1.) My inability to remember which switch is the fan, which is the light. What switch does what. I have lived here for over six years now, and I still can't keep it straight. I still don't know which switch turns on my kitchen light or my dining room light. Do either of the switches on the wall between the kitchen and the dining room have anything to do with the kitchen? Or are they both designated for the dining room? If my life depended on it, I could not tell you. I am like a stranger here. I also don't really know where anything is in my own kitchen. And I do cook in it quite often.
2.) My inability to keep my house clean. I don't know how other women do it. I really can't figure out what I am doing wrong. What is the secret here? It's not just dust and dirt, it's the clutter. Maybe I can blame this on my children? I seem to have noticed that parents spend their children's childhood blaming everything on them, and children grow up to spend their adulthood blaming everything on their parents.
3.) My stupid conversational tics. Like my habit of trying to anticipate what another person is saying, to the point where I am cutting them off and trying to finish their sentences for them. I am really just trying to understand what others are saying, but I annoy myself and I must annoy others too. Also, saying "like" too much. I thought I would outgrow this. I thought it had something to do with being young. Now I am not so young anymore...How wrong will it be when I am 70 and saying "like" all the time? Or maybe all the old people will talk like this. Maybe the trend 40 years from now will be for people to speak concisely and meaningfully.
4.) My tendency to spend 3 hours worrying about everything I said and did in a group setting for every 1 hour that I actually spend in a group setting. For example, I was at a leadership meeting for church this morning, and it was 2 hours long, and it ended around 11, so it was not until about 6 PM that I stopped obsessing over my behavior. That was 7 hours spent worrying, but I had to allot myself an extra hour because I felt especially stupid and unable to shut up this morning. I feel sorry for my husband because everytime I leave a social gathering, we get in the car, smiling and waving goodbye, like normal people, and then as we drive away, I launch into my, Did I say anything stupid? What do you think so-and-so thought when I said that? Do you think they know that I actually meant THIS? And yes, I know there are drugs to help people like me. I've tried them and they make me fat.
5.) My terrible habit of procrastination. My class is over in a week. I have none of my assignments done. Not one. I have not read a single chapter since the midterm. I have not started on the final exam. I also have a test in Orlando (part of the coursework I am taking through the state) one week from today. I have not looked at any of the materials since I finished the class over a month ago. So now I have a crazy amount of stuff to do and will be stressed out this week. If I could just accept, OK, I'm a procrastinator, but I always get stuff done, and in general, tend to do well.... But no. I make lists all the time, I think about everything I have to do all the time, I worry over my lists all the time, all without actually doing any work towards accomplishing anything. If I could spend a quarter of my time and effort actually doing stuff rather than just agonizing over how it is not getting done, or feeling guilty because I am not doing it, then I would be able to do so much more with my life. What I do is just spin my wheels. I burn a lot of fuel without getting anywhere. I wish I could change. Either start pacing myself, or say, okay, I am not going to even think about that pile of stuff until July 19th. Either of these options would help me considerably, in the feeling-less-crazy department.
6.) The way I can't seem to savor anything. If I am reading a good book, I just keep reading it, as fast as I can, and then I get to the end so quickly, and I am so disappointed. Why didn't I slow down? Why didn't I put it down after each chapter and either let my thoughts settle, laugh a little more at the humor, or let my anticipation build if it is a suspenseful book? Now the book is done and I wish I had spent more time with it. Also, food. Last night, I went to dinner with a friend and we split a really decadent desert. Did I eat my half slowly, lingering over each delicious bite? No! I ate it like it was a chore, or a race. (We had separate plates so it was not like I was competing for my half or anything.) It was as if someone had asked me, stopwatch in hand, How fast can you clean that plate? Ok! GO! Or the way I check my watch 10 or 15 times during a movie... trying to calculate, factoring in the previews, and the listed movie length time, just how many minutes are left in the movie? Am I bored or displeased with the movie? No! I just feel a compulsion to know how much time I have left to enjoy it. When I used to attend yoga class, I would check my watch. Yep. Turn on the Indiglo on my Timex to sneak a peek to see how much time was left in the class. I wanted to laugh out loud when the instructor would say at the end, Feel yourself coming back into your body.... Umm, I never left! I've been here the whole time, and if you could hear what I was thinking, all the thoughts that have been racing through my head, you would probably declare me hopeless in the Yoga department.
