clutching the sides so hard. She looked up at me with enormous eyes, and said, I can fall in this pot-pot, Mama? I had never even considered that she might be nervous about this. I thought that she just did not want to sit on the potty because she was being stubborn. So far, she says, I have to pee! She runs in there and sits for a few minutes, says Not yet. And then she goes and stands up and pees in her Pull-Up. So I have switched her back to diapers. They are much cheaper.
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