Never Mind

The baby fever has passed for the moment. If it comes back, I am sure it will retreat again when the Loud Morgans (I would not want them any other way!) come to visit next week. Jessica had some very valid points about the downside of pregnancy, and she is speaking from experience! And Lara did remind me of the chaos (but, also, total fun) of having three. But to respond to her comment, what if it's another boy, I actually want another boy. I want 2 boys and a girl if I am going to have three. As if I can put in a request. But seriously, never mind about the whole thing. It came and it went. I do still want a kitten, though. I went to Wal-mart and bought some cat treats for my own 2 cats that I ignore all the time. I thought maybe I should try nurturing them a little, get it out of my system. Then I will realize that I don't actually enjoy cats all that much (I am still maintaining that I am not a cat person) and that I am actually quite allergic to them. After petting my own cats, my skin will break out into whelps, or welts or whatever.
I am up from 3 AM after only 3 hours of bad sleep. I had the worst day and cried for (literally!) over 3 hours straight. I think this might be a new record. I think I had stored some tears up for a while and they all just came out tonight. But the reason I got up is because I kept waking up with a stabbing pain in my eye. I think I sprained a tear duct or a crying muscle or something! My eye seriously hurts. Now I am up worrying that I have caused some sort of permanent damage to my eyes from the great crying storm of '08.
I made a complete fool of myself with my crying in front of a group of people. I am sure everyone in my small group thinks I am crazy after the way I behaved tonight (or last night?) and I might actually be going (or have already gone) a little bit crazy. I just started weeping hysterically and had to walk out and leave and it totally made a scene and disrupted the group. That was after I had walked in late, started a stupid conversation about predestination that led the group's conversation off course, had my stupid phone ring loudly while someone else was talking, got worried because it was my brother J calling from his cell, which freaked me out and then when I got up later to go call him back, I locked myself outside and then had to knock on the door to get back in. I think I managed not to be disruptive for about two minutes, trying to act like I was reading my Bible with copious tears pouring down my face. Of course, I did not have a napkin or anything. And they were not the kind of tears that you can blink away or "cry up (an Oprah technique)" to get rid of. Then snot started streaming out. I then had to make a tearful and loud announcement that I was having a meltdown and I had to walk out. I really don't want to go back.
Does anyone else here remember the first day of third grade, Mrs. Burklew's class? The girl that started crying because she wanted to go home and did not stop until P.E. class hours later? I am sure Mrs. Burklew still remembers it. It was probably one of her worst first days of school ever. Having to deal with the hysterical, hyperventilating blonde girl all morning long. I think the guidance counselor came in, and Mr. Shepherd got involved too. Then he had to meet me at our car every morning and coax me out because I was so upset about leaving my mom. This was THIRD grade, people. Twenty years later, same situation, although at least only about 10 people witnessed this, instead of the entire Creel third grade (we had open classrooms or learning centers or whatever). By the time Dave got home, after NINE PM, after working for like, 15 hours, I was in complete hysterics. I could not calm down and I am sure my children are both traumatized. This is the EXACT type of thing that I vowed to shield my kids from. They should not have to suffer and be worried because of my suffering and worry. Normally if I cry in front of them, I just explain that I am a little sad, and they seem to be really empathetic. I've always thought that it is good for them, like a little learning experience.
Tonight I just completely lost it in front of them and I can probably bet that Jonathan will remember this for many years to come. Moments where your parents have psychotic breaks tend to leave a lasting impression on you. They will be up in about 3 hours and I will have to try and act like everything's OK when I am still falling apart right now. And seriously, I have a very sharp pain in my eye. If I have to go to the damn eye doctor and they ask me, how did you injure your eye and I have to explain that I pulled something crying, then that will be just the cherry on top of my big ole whipped cream pile of humiliation.