Jon: I know what I want for Christmas this year!
Dave: What? Bakugan? (little toys having to do with a cartoon that he likes)
Jon: Yeah. Hey, why don't we just go to the store and buy them?
Dave: Because that costs money and we don't have a lot of money.
Jon: Oh. . . Santa Claus must have a LOT of money.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
What Matters Most
What would you say to a loved one if you knew it was the last time you could ever say anything?
I found out what matters most:
1.) Thank you
2.) I love you
I was able to speak to my stepdad on Sunday. I was pretty sure that this would be the last time I would ever be able to communicate with him and I was right. He is comatose now and if he can hear us, he certainly can't respond.
I am so grateful that I moved past the giant lump in my throat and the fear in my heart and took the opportunity I had to say what I needed to say. I said several things, but they could all be reduced down to Thank yous and I love yous. What I didn't say was goodbye. Goodbye did not turn out to be worthwhile or necessary when it came down to it.
Ed may only have hours or days left now. Only God knows the exact minute. But I am grateful that he is at home in his own bed, like he wanted. With his wife, caring for him, like he wanted. He has never had to be alone, his wife (my Mom) and his entire family has surrounded him around the clock. He seems to be comfortable, and most importantly, at peace.
I found out what matters most:
1.) Thank you
2.) I love you
I was able to speak to my stepdad on Sunday. I was pretty sure that this would be the last time I would ever be able to communicate with him and I was right. He is comatose now and if he can hear us, he certainly can't respond.
I am so grateful that I moved past the giant lump in my throat and the fear in my heart and took the opportunity I had to say what I needed to say. I said several things, but they could all be reduced down to Thank yous and I love yous. What I didn't say was goodbye. Goodbye did not turn out to be worthwhile or necessary when it came down to it.
Ed may only have hours or days left now. Only God knows the exact minute. But I am grateful that he is at home in his own bed, like he wanted. With his wife, caring for him, like he wanted. He has never had to be alone, his wife (my Mom) and his entire family has surrounded him around the clock. He seems to be comfortable, and most importantly, at peace.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sweetest Girl (and Saddest Me)
I was putting Anna to bed the other night and she gave me this big hug and kiss. I said, I missed you today! And she said, I miss you all the time when you away. Then I told her I loved her. She said she loved me very,very,very,very much! I told her I loved her VERY, VERY, VERY,VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY much. She thought for a minute and said, I love you the same as you love me, Mama.
Today she walked into my stepdad's room and he was asleep. She got up on the bed and very gently laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a long hug and a kiss. She did it a second time and he woke up and said, Oh, is that my love? It's my little sweetheart, Anna! He was so happy to see her. He could not take his eyes off her the whole time we were in the room. He told me the day before, Now, I have not seen my Anna Banana in two days! You need to bring her tomorrow! He told me today that he loved the kids so much. He said they are so close to him, they are his own. I am so broken-hearted that the kids are losing their grandpa. He is always so happy to see them. Even when he does not feel well, which has been most of this past year, he always lights up and makes a big deal when he sees them, even though he sees them pretty much every day. He has all these special grandpa routines he does with them, like with Anna she gives him a hug and kiss and he always has chocolate for her. He always has Jonathan shake hands and calls him his little buddy. He makes them feel so special. He has taught them so much. He has had so much patience and tolerance for them as babies and toddlers and now preschoolers. He has taken the time to hold them and read them books and work puzzles with them. He could have been a grumpy old man who did not have much room in his life for his wife's grandkids. But he chose to be a great grandpa, their beloved Poppa Ed, and I am so utterly grateful that he has been in their lives. I am blessed that my kids had this time with him. He didn't have to be so wonderful to them all the time. He didn't have to be so welcoming. But he has been. The hospice nurse told me today she thought we might be looking at days left with Ed instead of weeks. I am so sad. I know he has only been in my life for the past eight years, but they were some pretty major eight years... He has been a witness to my meeting Dave, getting engaged and married to Dave, he was at my college graduation, he was around when we bought our first house (and has helped with various issues that came along with home ownership!), he was there when I lost my great aunt and uncle, (first Jim, and then Vernie, the only loved ones I have lost so far that I was close to), he was at the hospital, right outside the door, when both of my children were born. I can still remember him holding both of them at the hospital as tiny newborns and looking so overjoyed. I have probably spent more time with him and heard him say more words than my own father. Ed always kisses me and hugs me and tells me he loves me, and he has given me affection and attention that I have craved from my own father. I wish that were different, but the good news is that maybe there is still time for my own father and I. The bad news is that we have so little time left with my stepdad. The good news is that I did get the time with him at all. I wish my kids had been able to have him in their lives longer, and I hope that they will remember him. I am pretty sure that Jonathan will, but I wonder about Anna. I intend to help them remember someone who was a great grandpa and stepdad to me and my family. He didn't have to be. But he did.
