Jonathan's (Almost) a Kindergartner!

So, school starts in less than 2 weeks. Both kids have orientations and other school stuff like that coming up over the next week or so. In some ways, it seems right that Jon goes to K this year. I mean he is almost six years old, he is 46 inches tall (which means he is gaining on me fast!), he is spending his summer seeking out knowledge about bugs and builiding some seriously engineered blanket forts and tunnels, he knows everything he needs to know, and I think he is well-prepared to go. But... am I ready? This is nothing new, nothing I have not heard before. I have to admit, I have scoffed, inwardly rolled my eyes when hearing other mothers agonize about this. Even my own Mom recounts my oldest brother Cory, slipping away from her and joining his class easily, while she sat out in the car and cried and lingered, just in case he needed her. I am sure I will skip happily off for some alone time, go for a walk, go get some Starbucks, but I also expect that after about an hour, I will be checking my watch constantly, wondering when it will be time to pick him up again. And, I keep telling myself, over and over, speaking in a slow, calm voice (to try and calm the crazy down inside of me), It's only Kin-der-gar-ten. He's not being sent away. You've got to get it together! If he even senses that you are freaking out, he is going to freak out too! But I am scared for him, scared at somethings tangible that could happen: what if someone bullies him? what if he wonders away from his class, and even just for few minutes, he is lost? Or somethings intangible scare me, like what if a kid makes fun of him every couple of days, and chips away at that special quality that Jonathan has, and makes him more like the rest of the kids? And the thing that really scares me is this: I won't be there. After almost 6 years of being there, of trying to smooth things over, put something back together, etc, I won't be there. Whatever I will be doing, I can guarantee you it won't be as important or as noble or worthy a cause as Jonathan is. He has been worth every minute spent at home. Every little bit of good I have poured into him as his Mama the past 5 plus years, has been well worth the effort spent, because I have to say, whatever small amount of myself I have been allowed to give to him, to mold him with, he has taken it and a little person 20 times more amazing and funny and bright has been given back to me in return. He is already his own little man, making good choices, and doing things that he wants to do because he is simply good. Not because I am telling him to do it, but because he is following his own will, and so far, he has proven to be made of some very good stuff. Like when I came home from the hospital, he brought his *FAKE* pet hamster in, and said, Here, Mama, you can sleep with this. He also told me that if I needed anyone to get videos for me, he would do that too. Like if one is far away and you aren't supposed to reach it, you can tell me, Mama, and I will get it for you, ok?

Okay.

So I will continue about the path we have taken, getting him all set to go, packing him up with all the required stuff and wishing him well, hoping he knows how much we love him and that we are always his home. And just like when he was a baby, and he would accidentally bop himself on the forehead with his favorite toy, and he would search around the room for me, waiting to see my face before he decided to be upset or not, I will be there smiling brightly, even though inside, I am wincing and thinking,Ouch! That has to hurt! But hopefully he will see my bright and shiny (Shiny with tears!) smile and be reassured, that if Mama thinks it's OK, then it must be OK.
Two things I have learned from this summer of waiting, of counting down the big day till the big K comes: 1.) I now understand why moms choose to homeschool. Maybe that initial transition into Kindergarten is just too hard. How do you let go? 2.) I now understand those weepy, "overdramatic" moms who cried over the first day of school. Because in a sad way, but also a very happy way, parenthood is all just one milestone after another, where you are saying Goodbye, I wish you the best, go, and make me proud, and come back and tell me all about your adventures. Even though your fiercest instinct is to hold on with all your might, to protect, to keep the world from happening to your babies, the most important thing you can do is to let go of your kids, because eventually, if you do everything right, their paths will lead them away from you, and it is best you start preparing for it now. Besides, if I kept him home from now until his senior year of high school, I literally may never be able to let him go! I don't know how homeschooled kids ever get to leave home. Or maybe, maybe, that's the key, maybe after that many years with no alone time, you are packing their dorm room up in May for a September school start. And it has to be easier to let go of hairy, sturdy adult beings right? Than to let your little boy go off to school with that enormous pack on his back that is designed to make him look extra lanky and small? Sob!


PS I was thinking about what I wrote here, and a few hours later, I have come up with something that is comforting to me. I thought about how it was not just me, his primary caretaker, or just his Daddy, that shaped Jonathan into who he already is... it was his Nona, his Grandma Jane, his Poppa Ed, his Papa Larry, his Uncles: Cory, Jason, Chris, and his Aunts, Meredith, Janenne, Erin and Jen, his cousin Jo-Jo, his Nana Jo, the teachers at Lil K, his preschool teachers, our pediatrician... even his little sister, Anna (I think she has taught him a lot in the area of patience and resillience) I could name a lot of people who have been very important in Jonathan's life so far. So it has to follow that there will be a lot more people in the future, like his teachers at Kindergarten, the friends he makes, the principal at his school, etc, etc, that will also have a good influence on him. The key is that I have to let him go enough to let him learn from others, but hold onto him enough to protect what I believe to be his best interests... I mean, Thank GOD it's not all me that will influence Jonathan. Because he would grow up to have a lot of good qualities, but he would also be a little crazy, or maybe a little insecure. It is good that we have a lot of backup people to love and shape our kids. I am grateful that it does not all fall back on me. If he does not turn out well, I can always blame public school, right?