Friday, November 12, 2010
Jonathan
On Monday we head back over to Orlando to Arnold Palmer to have someone who is supposed to be one of the best pediatric orthopedic surgeons around look at Jonathan again and re-evaluate. We have seen him several times, and he has never really provided a definitive answer for us. Jonathan's problems have gotten worse over the past few months. It is starting to cause some self esteem issues for him. He is starting to be really aware of his differences. I wish I could fix it. But I can't. And I don't think there is ever going to be a fix. I think we need a different way of managing his problems to lessen the impact on other joints. I don't agree with the current treatment plan... which is basically to do nothing. That is why we have another appointment lined up with a different ortho specialist for early December. I worry about him all the time. I know there is nothing critically wrong with him and I try to remember to be grateful for this. But it wears me down over time, so many, many years of dealing with it, and now having to deal more with the emotional aspect of his issues... it is hard. I wouldn't change one thing about Jonathan. But I certainly wish I could fix this one thing. And those two statements don't really go together. He asked me the other day whose fault is it about his leg? I said, I don't know, buddy. And he said, Well, maybe it is your fault because I came out of your belly when I was a baby. To which I had to leave the room and start crying my eyes out, because basically, deep down, I have always felt it was my fault. Maybe if I hadn't been considered high risk when I was pregnant. Maybe if I hadn't had high blood pressure or been so overweight when I got pregnant with him...Maybe if the ob/gyn had elected to do a c-section instead of letting me push for 2 and a half hours straight. I always think about my delivery with him when various doctors over the years bring up cerebral palsy. Birth-related injury... I know God made Jonathan, and I just carried him in my womb, but I do feel like somehow it is my fault, and to hear him verbalize that fear, it just made me crumble. Anyways, it seems wrong to have titled this post Jonathan, because this is just one tiny little facet of Jonathan. There is so much more to him than just his small physical issues. But when he is in physical or emotional pain because of them, it is hard for me to maintain perspective. I don't want him to be perfect, but I want things to be perfect for him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
In response to "whose fault" - I would have told him that it's the wrong question to ask. The world isn't perfect, and you can't expect it to be. You should always try to make things better if you can, but finding out "whose fault" doesn't usually make things better. It's hard to remember, especially when we are, mostly, SO fortunate, that the world does not owe us anything.
I guess that's maybe a little too serious for a six-year-old though.
I normally answer with something about how it is no one's fault, that God made him perfectly and I would never change a thing about him. Then I point out all the amazing and wonderful things he can do and how special he truly is, and then I point out that his right foot is one small part of his body and he can still walk and run and do anything he wants to do. I try to stay away from "it could be worse." It could be worse is something that was said to me often as a child, and as a depressed and anxious person, it was the very last thing I needed to hear. Although, of course it could. I know there are so many parents out there who struggle with much, much bigger issues with their kids, but I do find myself asking God why. But I prayed for Jonathan, and I have been so grateful for him. I think he is an amazing person and I can't believe the good fortune I've been given in him. So I feel bad when I am angry at God about his issues. I feel like I was given a gift and I am daring to critique it. Looking a gift horse in the mouth. But it is not that I want J to be better for my sake, I just want to make it go away for him, because it does bother him. I thought when it bothered him physicaly it was difficult to deal with, but the emotional impact it has been having lately is far worse. And he is always trying to figure out how to make things better, and often winds up walking in even more bizarre ways, so I will not suggest to him to try to make things better. Also, he means, whose fault is it, in the sense that he has been told since infancy that God made him. Why did God make his foot different? Answer that one. He is already sort of mad at God for taking his Poppa Ed away to heaven and for not helping Grandpa Charles' brain get better. And for inventing all the bad words that we are not supposed to say. Like if God doesn't want us to say bad words, why does he invent them in the first place?
Post a Comment