I think we can choose to move in and out of each other's lives with little intention or care, just kind of float through on our own little sphere. Or we can choose to treat each other with love and regard. We can choose to care, to notice other people, to spread out into each other's lives and actually mean something.
Today she walked into my stepdad's room and he was asleep. She got up on the bed and very gently laid her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a long hug and a kiss. She did it a second time and he woke up and said, Oh, is that my love? It's my little sweetheart, Anna! He was so happy to see her. He could not take his eyes off her the whole time we were in the room. He told me the day before, Now, I have not seen my Anna Banana in two days! You need to bring her tomorrow! He told me today that he loved the kids so much. He said they are so close to him, they are his own. I am so broken-hearted that the kids are losing their grandpa. He is always so happy to see them. Even when he does not feel well, which has been most of this past year, he always lights up and makes a big deal when he sees them, even though he sees them pretty much every day. He has all these special grandpa routines he does with them, like with Anna she gives him a hug and kiss and he always has chocolate for her. He always has Jonathan shake hands and calls him his little buddy. He makes them feel so special. He has taught them so much. He has had so much patience and tolerance for them as babies and toddlers and now preschoolers. He has taken the time to hold them and read them books and work puzzles with them. He could have been a grumpy old man who did not have much room in his life for his wife's grandkids. But he chose to be a great grandpa, their beloved Poppa Ed, and I am so utterly grateful that he has been in their lives. I am blessed that my kids had this time with him. He didn't have to be so wonderful to them all the time. He didn't have to be so welcoming. But he has been. The hospice nurse told me today she thought we might be looking at days left with Ed instead of weeks. I am so sad. I know he has only been in my life for the past eight years, but they were some pretty major eight years... He has been a witness to my meeting Dave, getting engaged and married to Dave, he was at my college graduation, he was around when we bought our first house (and has helped with various issues that came along with home ownership!), he was there when I lost my great aunt and uncle, (first Jim, and then Vernie, the only loved ones I have lost so far that I was close to), he was at the hospital, right outside the door, when both of my children were born. I can still remember him holding both of them at the hospital as tiny newborns and looking so overjoyed. I have probably spent more time with him and heard him say more words than my own father. Ed always kisses me and hugs me and tells me he loves me, and he has given me affection and attention that I have craved from my own father. I wish that were different, but the good news is that maybe there is still time for my own father and I. The bad news is that we have so little time left with my stepdad. The good news is that I did get the time with him at all. I wish my kids had been able to have him in their lives longer, and I hope that they will remember him. I am pretty sure that Jonathan will, but I wonder about Anna. I intend to help them remember someone who was a great grandpa and stepdad to me and my family. He didn't have to be. But he did.
I think we can choose to move in and out of each other's lives with little intention or care, just kind of float through on our own little sphere. Or we can choose to treat each other with love and regard. We can choose to care, to notice other people, to spread out into each other's lives and actually mean something.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Jamie is
Jamie is out of patience.
Jamie is tired.
Jamie is ready to go to bed.
Jamie is wishing she had not bitten her nails so much yesterday because she really needs to bite them today, and had she known how stressful today was going to be she would have been more conservative.
Jamie is worried.
Jamie needs a break, not a vacation, but just a break from this nonstop stress and problems coming in from every direction.
Jamie is still running a fever.
Jamie is relieved that she got a pedicure in a clean place today with no roaches running across the floor, but she could have done without the nasty scrub of a dog some lady brought into her pedicure (if you are going to try and be Paris Hilton, get a toy dog that is clean and well-accessorized. Otherwise, just leave the poor dog home to be alone in its ugliness.).
Jamie is feeling guilty that her kids are annoying her so much she feels like screaming, but she knows she won't scream because she is basically a good mother, even though she feels guilty all the time.