7.) My inability to give up hope that beauty products can make me more beautiful or make my hair less frizzy, or make my eyelashes more voluminous, or whatever it is. I can't give up hope that you can buy improvement for your appearance at Target. I fall for new beauty products far too often. I see the commercial, and yes, I think some small irrational part of me thinks that I might actually look like Penelope Cruz if I can obtain this product she is endorsing. Or whoever it is... doesn't really matter, chances are, I'd rather look like her than me. Even more ridiculous is when I let advertisements convince me I have a problem that I really don't have. Like deep smile lines or crow's feet. I'm just not there yet, but I am worried, and I wonder if I should go ahead and start using this product, as a precautionary measure... Or maybe I do have this problem, but I've been waltzing through life, 29 years old, completely unaware and therefore still happy, not knowing that my pores are huge and congested. Now I go look in the mirror, and I think, Oh, goodness. How could I not have seen this before? I am even uglier than I thought!
I am too tired and feeling too insecure to figure out the other 3 things right now. I am sure you can pick out at least 3 more things I hate about me from the above list, like how I get tired at 8:45 PM, or how insecure I am about EVERYTHING. Or maybe you can just think of your own 3 things you hate about me. But please if you do, don't leave them as comments. I don't think my ego can withstand it right now. Good night.
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5 comments:
You are being MUCH TOO HARD ON YOURSELF! Where did this come from? Did you have a really bad day? I'm giving you an assignment: Write 10 things you LOVE about yourself. I'll be checking back to see if you've completed this assignment. Don't worry though, there is no due date. And if you don't do this assignment, I'll just have to do it for you.
Funny, I love all of those things about you.
1. your inability to remember things that don't matter much and only take a second to figure out when you need them. Why should anyone waste brain memory on these things? I wish I remembered more important stuff and less unimportant stuff.
2. You aren't obsesive compulsive about the house. When I was growning up, I stopped playing with some of my toys because they weren't worth hearing my Mother talk about the mess they made.
3. I do both of these too, but I think I do them more than you. Anyway, it does show the person you are talking to that you are listening.
4. I do this one as well. I think it's better to be a little overly analytical about one's social life than be oblivious to other people's opinions.
5. Your procrastination balances out my "doing it immediately so I don't forget."
6. I do this one as well. I think it goes along with the way our brain is always thinking ahead to the next thing to do, the next task, the next thing to worry about. We are trying to hurry up and get to the next thing, which does help us get a lot accomplished.
7. You are beautiful. Buying and using beauty products is fun and sometimes satisfying, sometimes not satisfying. There's excitement in seeing what a new product will do. I see nothing wrong with enjoying products. You've never spent too much money on them and they never take away from family time. Let yourself enjoy them. But remember, You Are Beautiful.
Jamie Jamie Jamie...I am going to make a list 10 things I LOVE about Jamie and the list would be about 45 items long!!!
you are great and I love you! and this list is just not true in my opinion..you are great, and everyone that knows you thinks so!
ps did you notice at dessert last night that I finished mine way before you!!! what does that say about me? lol
I LOVE YOU...every bit, just not in a sexual way.
TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT JAMIE
1. You are one of the most caring, sensitive people I know.
2. You are beautiful inside and out.
3. You are very very smart.
4. You have a wonderful sense of humor.
5. You were born to be a mother. It's in your genes and you just couldn't be any other way.
6. You are very religious and you are willing to serve God.
7. You are an excellent cook. (Especially your zucchini bread, which I love.)
8. You are a great wife for David. It is evident that your love for each other is deep.
9. You are a blessing to your mother. She's lucky to have you in her life.
10. I saved my favorite out of the 10 for last: you are a gifted writer. Every day I look forward to your postings on Facebook or your blog. I wish wish wish that there was a way to get you published in some format, so more people would get to know your writing.
There is much more that I could write here, but I think you get the idea that I love you. Don't change one bit - if you did, you wouldn't be the Jamie we all know and love.
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