Jamie is writing all of this because she wanted to change her Facebook status but could not decide which negative thought to express.
Jamie is tired.
Jamie is ready to go to bed.
Jamie is wishing she had not bitten her nails so much yesterday because she really needs to bite them today, and had she known how stressful today was going to be she would have been more conservative.
Jamie is worried.
Jamie needs a break, not a vacation, but just a break from this nonstop stress and problems coming in from every direction.
Jamie is still running a fever.
Jamie is relieved that she got a pedicure in a clean place today with no roaches running across the floor, but she could have done without the nasty scrub of a dog some lady brought into her pedicure (if you are going to try and be Paris Hilton, get a toy dog that is clean and well-accessorized. Otherwise, just leave the poor dog home to be alone in its ugliness.).
Jamie is feeling guilty that her kids are annoying her so much she feels like screaming, but she knows she won't scream because she is basically a good mother, even though she feels guilty all the time.
Jamie is writing all of this because she wanted to change her Facebook status but could not decide which negative thought to express.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesday
Jonathan is really into counting right now. He will say, is 30 a big number? (We are supposed to say yes.) And then he will count right up to 30. He gets it just right, except for instead of seventeen he always says eleventeen. Dave corrected him in front of me the other night, and I got a little hostile because I think it is the most adorable thing ever to hear him say "Eleventeen..." He will figure it out soon enough. Can't we hold onto the cuteness a little longer?
He came home from preschool today singing that song, "Skid-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, Skid-a-ma-rinky-do" (don't know the official title, I think it was from that show with the elephant? anyone know what I am remembering?) The one that goes, I love you in the morning, and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening and underneath the moon... He told me he was singing it because it was Valentine's Day Week at school. I started singing along with him and he stopped, and looked a little disturbed. He gets a little wierded out when I know stuff that he just learned at school. I think he thinks it is all new knowledge and no one else should have access to it. He asked me today, How do you know all this stuff? Pretty soon he won't be impressed with how much I know. He will want to impress me with how much he knows (elementary Jonathan), and then we will move into him wanting to impress me with how little I know (teenage Jonathan).
Anna is starting speech tomorrow. She will spend 20 minutes twice a week with the speech teacher who comes to her preschool. They use one set of forms for preschool through twelfth grade, so a lot of the paperwork I had to fill out was really irrelevant to a 3 year old, like has this student ever been placed in a juvenille correction facility? Some of the questions made me really sad for other kids and families out there. Like questions about whether the child is homeless or not.
I think it will be a blessing and a curse when the other adults in her life can actually understand her. Right now I think it is saving me a lot of embarassment that most people can't understand most of what she says.
She is so funny, though. In a way her teachers are missing out on just how brilliant my child really is ;). Yesterday she came up to me, holding a highlighter up, and said, Mama, Is this a permanent marker? She wanted to know if she was allowed to use it or not. I spent about 30 minutes last week scrubbing the armchair in our living room, and a large amount of that was flourescent yellow highlighter stains. I did get it out, eventually. So my answer to Anna: No, it is not permanent, but you may not use it!
He came home from preschool today singing that song, "Skid-a-ma-rinky-dinky-dink, Skid-a-ma-rinky-do" (don't know the official title, I think it was from that show with the elephant? anyone know what I am remembering?) The one that goes, I love you in the morning, and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening and underneath the moon... He told me he was singing it because it was Valentine's Day Week at school. I started singing along with him and he stopped, and looked a little disturbed. He gets a little wierded out when I know stuff that he just learned at school. I think he thinks it is all new knowledge and no one else should have access to it. He asked me today, How do you know all this stuff? Pretty soon he won't be impressed with how much I know. He will want to impress me with how much he knows (elementary Jonathan), and then we will move into him wanting to impress me with how little I know (teenage Jonathan).
Anna is starting speech tomorrow. She will spend 20 minutes twice a week with the speech teacher who comes to her preschool. They use one set of forms for preschool through twelfth grade, so a lot of the paperwork I had to fill out was really irrelevant to a 3 year old, like has this student ever been placed in a juvenille correction facility? Some of the questions made me really sad for other kids and families out there. Like questions about whether the child is homeless or not.
I think it will be a blessing and a curse when the other adults in her life can actually understand her. Right now I think it is saving me a lot of embarassment that most people can't understand most of what she says.
She is so funny, though. In a way her teachers are missing out on just how brilliant my child really is ;). Yesterday she came up to me, holding a highlighter up, and said, Mama, Is this a permanent marker? She wanted to know if she was allowed to use it or not. I spent about 30 minutes last week scrubbing the armchair in our living room, and a large amount of that was flourescent yellow highlighter stains. I did get it out, eventually. So my answer to Anna: No, it is not permanent, but you may not use it!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Exciting!
I am excited about a couple of things:
1.) We paid off our credit card debt! Of course we still have two car payments and a mortgage, but I am happy that we made a step in the right direction!
2.) I got a new phone! I broke mine, and Dave thought he ordered me the exact same one. This is basically the same, except it looks much snazzier! And I am just so happy to have my phone back!
3.) My mother-in-law is coming for a visit on Wednesday! We are glad to have her. She needs a break and she needs to see the kids. And my Dad is coming in March! I am always glad when my kids get to be around their grands and their aunts/uncles.
4.) I have a job interview with a preschool on Friday! I am nervous to go to the interview, but not really too worried about whether or not I get the job. Of course, I would like a job, but it won't be a crisis if I don't get one. Which is sort of a nice feeling.
5.) My awesome friend Jana treated me to a facial yesterday and my skin feels fantastic!
6.) I am looking forward to MOPS tomorrow AM! Valerie, the pastor's wife from church is coming to speak, and I am really excited to hear what she has to share! And I am looking forward to the Mom's Movie Night this Saturday!
7.) I have been feeling much better lately! No terrible headaches! Like I have a slight one right now, but none of my really, really intense ones! Which is a HUGE deal for me!
1.) We paid off our credit card debt! Of course we still have two car payments and a mortgage, but I am happy that we made a step in the right direction!
2.) I got a new phone! I broke mine, and Dave thought he ordered me the exact same one. This is basically the same, except it looks much snazzier! And I am just so happy to have my phone back!
3.) My mother-in-law is coming for a visit on Wednesday! We are glad to have her. She needs a break and she needs to see the kids. And my Dad is coming in March! I am always glad when my kids get to be around their grands and their aunts/uncles.
4.) I have a job interview with a preschool on Friday! I am nervous to go to the interview, but not really too worried about whether or not I get the job. Of course, I would like a job, but it won't be a crisis if I don't get one. Which is sort of a nice feeling.
5.) My awesome friend Jana treated me to a facial yesterday and my skin feels fantastic!
6.) I am looking forward to MOPS tomorrow AM! Valerie, the pastor's wife from church is coming to speak, and I am really excited to hear what she has to share! And I am looking forward to the Mom's Movie Night this Saturday!
7.) I have been feeling much better lately! No terrible headaches! Like I have a slight one right now, but none of my really, really intense ones! Which is a HUGE deal for me!
Some Pictures from This Week
One of Jonathan's creative contraptions involving a yo-yo, a binder clip, and a paper airplane.
Anna got into my hair product!
Can we say mood swing?
Jonathan, Trystan and Anna waiting for cake at Justine's birthday party.
Anna at the park. The kids were flying their kites.
Jonathan flying the kite.
Jonathan "caught himself" with his butterfly net.
Jonathan's Self-Portrait that he did at school.
My niece is 11!
My niece is 11... which means it has been almost 11 years since I graduated high school. It was Groundhog Day, 1998 when she was born. I was in my last days of dating my high school boyfriend Kurt. I think we broke up only days after she was born. I weighed about 60 lbs less than I do now. I was 20 times more insecure, more bitter, more fearful, more anxious. Justine was such an awesome gift to us all. She instantly made my world brighter, and she made the days seem so much more fun and worthwhile. She was 3 and a half when I met Dave. He thought he never wanted kids, and after about an hour with my charming and gorgeous little niece, he had a change of heart. Justine walked down the aisle at my wedding, sprinkling petals and doing a spectacular job, almost breaking my heart with her little lavender dress and her french-braided hair. I remember when she came to the hospital when Jonathan was born, in 2003. She had just started kindergarten. I remember her holding him so carefully and being so sweet and excited. When my great-great aunt Vernie was dying and staying with my Mom, Justine was only about 6... and she was so compassionate and unafraid of Vernie (and most people were at least a little scared of Vernie even at her best). Vernie would say, Here, girlie! Take my teeth! And she would plop her dentures into Justine's little hand. And Justine was totally cool with it.
Justine is just such a cool person. Even if I weren't her aunt, I would think so. She is funny, brave, and she is not afraid to be unique or to have opinions. She just has something special, some spunky quality. She has a great voice, and I am always puzzled when she has a hard time writing her essays for school, because she has such fantastic, intelligent ideas. Not to mention that she is really, really GORGEOUS! I can't believe how much Anna looks and acts like Justine. Both of my kids idolize her, they love her so much and they look up to her so much.
So much has happened in my life since she was born in 1998... I started and finished college, I've been married for over seven years, I have had two kids.... I think I will always measure my life by her birthdays since she was born the year I graduated high school. When she turns 20, I will be 37. That is something that is really hard for me to wrap my mind around... both her being 20, and me being 37! I have just loved being her aunt, and I am really, really glad that I was around, at home, able to spend time with her when she was a baby and toddler. She was so fun and she prepared me in so many ways to be a mother. I really hope that she can always turn to me as a friend as she goes through her teens, twenties and beyond.
Justine is just such a cool person. Even if I weren't her aunt, I would think so. She is funny, brave, and she is not afraid to be unique or to have opinions. She just has something special, some spunky quality. She has a great voice, and I am always puzzled when she has a hard time writing her essays for school, because she has such fantastic, intelligent ideas. Not to mention that she is really, really GORGEOUS! I can't believe how much Anna looks and acts like Justine. Both of my kids idolize her, they love her so much and they look up to her so much.
So much has happened in my life since she was born in 1998... I started and finished college, I've been married for over seven years, I have had two kids.... I think I will always measure my life by her birthdays since she was born the year I graduated high school. When she turns 20, I will be 37. That is something that is really hard for me to wrap my mind around... both her being 20, and me being 37! I have just loved being her aunt, and I am really, really glad that I was around, at home, able to spend time with her when she was a baby and toddler. She was so fun and she prepared me in so many ways to be a mother. I really hope that she can always turn to me as a friend as she goes through her teens, twenties and beyond.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Best Part of My Week
They often say at New Hope something like they really hope that "this is the best part of your week." Well, from last Sunday afternoon, until this Sunday evening, my entire week, except this morning at church, has just been crap. I really don't know how how else to put it. I am struggling in ways that I have never struggled before. And I can honestly, completely say that the time I spent at New Hope today was absolutely the brightest spot in my entire week. It was the only time all week that I did not feel hugely inadequate, completely anxious and totally discouraged. It was the only time all week where I could worship and pray and learn and not have to put on a happy face or pretend I have it all (or any of it) together.
I am not having a very easy time right now. But I am grateful to have a safe place to go every week where I can be encouraged by the love of other people who are real and funny and brave and just doing their best for Jesus, where I can find purpose in serving God by helping others feel at home so they can learn and grow in Christ, and where I can just lay my worries down at His feet and know that there are others who are right there with me.
Going to church this morning, attending service, and serving in ministry really, truly was the best part of my week.
Here's to a new week... I am going to officially start it on Monday: a day where my glasses did not get broken before I even got out of bed, and my beloved cell phone did not drop and shatter into pieces, and I did not feel physically and emotionally horrible. And other stuff also, which to list would take away the focus of this post... Tomorrow's another day.
But it was good to be reminded of how blessed I am to be a part of New Hope.
http://www.findhopehere.com
I am not having a very easy time right now. But I am grateful to have a safe place to go every week where I can be encouraged by the love of other people who are real and funny and brave and just doing their best for Jesus, where I can find purpose in serving God by helping others feel at home so they can learn and grow in Christ, and where I can just lay my worries down at His feet and know that there are others who are right there with me.
Going to church this morning, attending service, and serving in ministry really, truly was the best part of my week.
Here's to a new week... I am going to officially start it on Monday: a day where my glasses did not get broken before I even got out of bed, and my beloved cell phone did not drop and shatter into pieces, and I did not feel physically and emotionally horrible. And other stuff also, which to list would take away the focus of this post... Tomorrow's another day.
But it was good to be reminded of how blessed I am to be a part of New Hope.
http://www.findhopehere.com
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